Revision number six

Share your blood sweat tears query for feedback and lend your hard-won expertise to others
User avatar
Quill
Posts: 1059
Joined: March 17th, 2010, 9:20 pm
Location: Arizona
Contact:

Re: New Draft - Need your feedback.. Thanks

Post by Quill » March 31st, 2010, 10:38 am

To my knowledge querying is not like a supermarket sweepstakes where you get to pack in everything that will fit in the cart, or in this case a page. Please consider cutting half or more of your word volume. Consider omitting many of the peripheral details. Focus on the central conflict. Remember, your only objective is to get the reader to request more, and you've got only ten or fifteen seconds to do that. For starters, I wouldn't start with an adverb.

JTB
Posts: 64
Joined: March 23rd, 2010, 6:52 am

Re: New Draft - Need your feedback.. Thanks

Post by JTB » March 31st, 2010, 10:42 am

as Quill says and I restate my point. take each paragraph so far and get to its core e.g. para 2

Though he has lived his life completely unaware, Jonathan happens to be the first descendent of the Sons of God to walk the earth in ten thousand years. By way of title that makes him a Dritian, and along with the title comes the power needed to push the darkness back effectively restoring balance. The problem for those in the spirit realm, the World of Light and Shadow, is getting him there.

Jonathan is the first descendents of the Sons of Gods in ten thousand years and only he has the power to push back the Darkness. The problem for the Spirit Realm is getting him to them.

(or something)

User avatar
JaEvans
Posts: 40
Joined: March 17th, 2010, 8:01 pm
Contact:

New Draft

Post by JaEvans » April 1st, 2010, 1:47 pm

Hidden away in another dimension of existence lies a spiritual realm entrusted with balancing the forces of light and darkness throughout the universe. This realm is on the verge of being tipped into perpetual darkness and Jonathan Cornwallis, a free spirited nineteen year old born to a prominent eighteenth century British family, stands as their unlikely saviour.

Before Jonathan can solve any problems in distant spiritual realms the world will have to conspire in order to get him there. This is because Jonathan has no idea of who he is or the path that lies ahead.
To those in the spirit realm Jonathan is the first descendent of the Sons of God to walk the earth in ten thousand years. By way of title that makes him a Dritian, and along with the title comes the power needed to push back the darkness.

By day Jonathan is pursued by a group of men known only as the Viata. From behind the scenes they have successfully guided world events from behind the scenes for centuries, but that is not enough for them, they too want a piece of the power held in the spirit realm. At night Jonathan is terrorized from out of the depths of the spirit realm. The darkness has sent its warrior, the beast, into Jonathan’s dreams in the hope of either scaring him into service or killing him in his sleep if he refuses.

Then there is Anne DeVries. Aside from being Jonathan’s love interest, Anne is also the illegitimate daughter of the King of England. After spending six long years at his table she is finally repatriated back to France and into her mother’s warm embrace. Unfortunately for Anne, France offers a cool reception. Upon her arrival she is promptly taken hostage by a mid level criminal, Mr. Boutlier, in the hopes that he can secure her mother’s vast wealth. His plan is to rekindle a war with England while establishing for himself a place at the table with the very power brokers who are after Jonathan’s legacy.

As Jonathan seeks his answers in the new world, Anne seeks Jonathan in search of answers of her own. What they both find on the journey is that nothing escapes the pull of the spiritual realm known as the World of Light and Shadow.

GATEWAY TO THE WORLD OF LIGHT AND SHADOW is an adventure/fantasy novel written in a historical setting and completed at 190,000 words. I would be happy to send a partial or full manuscript to you for consideration.


**I would add that the word count for this query is 462 words. I think with the novel being 190,000 worlds and running two separate storylines the query will be a tiny bit longer than other's but it still fits on a single page. I have tried to make some of the content changes you guys have suggested and I agree that it was not a good idea to start with an adjective.**

Thank you so much for the help. Any other ideas to sharpen it up?
"Life is a tragedy for those who feel, a comedy for those who think" Horace Walpole

Emily J
Posts: 250
Joined: March 31st, 2010, 2:20 pm
Contact:

Re: New Query Letter. Please comment. Thanks.

