Query - ONE OF YOU WILL BETRAY ME

Share your blood sweat tears query for feedback and lend your hard-won expertise to others
Post Reply
it's_a_mystery
Posts: 2
Joined: September 13th, 2015, 2:32 pm
Contact:

Query - ONE OF YOU WILL BETRAY ME

Post by it's_a_mystery » September 13th, 2015, 2:36 pm

I'm not really feeling my query. I think it needs more voice and personality like in the MS. But the thing is, my MS is written in first-person point of view.

This is a different genre than most on this forum. But hopefully you guys are willing to take a stab at it and see what it needs and what it doesn't.


Dear Agent,

High school basketball star Yasir Thomas was nine when his grandmother told him that his mother was dead. He was ten when she told him Edward Thomas was his father, but that was a lie.

Because his grandmother lied to him--someone he has known all of his life--Yasir feels like he can't trust anyone. . So he requests a DNA test when Edward shows up on his doorstep after sixteen years. When the test comes back negative, Yasir feels even more alone than before and is tired of being lied to. He turns to the streets, but losing himself on the Brooklyn black tops and in the excitement of stealing cars and blowing them up do nothing to fill the void inside him. So he resolves to find his real father. But it might be too late. His grandmother—the one person who he believes knows the truth—has fallen into a coma. And an enemy, Ray Mitchell, from the past comes back to finish what he started.

Yasir has two choices: finish off Ray so he can get him off his back (with the risk of going to prison) or live in danger while searching for the truth about his family's past. Either choice is dangerous all on its own.


ONE OF YOU WILL BETRAY ME is an urban, street-lit fiction novel complete at 74,000 words.

Best,

Anonymous

it's_a_mystery
Posts: 2
Joined: September 13th, 2015, 2:32 pm
Contact:

Re: Query - ONE OF YOU WILL BETRAY ME

Post by it's_a_mystery » September 15th, 2015, 9:08 am

Anyone?

herro raymond
Posts: 10
Joined: February 17th, 2016, 10:07 pm
Contact:

Re: Query - ONE OF YOU WILL BETRAY ME

Post by herro raymond » February 18th, 2016, 4:51 pm

It doesn't really feel like a query, more of a summary. I know the two are similar, but this is missing the essential hook at the beginning to catch the reader. I recommend maybe adding a little more backstory to the first paragraph. For some reason, it felt vague to me, and I couldn't really understand the motive of the story. Good luck.

Post Reply

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 4 guests