Query - "Tribal New Begining"

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adtabb
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Query - "Tribal New Begining"

Post by adtabb » March 11th, 2010, 9:23 am

Dear Specific Agent,

Back from a six month trip, Terra, a world traveling cross-cultural journalist living in Vermont, receives a letter to spend the winter collecting stories at a Native American village in Arizona, she cannot refuse. Terra thinks this simple assignment will be appreciated by her editors and funders.
Terra arrives, anticipating the stories of this village who call themselves misfits. However, Terra quickly finds herself facing her deep rooted fear of children through an unanticipated attempt to find both a future for herself, these children, and the village she has come to call home.

Meanwhile, Jaci, granddaughter of the tribal council leader, desperately works to force Terra to take these two orphans and leave the village to its fate. Her plans appear both helped, and hindered as Terra uncovers the complex family dynamics, including her own, that exist in this village. Terra struggles to find a future for the village, in order to keep her new found family together.

The Tribal New Beginning is a 41,000 word work of literary women's and young adult role model fiction. I have a short story scheduled to be published in Beyond Centauri in October; and recently placed in the "Why I Write" contest on Editor Unleashed to be published online at Smashwords. I am currently working on drafts of two other women's fiction stories. My blog with information about my works in progress can be found at: http://aprilbrownwrite.wordpress.com.

Thank you for your time, and I look forward to hearing from you soon.

Best wishes,
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shadow
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Re: Query - "Tribal New Begining"

Post by shadow » March 11th, 2010, 10:14 am

Hello there! I will give this query a go!

Back from a six month trip, Terra, a world traveling cross-cultural journalist living in Vermont, receives a letter to spend the winter collecting stories at a Native American village in Arizona, she cannot refuse. This is a bit on the longer side and I think that you can condense it but I really like how you got so much info in the hook! Terra thinks this simple assignment will be appreciated by her editors and funders.

Terra arrives, anticipating the stories of this village who call themselves misfits. However, Terra quickly finds herself facing her deep rooted fear of children through an unanticipated attempt to find both a future for herself, these children, and the village she has come to call home. Is she scared of children?

Meanwhile, Jaci, granddaughter of the tribal council leader, desperately works to force Terra to take these two orphans and leave the village to its fate. Her plans appear both helped, and hindered as Terra uncovers the complex family dynamics, including her own, that exist in this village. Terra struggles to find a future for the village, in order to keep her new found family together.

The Tribal New Beginning is a 41,000 word work of literary women's and young adult role model fiction. that's a bit on the short side... I have a short story scheduled to be published in Beyond Centauri in October; and recently placed in the "Why I Write" contest on Editor Unleashed to be published online at Smashwords. Unless you placed first or second take that out! I am currently working on drafts of two other women's fiction stories. My blog with information about my works in progress can be found at: http://aprilbrownwrite.wordpress.com.

Thank you for your time, and I look forward to hearing from you soon.

Good Luck!
All things writing, visit my blog http://arielemerald.blogspot.com/

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Krista G.
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Re: Query - "Tribal New Begining"

Post by Krista G. » March 11th, 2010, 1:30 pm

adtabb wrote:Dear Specific Agent,

Back from a six month trip, Terra, a world traveling cross-cultural journalist living in Vermont, receives a letter to spend the winter collecting stories at a Native American village in Arizona, she cannot refuse. Terra thinks this simple assignment will be appreciated by her editors and funders. This last sentence isn't too relevant to the storyline; you could lose it without losing any content.
Terra arrives, anticipating the stories of this village who call themselves misfits. However, Terra quickly finds herself facing her deep rooted fear of children through an unanticipated attempt to find both a future for herself, these children, and the village she has come to call home. This sentence is too general to have much meaning. Also, we make a pretty big jump in the story here: First, she's just arriving, but then she's suddenly facing her fears and making decisions about an unanticipated future. (And did she not expect this village to have children? Seems sort of unlikely that she'd suddenly find herself facing her deep-rooted fear of children, as I would think she'd expect children to be everywhere...)

Meanwhile, Jaci, granddaughter of the tribal council leader, desperately works to force Terra to take these two orphans (What two orphans?) and leave the village to its fate. Her plans appear both helped, and hindered as Terra uncovers the complex family dynamics, including her own, that exist in this village. Terra struggles to find a future for the village, in order to keep her new found family together. Again, there's too much generality here for me to really get a sense of what's going on.

The Tribal New Beginning is a 41,000 word work of literary women's and young adult role model fiction. That word count seems a little lean. I have a short story scheduled to be published in Beyond Centauri in October; and recently placed in the "Why I Write" contest on Editor Unleashed to be published online at Smashwords. I am currently working on drafts of two other women's fiction stories. My blog with information about my works in progress can be found at: http://aprilbrownwrite.wordpress.com. I'd mention the short story credit and your blog address, and ditch everything else. You don't want to look like you're fishing for information to include. Just let the book speak for itself.

Thank you for your time, and I look forward to hearing from you soon. I wouldn't end with "and I look forward to hearing from you soon." Quite a few agents only respond to queries they're interested in, so the (sad) truth is, you may never here back from them. And you don't want to come across like you're pressuring them to respond.