Post by Emily J » April 1st, 2010, 2:08 pm

JaEvans wrote:Dear Great Agent,

Deeply Cut first word hidden away in another dimension of existence cut - of existence, seems redundant lies a spiritual realm entrusted with balancing the forces of light and darkness within the universe. This realm is on the verge of being tipped into perpetual darkness and Jonathan Cornwallis, a free spirited nineteen year old born to a prominent eighteenth century British family, stands as their unlikely saviour.

Though he has lived his life completely unaware, Jonathan happens to be the first descendent of the Sons of God to walk the earth in ten thousand years. I think you need to explain what the Sons of God are, I assume we aren't talking a Judeo-Christian god but not sureBy way of title that makes him a Dritian, not a huge fan of this name and along with the title comes the power needed to push the darkness back need comma here effectively restoring balance. The problem for those in the spirit realm, the World of Light and Shadow, is getting him there.

Though Jonathan is not aware of whom This should actually be who not whomhe is or the power he possesses need comma here there are many on the earth and beyond who are. awkard end of sentence “If you do not join us I will kill you where you stand,” snarled the beast that haunts Jonathan’s dreams. This quote doesn't really do it for me, he's standing... in a dream? Why not I will devour you, crunch your bones, bite your face off? It is a beast right? From the depths of the spirit realm the darkness has sent its warrior, the beast, into Jonathan’s dreams in the hope of either scaring him over to the darkness or killing him if he refuses. This sentence should probably go before the preceding sentence for clarity's sake Even the dreams of men are not safe from the reach of the World of Light and Shadow. But he isn't a man... right? He's like part god?

While awake, Jonathan is pursued by a group of powerful men known only as the Viata. And the Viata are what now?They have successfully guided world events from behind the scenes for centuries but that is not enough for them, you need a semi-colon herethey too want a piece of the power held in the spirit realm.

Jonathan’s path to realizing who he is, and restoring balance to the universe, would have been difficult enough without his father’s disappearance and the sudden departure of the woman he thinks he loves, Anne DeVries. Ack, starting to get name soup Aside from being Jonathan’s love interest, don't use this phrase, it's telling, it's outside the world of the story Anne is also the illegitimate daughter of the King of England. Wait what?? The KING of England? Is this the future/past/parallel world? *Is confused* After spending six long years at his table she is finally repatriated back back is redundantto France and into her mother’s warm embrace. Unfortunately for Anne, France offers a cool reception. Upon her arrival she is promptly taken hostage by a mid level criminal, Mr. Boutlier, in the hopes that he can secure her mother’s vast wealth. TOO MUCH PLOT *Is overwhelmedHis plan is to rekindle a war with England while establishing for himself a place at the table with the very power brokers who are after Jonathan’s legacy. Wait, England and France are after his power?

As Jonathan seeks his answers in the new world, America?? Too many settings! Anne seeks Jonathan in search of answers of her own. What they both find on the journey is that nothing escapes the pull of the World of Light and Shadow.

GATEWAY TO THE WORLD OF LIGHT AND SHADOW is an adventure/fantasy novel completed at 190,000 words. This is too long to be marketable to most literary agents fyi
This query is far too long. Way too much plot, too many different settings and I can't for the life of me see how everything ties together. I also don't have a good sense of the time period. Is this the past? A parallel world? I can't tell.

kenpochick
Posts: 84
Joined: March 12th, 2010, 4:41 pm
Contact:

Re: New Draft - Need your feedback.. Thanks

Post by kenpochick » April 2nd, 2010, 11:14 am

I see a lot of comments on how long your query is and I think part of the problem is how long your book is. Could this be two books? 100k and 90k are pretty respectable sizes. Is there a good divide in there somewhere?

User avatar
JaEvans
Posts: 40
Joined: March 17th, 2010, 8:01 pm
Contact:

Re: New Draft - Need your feedback.. Thanks

Post by JaEvans » April 2nd, 2010, 11:50 am

I will break down the book for you.

The first two chapters set the stage. They are about the MC's father until he is killed at the end of chapter two. Chapter three is the MC Jonathan and MC Anne. After that the chapters alternate for Anne's story and Jonathan's, both happening at the same time but in different places. Jonathan and Anne's stories merge again in the last chapter. If I made two books out of it I would have two separate books dealing with the same period of time. I am not all that sure that this is marketable. For example, if you read about what one guy did from May to June 2010 do you want to read about what his girlfriend did during the same time period in a follow up book. I think people would rather read them in tandum.

