Query Blurb: Which is better?

Share your blood sweat tears query for feedback and lend your hard-won expertise to others
Post Reply
almshouse
Posts: 1
Joined: June 23rd, 2015, 3:25 pm
Contact:

Query Blurb: Which is better?

Post by almshouse » June 23rd, 2015, 3:31 pm

In the process of drafting queries. I wrote a few synopsis queries. Which reads better? (I realize the first and third are similar, but if anyone has a slight preference, please let me know.)

1. The town of Ashford has many secrets, but none like the one surrounding St. Margaret's School for Girls. But when a bag of bones falls on twelve-year old Julia, she finds herself thrown into a world of magic, murder and misfit ghosts. Something's amiss in the spirit realm, and her new friend Lyle isn't much help. But between bargaining with the dead and digging for clues, Julia must unravel the story behind the bones before the Reaper claims them all.

2. Bodies belong in the graveyard and children at school. But when a bag of bones falls on twelve-year old Julia, she finds herself thrown from St. Margaret's and into the cemetery down the street. Her new neighbors aren't so lively, and there's a boy following her with a haunted violin. Between bargaining with ghouls and looking for a new home, Julia soon realizes there’s a lot more to the town's history than meets the eye. Not every terror lives in the spirit realm, and some are dying to cover their tracks, whatever the costs.

3. The town of Ashford has many secrets, but none like the one surrounding St. Margaret's School for Girls. But when when a bag of bones falls on twelve-year old Julia, she finds herself thrown into a world of half-truths and misfit spirits. Her new friend Lyle isn't much help, but between bargaining with ghouls and sidestepping the Reaper, Julia must unravel the story behind the bones and why no one ever came to claim them.

Thanks in advance!

User avatar
klbritt
Posts: 119
Joined: February 2nd, 2012, 11:16 pm
Location: Phoenix, Arizona
Contact:

Re: Query Blurb: Which is better?

Post by klbritt » July 6th, 2015, 3:16 pm

To me, the 2nd one catches my attention more :)
~Kristie

-: Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read - Groucho Marx :-

http://www.BKRivers.blogspot.com

longknife
Posts: 185
Joined: September 16th, 2012, 2:03 pm
Contact:

Re: Query Blurb: Which is better?

Post by longknife » July 7th, 2015, 3:00 pm

I like #2 also.
Drop by Father Serra's Legacy http://msgdaleday.blogspot.com. Comments always eagerly awaited - but only if you find the item interesting enough to respond to.

LizV
Posts: 82
Joined: July 6th, 2012, 11:35 am
Contact:

Re: Query Blurb: Which is better?

Post by LizV » July 21st, 2015, 2:07 pm

Definitely #2. 1 & 3 both come across as a bit vague; #2 is more clear about what's going on and what's at stake. Also, #2 has intriguing details like the haunted violin.

longknife
Posts: 185
Joined: September 16th, 2012, 2:03 pm
Contact:

Re: Query Blurb: Which is better?

Post by longknife » July 21st, 2015, 5:03 pm

My vote's for #2
Drop by Father Serra's Legacy http://msgdaleday.blogspot.com. Comments always eagerly awaited - but only if you find the item interesting enough to respond to.

EAH
Posts: 2
Joined: August 20th, 2015, 4:57 pm
Contact:

Re: Query Blurb: Which is better?

Post by EAH » August 20th, 2015, 5:02 pm

Two. Looks like it's unanimous. :D

herro raymond
Posts: 10
Joined: February 17th, 2016, 10:07 pm
Contact:

Re: Query Blurb: Which is better?

Post by herro raymond » February 18th, 2016, 5:00 pm

Without a doubt, #2.

Post Reply

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: Bing [Bot] and 2 guests