Best wishes,
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Good luck with this!
Author of THE REGENERATED MAN (G.P. Putnam's Sons Books for Young Readers, Winter 2015)
Represented by Kate Schafer Testerman of kt literary
www.motherwrite.blogspot.com

adtabb
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Re: Query - "Tribal New Begining"

Post by adtabb » March 11th, 2010, 6:49 pm

Thank you both. I think I am still being too outlineish, and not sharing enough of the story. However,, I don't want to share so much it defeats the purpose of reading it. It's tough to get the combination right.

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shadow
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Re: Query - "Tribal New Begining"

Post by shadow » March 11th, 2010, 9:34 pm

Actually you are going to be revealing the FULL story from beginning to end in your synopsis so eaither way what's the big deal right? An agent wants to know if the story is worth reading before reading because they are busy people :)
All things writing, visit my blog http://arielemerald.blogspot.com/

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charity_bradford
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Re: Query - "Tribal New Begining"

Post by charity_bradford » March 12th, 2010, 1:38 pm

I like to comment as I read. :) Sorry if I repeat what others have said, I haven't read the other comments yet. I find this helps me say what I really think. Hope it helps, and please remember it is just one opinion.
adtabb wrote:Dear Specific Agent,

Back from a six month trip, Terra, a world traveling cross-cultural journalist living in Vermont, receives a letter to spend the winter collecting stories at a Native American village in Arizona, she cannot refuse. Wow, that is a mouthful. Read it out loud and break it up into more natural chunks. There are also a lot of adjectives in there. Can you cut any? Also, do we need to know she is back from a trip? Just start by saying, "Terra, a world traveling journalist from Vermont, receives a job offer to spend the winter in Arizona. She thinks the simple assignment to collect stories at a Native American village will..." Terra thinks this simple assignment will be appreciated by her editors and funders. She thinks they will appreciate it? Wouldn't she know before packing up and making the trip? Why will they appreciate it? If she is not free lance they would be making the assignments anyway.
Terra arrives, anticipating the stories of this village who call themselves misfits. maybe reword to "self proclaimed misfits"? However, Terra quickly finds herself facing her deep rooted fear of children through an unanticipated attempt to find both a future for herself, these children, and the village she has come to call home. What? How long is she there. Suddenly this village is her home and what is her fear of children. Fear as in she doesn't know how to react to them, or fear of them hiding under her bed to kill her at night?

Meanwhile, Jaci, granddaughter of the tribal council leader, desperately works to force Terra to take these two orphans and leave the village to its fate. Who are the twins? When did they come into the story and why should they leave the village. There just isn't enough information for any of this to make sense. Her plans appear both helped, and hindered as Terra uncovers the complex family dynamics, including her own, that exist in this village. Huh? Terra struggles to find a future for the village, in order to keep her new found family together. Why is she trying to "find" a future for the village? Are they being forced to move, going to fall into a fault line? What?

The Tribal New Beginning is a 41,000 word work of literary women's and young adult role model fiction. I have a short story scheduled to be published in Beyond Centauri in October; and recently placed in the "Why I Write" contest on Editor Unleashed to be published online at Smashwords. I am currently working on drafts of two other women's fiction stories. My blog with information about my works in progress can be found at: http://aprilbrownwrite.wordpress.com.

Thank you for your time, and I look forward to hearing from you soon.

Best wishes,
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Address
Phone
Email
You have the same problem I did with my first few query drafts. I didn't want to give away any of the best information so that it would be new when they read the first chapters. Unfortunately, if we don't entice them with the query they will never read the first chapter. It sounds like you have an idea here, just let us know what it is. Bring in some of the emotions. If Terra has fallen in love with this village, these children, show us, make us feel it too. I know that is hard in such a short space, but give it a try. Help us understand what is really at stake here, because right now I don't know what it is.

Hang in there and don't give up!
If you are a mother and a writer you have to make the time to write. No one is going to give it to you.
http://charitywrites.blogspot.com/

henyad
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Re: Query - "Tribal New Begining"

Post by henyad » March 12th, 2010, 6:48 pm

Back from a six month trip, Terra, a world traveling cross-cultural journalist living in Vermont, receives a letter to spend the winter collecting stories at a Native American village in Arizona, she cannot refuse. Terra thinks this simple assignment will be appreciated by her editors and funders. The first paragraph is too long.
Terra arrives, anticipating the stories of this village who call themselves misfits. However, Terra quickly finds herself facing her deep rooted fear of children through an unanticipated attempt to find both a future for herself, these children, and the village she has come to call home.

Meanwhile, Jaci, granddaughter of the tribal council leader, desperately works to force Terra to take these two orphans and leave the village to its fate. Her plans appear both helped, and hindered as Terra uncovers the complex family dynamics, including her own, that exist in this village. Terra struggles to find a future for the village, in order to keep her new found family together. The highlighted - this is where the heart of the story resides. Could even be your hook. Why would I care that Terra returned from a trip, where she lives, and the fact she cannot refuse the offer to collect stories. Hook the agent with the first sentence. What is the story about. You need to answer this question.

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