That said, I have put some thought to pulling the story about Anne out completely and making it into a separate book not part of the Light and Shadow series. That would leave me writing a few chapters extra in order to make both books work on their own but then they should both end up around 100,000 words.

My intention is to try with it the way it is and then break it up in three or four months if no one bites.

I understand that larger books can be more difficult to market until you have a name for yourself. But at the same time, take Harry Potter Order of the Phoenix, which is 257,000 words, and cut it down by breaking it in half. It can not be done. The book needs to be that long. My book is also best at its 190,000 word count. If you take out Anne then you lose something valuable to the overall story. Also, the structure of the book only has Jonathan going into the spirit realm in the last chapter. The bulk of the book is his journey. The book can not be split in half without the reader thinking something is missing, namely the spirit world.

I will have to see how it goes and then only break the book in half as a last resort.

for now I need to get my query as sharp as possible and then go from there.

Thanks for the advice.
"Life is a tragedy for those who feel, a comedy for those who think" Horace Walpole

Erica75
Posts: 73
Joined: February 28th, 2010, 2:45 pm
Contact:

Re: New Draft - Need your feedback.. Thanks

Post by Erica75 » April 2nd, 2010, 4:18 pm

I haven't read the comments since I was on here last, but thought I'd pop in and take a look at the revision. I see that you're still struggling with the story line here. I also have 2 main characters and the second doesn't appear until the end of the third chapter. I wouldn't want to send a query, have a partial requested, and then have the agent wonder "How is this a love story? There's not even a boy in it!" so I put them both in my query. This was not met with positive comments on this site. However, I am an active participant in other writing sites and blogs and have been told to keep it in (by two published YA authors and several other writers at the same stage I am. In the end, the work is yours and you need to stand by your own query if you expect to be able to stand by and defend your entire ms. I can't remember if you mentioned participating in any other author sites. I suggest you do. This isn't meant to say the feedback here isn't helpful, because of course it is. It's meant to say that at a certain point, feedback from new people can propel you into a whole new way of thinking, plus it introduces you to a new batch of queries.

That said, I caution you against using any comparisons of your work to the Harry Potter series. HP and the Sorcerer's Stone is also long, but much shorter than her later works, because she was a proven author with stunning credentials by that point. Being able to say your work is the next Harry Potter/Twilight/Percy Jackson/etc. phenomenon feels good, but it isn't looked on kindly by the publishing agency. You know what they say about "Show, don't tell" when it comes to writing? That applies here, too. Good luck.
we blog - erica and christy - http://lynneawest.blogspot.com/

User avatar
JaEvans
Posts: 40
Joined: March 17th, 2010, 8:01 pm
Contact:

Re: New Draft - Need your feedback.. Thanks

Post by JaEvans » April 2nd, 2010, 4:38 pm

thanks for the comments Erica75

I am actually not comparing my work with Harry Potter. What I am saying about the long Harry Potter books is that they do not have natural breaks in order to turn them into two book rather than one. Someone had suggested that I split mine in half and I wanted to make the point it is not always that easy.
..
Do you have any suggestions of other author sites to look at?
"Life is a tragedy for those who feel, a comedy for those who think" Horace Walpole

Erica75
Posts: 73
Joined: February 28th, 2010, 2:45 pm
Contact:

Re: New Draft - Need your feedback.. Thanks

Post by Erica75 » April 2nd, 2010, 5:25 pm

I'd go to agentquery.com and search for agents who represent your genre. Then click on them to see if they blog, which is a good starting point. Many have contests and even if you don't enter, you get a feel for what goes and what doesn't by reading submissions and comments. I pretty regularly watch Mary Kole's blog at kidlit.com and she just finished up a month-long contest anyone could learn from, even though it's on book beginnings rather than queries. Janet Reid has a blog and runs queryshark.com. If you haven't been there yet, she has good tips regardless of genre. Just be careful - it's easy to get swept up and pretty soon you're reading blogs all day and forget to write and edit :)

I understand your response to my HP comment. Cutting and chopping your own baby can't be easy, but continue to think about it.
we blog - erica and christy - http://lynneawest.blogspot.com/

Emily J
Posts: 250
Joined: March 31st, 2010, 2:20 pm
Contact:

