Query: Shades of Darkness Revised at post #4

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Denisa
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Query: Shades of Darkness Revised at post #4

Post by Denisa » October 27th, 2014, 2:44 pm

Hey guys! This is my query. Any suggestions you might have to improve it will be well received. Thank you in advance.

Dear ...,

Carla Dubrov knew that a young man named Jason D’Cartey would one day give his life to protect hers. She knew because she had seen it in a vision–and that, not death, was Carla’s greatest fear: history repeating itself.

Two hundred years ago, Jason’s brother, Anthony, died because of her. Now, Carla refuses to allow the same thing to happen to Jason. She thought she could prevent it, because nature, and the truth behind Anthony’s death, made her and Jason enemies from the moment Carla set foot in Lake Forest. Jason knows Carla was involved in his brother’s death, and he has sworn that he will stop at nothing to find out just how deeply her involvement was. Carla’s trouble deepens when Jason’s friends start dying off and it appears she is the one responsible. While trying to prove her innocence, she is caught in a deadly game of hide-and-seek with a killer who wants to make her suffer before bringing her down. But when her own life is threatened, Jason–despite his hatred and mistrust–is determined to protect her at any cost, just as Carla feared would happen.

Now, Carla must prevent her vision from unfolding in real life. But can she free herself from the deadly web she’s been caught in before she and Jason both lose their lives? Ultimately, she is forced to choose between staying and facing possible death, or running in an attempt to lure the killer away from Lake Forest, and away from Jason.

SHADES OF DARKNESS: THE LIGHT is a fantasy novel with series potential, complete at 83,000 words.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

With kind regards,
Denisa
Last edited by Denisa on November 19th, 2014, 2:05 pm, edited 2 times in total.

Denisa
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Re: Query: Shades of Darkness

Post by Denisa » October 29th, 2014, 12:33 pm

This is a second draft I've been working on. Which one sounds better?

Dear …

Carla Dubrov has spent most of her life imprisoned or on the run. But when she learns, through a vision, that Jason D’Cartey will give his life to save hers, she must venture out of hiding. She has never met Jason, but she knew his brother, Anthony long ago; it has been two hundred years since he died because of her. Now, Carla refuses to allow the same thing to happen to Jason.

Nature itself, and the truth behind Anthony’s death, made her and Jason enemies from the moment Carla set foot in Lake Forest. Jason suspects Carla was involved in his brother’s death, and he will stop at nothing to find out just how deeply her involvement went. His suspicions grow stronger when his friends start dying off and it appears Carla is the one responsible. But for Carla, one thing becomes clear: she’s been found, and whoever is on her trail wants to make her suffer before bringing her down. When their lives are threatened, Jason—despite his hatred and mistrust—is determined to protect her, just as her vision had revealed and Carla had feared would happen.

Her gut tells her to run, but that would mean leaving Jason—and everyone else she has grown to care about—to their fate. Staying, on the other hand, would bring her vision to fruition. She must find a way to save him; she owed it to Anthony. But that debt wasn’t the only reason. She has discovered that, not only is her destiny intertwined with Jason's, but she is also irrepressibly drawn to him in a way that is impossible to ignore.

SHADES OF DARKNESS: THE LIGHT is a contemporary fantasy novel with series potential, complete at 83,000 words.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

With kind regards,
Denisa

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theWallflower
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Re: Query: Shades of Darkness

Post by theWallflower » November 18th, 2014, 4:09 pm

Carla Dubrov has spent most of her life imprisoned or on the run.
Why? What did she do? Start with that.
she learns, through a vision, that Jason D’Cartey will give his life to save hers
Who is Jason? Is she psychic? What does giving life to save hers mean? Under what circumstances? What danger is she in?

I feel like this is character soup. You're throwing a bunch of names and events at us, but not how they relate to one another, or how event A leads to B leads to C. I don't care enough about any of the characters to buy this. I don't know who Carla is or how I can relate to her.
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Denisa
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Revised #3

Post by Denisa » November 19th, 2014, 1:58 pm

Dear …

There is no such thing as true immortality. Eternity is a long time to make enemies, and Carla Dubrov knows that sooner or later, everyone gets killed.

To survive, Carla has taken the lives of many immortals, but the one that will forever haunt her was not taken—it was given. Anthony, the man she loved, sacrificed himself for her. Now, two hundred years later, she can finally repay the debt by saving his brother, Jason. The boy’s reckless search for Anthony’s killers has attracted attention that is certain to turn deadly. No one knew Anthony had a living brother—not even Carla—and for Jason’s own sake, that secret should have never been revealed.

When two of Jason’s friends are compelled to commit suicide, it becomes clear that Carla’s enemies—the same enemies who killed Anthony—have found them. Carla’s plans to keep him alive are frustrated by the fact that Jason wants nothing to do with her; he is convinced she was involved in Anthony’s death, and he accuses her of luring the killer to his hometown. All Carla can do to protect him is try to find and stop the killer before he or she gets to Jason. Despite all of her efforts, her adversary is always one step ahead. As the deadly game unfolds, it becomes clear that Carla is the ultimate target. Jason is simply the means to making her suffer.

The instincts that have kept her alive for so long are telling her to run, but she has no guarantees that the killer won’t stop to finish Jason off before following her. She can’t leave him behind. But staying also has consequences, one of which could very well be her own death.

SHADES OF DARKNESS: THE LIGHT is a young adult contemporary fantasy novel, complete at 83,000 words.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

Denisa M
Last edited by Denisa on November 19th, 2014, 2:04 pm, edited 2 times in total.

Denisa
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Joined: June 14th, 2014, 5:40 am
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Re: Query: Shades of Darkness

Post by Denisa » November 19th, 2014, 1:59 pm

theWallflower wrote:
Carla Dubrov has spent most of her life imprisoned or on the run.
Why? What did she do? Start with that.
she learns, through a vision, that Jason D’Cartey will give his life to save hers
Who is Jason? Is she psychic? What does giving life to save hers mean? Under what circumstances? What danger is she in?

I feel like this is character soup. You're throwing a bunch of names and events at us, but not how they relate to one another, or how event A leads to B leads to C. I don't care enough about any of the characters to buy this. I don't know who Carla is or how I can relate to her.

Thank you so much for your feedback!

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