Re: New Draft

Post by Emily J » April 3rd, 2010, 12:50 am

Okay, I have gone ahead and taken a look at your revised query:
JaEvans wrote:Hidden away in another dimension of existence I still find "of existence" unneccessary lies a spiritual realm entrusted with balancing the forces of light and darkness throughout the universe. This realm is on the verge of being tipped into perpetual darkness and Jonathan Cornwallis, a free spirited free spirited seems a common description for queries nineteen year old born to a prominent eighteenth century British family, stands as their Didn't notice first time round "their" is an indefinite pronoun, who is it referring to? unlikely saviour. Btw, this is the British spelling - if you are British, or if you are using British spellings due to your character's nationality that isfine just be sure to be consistent

This first paragraph is unneccessarily bulky, you could trim it "Hidden in another dimension of existence lies the spirit realm, a place entrusted with balancing light and darkness throughout the universe. This realm is threatened with perpetual darkness and Jonathan Cornwallis, a nineteen year old born to a prominent eighteenth century stands as it's unlikley savior." This is just a suggestion but I think you could tighten the language up a bit

Before Jonathan can solve any problems in distant spiritual realms are there multiple realms? Or just one? the world will have to conspire in order to get him there. Not sure if this sentence makes sense to me This is because Jonathan has no idea of who he is or the path that lies ahead.
I would scrap the two preceding sentences and start the second paragraph here -->To those in the spirit realm comma Jonathan is the first descendent !! this is the wrong word, what you mean is "descendant" of the Sons of God to walk the earth in ten thousand years. By way of title that makes him a Dritian, and along with the title comes the power needed to push back the darkness. Rephrase to "Jonathan is the first descendant of the Sons of Gods in ten thousand years. He is a Dritian, a being capable of pushing back the darkness." *Suggested rewrite*

By day Jonathan is pursued by a group of men known only as the Viata. But who/what are they?? From behind the scenes they have successfully guided world events from behind the scenes you're repeating yourself herefor centuries, but that is not enough for them, they too want a piece of the power held in the spirit realm. At night this construction mirrors that of the first sentence but due to the length of the first sentence the effect is muddled Jonathan is terrorized from out of the depths of the spirit realm. The darkness has sent its warrior, the beast, into Jonathan’s dreams in the hope of either scaring him into service or killing him in his sleep if he refuses. Not sure if you need to name the Viata. Why not say something like "By day Jonathan is pursued by men desirous of his power, by night, the beast of the darkness prowls his dreams."

Then there is Anne DeVries. It does seem a bit late to add in another MC Aside from being Jonathan’s love interest, cut the phrase "love interest" all telling, breaking 4th wall Anne is also the illegitimate daughter of the King of England. After spending six long years at his table she is finally repatriated back to France repatriated implies "back" so this is redundant and into her mother’s warm embrace. Unfortunately for Anne, France offers a cool reception. Upon her arrival she is promptly taken hostage by a mid hyphen here level criminal, Mr. Boutlier, in the hopes that he can secure her mother’s vast wealth. His plan is to rekindle a war with England while establishing for himself a place at the table with the very power brokers who are after Jonathan’s legacy.

As Jonathan seeks his answers in the new world, Anne seeks Jonathan in search of answers of her own. What they both find on the journey is that nothing escapes the pull of the spiritual realm known as the World of Light and Shadow.

GATEWAY TO THE WORLD OF LIGHT AND SHADOW is an adventure/fantasy novel written in a historical setting and completed at 190,000 words. I would be happy to send a partial or full manuscript to you for consideration.


**I would add that the word count for this query is 462 words. I think with the novel being 190,000 worlds and running two separate storylines the query will be a tiny bit longer than other's but it still fits on a single page. I have tried to make some of the content changes you guys have suggested and I agree that it was not a good idea to start with an adjective.**

Thank you so much for the help. Any other ideas to sharpen it up?
Okay, aside from the nit picking above the major issues are:

(1) Shorten the query - 462 words is a bit long and you could drop quite a few words just by rephrasing and avoiding repetition

(2) Shorten the novel - You may want to consider dicing into two manuscripts, it is hard to get published nowadays and coming in with a huge a@@ word count will not help your cause. I understand the issues with the intertwining storyline but Orson Scott Card did something similar with Ender's Game and Ender's Shadow so it can be done.

(3) Editing - I think you can write, and I think most of the problems above are more editing problems, repeating phrases in the same sentence makes me think you may have been in too big a rush to post this. Look things over carefully, multiple times. Read things out loud. Print things out and take a red pen to them. These are all habits I use to improve my editing eye. And of course have as many grammar-nazis as possible proof read it as well!

User avatar
JaEvans
Posts: 40
Joined: March 17th, 2010, 8:01 pm
Contact:

Revision number six

Post by JaEvans » April 3rd, 2010, 9:10 pm

Thanks for the great comments Emily J. I have taken it to heart and shredded 100 words from the query. Please let me know how this new one sounds. Thanks.

Dear Great Agent:

Hidden away in another dimension lies a spiritual realm entrusted with balancing the forces of light and darkness throughout the universe. This realm is on the verge of being tipped into perpetual darkness and Jonathan Cornwallis, a trouble making nineteen year old born to a prominent eighteenth century British family, stands as their unlikely saviour.

Jonathan is the first descendant of the Sons of God to walk the earth in ten thousand years. By way of title that makes him a Dritian, and along with the title comes the power needed to push back the darkness. The problem is that Jonathan does not know who he is or the path that lies ahead.

Anne DeVries, Jonathan’s would be lover and the illegitimate daughter of the King of England, is also unaware of what awaits her when she is suddenly repatriated to France. Upon her arrival she is promptly taken hostage by a mid-level criminal, Mr. Boutlier, in the hopes that he can secure her mother’s vast wealth. His plan - to rekindle a war with England while establishing for himself a place at the table with an elite group of men known as the Viata.

The Viata have successfully guided world events from behind the scenes for centuries. They are also extremely desirous of Jonathan’s legacy and the power it contains. But they are not the only ones. Out of the depths of the spirit realm the darkness has sent its warrior, the beast, into Jonathan’s dreams in the hope of either scaring him into service or killing him in his sleep if he refuses. Even the dreams of men are not safe from the power of the darkness.

As Jonathan seeks his answers in the new world, Anne seeks Jonathan in search of answers of her own. What they both find on the journey is that nothing escapes the pull of the spiritual realm known as the World of Light and Shadow.

GATEWAY TO THE WORLD OF LIGHT AND SHADOW is an adventure/fantasy novel written in a historical setting and completed at 190,000 words. I would be pleased to send a partial or full manuscript to you for consideration.
"Life is a tragedy for those who feel, a comedy for those who think" Horace Walpole

Emily J
Posts: 250
Joined: March 31st, 2010, 2:20 pm
Contact:

Re: Revision number six

Post by Emily J » April 4th, 2010, 12:17 pm

JaEvans wrote:Thanks for the great comments Emily J. I have taken it to heart and shredded 100 words from the query. Please let me know how this new one sounds. Thanks.

Dear Great Agent:

Hidden away in another dimension lies a spiritual realm entrusted with balancing the forces of light and darkness throughout the universe. This realm is on the verge of being tipped into perpetual darkness and Jonathan Cornwallis, a trouble making nineteen year old born to a prominent eighteenth century British family, stands as their unlikely saviour. I like this a lot better! The second sentence seems a bit lengthy though. Otherwise I like

Jonathan is the first descendant of the Sons of God to walk the earth in ten thousand years. By way of title that makes him a Dritian, and along with the title comes the power needed to push back the darkness. The problem is that Jonathan does not know who he is or the path that lies ahead.

Anne DeVries, Jonathan’s would be lover and the illegitimate daughter of the King of England, is also unaware of what awaits her when she is suddenly repatriated to France. Upon her arrival she is promptly taken hostage by a mid-level criminal, Mr. Boutlier, in the hopes that he can secure her mother’s vast wealth. His plan - to rekindle a war with England while establishing for himself a place at the table with an elite group of men known as the Viata.

The Viata have successfully guided world events from behind the scenes for centuries. Two prepositions in a row, maybe push one to the front of the sentence? "For centuries the Viata..." but that is just a stylistic thing They are also extremely desirous of Jonathan’s legacy and the power it contains. But they are not the only ones. Out of the depths of the spirit realm the darkness has sent its warrior, the beast, into Jonathan’s dreams in the hope of either scaring him into service or killing him in his sleep if he refuses. Even the dreams of men are not safe from the power of the darkness.

As Jonathan seeks his answers in the new world, Anne seeks Jonathan in search of answers of her own. What they both find on the journey is that nothing escapes the pull of the spiritual realm known as the World of Light and Shadow.

GATEWAY TO THE WORLD OF LIGHT AND SHADOW is an adventure/fantasy novel written in a historical setting and completed at 190,000 words. I would be pleased to send a partial or full manuscript to you for consideration.
I think this is SUCH an improvement! Really, I don't have much else to say. Great job shortening and tightening the query you have cut out a lot of superfluous information and what's left makes more sense to me now. I still think the word count of your manuscript may be a deterrent to agents, but your query is looking solid.

Best of luck to you-

User avatar
JaEvans
Posts: 40
Joined: March 17th, 2010, 8:01 pm
Contact:

Re: Revision number six

Post by JaEvans » April 4th, 2010, 1:06 pm

Thank you Emily J!

I am still looking at ways of cutting the manuscript. My thinking is that I will try it as is with a round of agents and then if nothing goes I will cut it and try again with the two books that come out of it. I am also writing another book so I have to see how that fits in with it all.

Thanks for the great feedback. It was very constructive and I appreciate the help.

JaEvans
"Life is a tragedy for those who feel, a comedy for those who think" Horace Walpole

Erica75
Posts: 73
Joined: February 28th, 2010, 2:45 pm
Contact:

Re: Revision number six

Post by Erica75 » April 4th, 2010, 10:50 pm

Emily had great insight here! With the suggestions you've gotten and the changes you've made, this looks great. Just a couple nit-pick, isn't gonna' kill ya', but maybe could hurt ya' issues. As usual, use what you can, trash the rest. Oh, and - yeah, you might be rushing things. If you're trying to get your query done and posted, that's one thing. However, if you rush in your editing in order to get your ms out there, it could come back in bite you in the ... um ... foot. With a great story comes great responsibility (and all that jazz). Do it justice and make sure you catch the "dumb" errors or you'll be really mad at yourself later. I usually say it at the end, but I'll go ahead and say it now since your substance is great - good luck going forward!

Nineteen-year-old needs hyphens. Actually, I think trouble-making should be hyphenated, also, but then it seems to point out the qualifiers here. Plus, I agree that the sentence is too long. Consider taking something out or dividing. On topic, later, would-be is also typically hyphenated. I'm also a little concerned about behind the scenes needing them. Go to ask.com and ask "When do you use hyphens?" if you're wondering. I know I did that once and it helped, although look carefully at what sources it gives you before you decide on an expert. Even better, consult your library's reference section and use the reference librarian. If you're busy...I know how that goes...try ask.com and you should find some good advice online. (I seriously need to learn to use the fancy quote system on these posts - sorry again)

I've heard from published authors that adjectives and adverbs can be the kiss of death if used too frequently. The recommendation they've given me to strike every little bugger ending in -ly from my query or the worry is that I have them strewn about my ms willy-nilly. So, rethink your use of certain words like (yes, I know they aren't all adjectives, but these are recommendations for rethinking, not necessarily assassination): perpetual, prominent, unlikely, extremely, and successfully.

I think "By way of title," should have a comma there. I'd change it to "By way of title, that makes him a Dritian. Along with that comes..." and take out the 2nd title.

I wouldn't start a sentence with But... Again, not a problem in an ms, but could catch an eye (not in a good way) in a query. (I warned you it was just nit-pick stuff :)

Ummmm, I hate to bring up the whole topic of your introduction of Anne since she's had her poor little head beaten against the wall a lot here, but now your sentence has introduced her as the daughter of the King of England and being repatriated to France all in the same sentence. It's a bit confusing.

I can't end without wishing you luck again, so, good luck!
we blog - erica and christy - http://lynneawest.blogspot.com/

User avatar
Quill
Posts: 1059
Joined: March 17th, 2010, 9:20 pm
Location: Arizona
Contact:

Re: Revision number six

Post by Quill » April 4th, 2010, 11:26 pm

JaEvans wrote:Thanks for the great comments Emily J. I have taken it to heart and shredded 100 words from the query. Please let me know how this new one sounds. Thanks.

Dear Great Agent:

Hidden away
Omit. "Hidden away" adds nothing and sounds childish.
in another dimension lies a spiritual realm entrusted
Is "entrusted" the right word here? Can a thing (a realm) be entrusted? And by whom?
with balancing the forces of light and darkness throughout the universe. This realm is on the verge of being tipped into perpetual darkness
Is "tipped" the right word here? Tipped implies more a tipping of the balance rather than a full on elimination of the light.
and Jonathan Cornwallis, a trouble making nineteen year old born to a prominent eighteenth century British family
Probably the previous poster in this thread is correct, both "trouble-making" and "nineteen-year-old" should receive hyphens.
, stands as their unlikely saviour.
And again, are you intentionally supplying the British spelling of "savior"? Do you in your story also spell gray as "grey" and center as "centre" for consistency?
Jonathan is the first descendant of the Sons of God to walk the earth in ten thousand years.
Good. Makes me want to know more.
By way of title
Omit. Not needed and repeats "title" from the following sentence.
that makes him a Dritian, and along with the title comes the power needed to push back the darkness.
Wait. You expect me to believe that a title alone supplies the power needed to right the entire universe?
The problem is that Jonathan does not know who he is
That is not enough of a problem. Not nearly.
or the path that lies ahead.
Omit because it is unremarkable. None of us knows the path that lies ahead; yo, Jonathan, join the club.
Anne DeVries, Jonathan’s would be lover
What does "would-be" mean and why do I have to stop and think about this?
and the illegitimate daughter of the King of England, is also unaware of what awaits her when she is suddenly repatriated to France.
Okay, introducing another main character here, done briskly and rather efficiently.
Upon her arrival she is promptly
Omit "promptly" as being redundant to "upon her arrival".
taken hostage by a mid-level criminal, Mr. Boutlier,
Why must his level of criminality be shared in the few precious words of the query? I hope there's an important reason.
in the hopes that he can secure her mother’s vast wealth.
I'm lost. How did we get from trying to restore the balance of light and dark universe-wide to a "mid-level" financial heist in li'l ol' France?
His plan - to rekindle a war with England while establishing for himself a place at the table with an elite group of men known as the Viata.
Wait. Now we're asked to see things from the point of view of the wishes and needs of this gutter frog? Whose story is this? Where's Johnathan? Where's the main conflict?
The Viata have successfully guided
Don't you mean controlled? Guided sounds like benevolent people. Is that what you are going for?
world events from behind the scenes for centuries.
Does this have anything to do with that spiritual realm where things are going dark? If so, then tie it in like crazy here. If not, leave it out. I want to know what Jonathan is doing to save the universe!
They are also extremely desirous
This is maximally awkward. A weak verb, a dreaded adverb, and then an old-fashioned adjective.
of Jonathan’s legacy and the power it contains.
Sorry but I'm not at all sure that a legacy can contain power. At least it is vague when you should be clear as day.
But they are not the only ones. Out of the depths of the spirit realm the darkness has sent its warrior,
Here you personify "the darkness" by having it sent its warrior. If The Darkness is a being then shouldn't it be capitalized as such, and explained as such? You intend for us to believe that darkness itself has or can send a being such as a warrior forward?
the beast,
By sentence structure you imply that The Beast is its name, in which case the name should be capitalized. If not then you should probably call it a beast.
into Jonathan’s dreams in the hope of either scaring him into service or killing him in his sleep if he refuses.

Good!
Even the dreams of men are not safe from the power of the darkness.
This sounds like an author's aside and as such robs power from the excellent idea preceding. If anything strengthen the previous sentence.
As Jonathan seeks his answers
Weak. We are at the crux of the matter and you give us seeking answers? Give us what he does! Action is what we crave here, or the promise of action.
in the new world,
What new world? America? The spirit realm? Don't make us guess!
Anne seeks Jonathan in search of answers of her own.
Again, seeking answers doesn't cut it at the query wrap-up.
What they both find on the journey is that nothing escapes the pull of the spiritual realm
This dis-empowers our heroes completely, making it sound like fate alone will prevail.

And what is meant by "pull"? Is it like gravity impelling our heroes to live in the spiritual realm. It could mean anything, which means it means nothing.
known as the World of Light and Shadow.

GATEWAY TO THE WORLD OF LIGHT AND SHADOW is an adventure/fantasy novel written in a historical setting and completed at 190,000 words.
The word "adventure/" will not help sell your book. Adventure should have already been made clear. And rather than "completed" it might more smoothly read "is complete".
I would be pleased to send a partial or full manuscript to you for consideration.
Replace with "Thank you for your time and consideration." Your willingness to send is a given, given that you've completed the writing and are querying.

Post Reply

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: Bing [Bot] and 1 guest