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Just to get your opinion...

Posted: September 27th, 2014, 11:18 am
by Anigirl
So, I spent some time writing a query for my very-hard-to-query book. I think the query is...pretty okay.
At any rate, I was writing a little while ago and this blurb/query/summery/thing came right out. As I look I at, I've been considering using it as my query.
So here it is! All I want is your opinion. Do you think this would grab an agent's attention?

First it’s just the window, creaking open every night.

Then came the whispers that only he could hear.

Then whispers became hisses and the boy appeared, translucent and cheerful. But he only showed up when Konrad was alone.

Blood appeared on his hands, and when he looked in a mirror he saw himself in a black uniform with a swastika on his arm. The ghost boy started to leave him messages in blood, reminding him what he did to a little Jewish child not so long ago.

The psychologist assured him that it was all in his head, personified guilt and nothing more.

But real or not, the Dybbuk is following Konrad. And he won’t go away until he has his revenge.

Re: Just to get your opinion...

Posted: November 18th, 2014, 4:17 pm
by theWallflower
First it’s just the window, creaking open every night.

Then came the whispers that only he could hear.
There's a tense change here.

It's okay to do a gimmicky query like this, but only when the following questions are answered: who is the protagonist, what world does he/she live in, what problem does he/she face. The main character doesn't show until the third paragraph. I don't know what the whispers or window are -- to me, that could all be an old house. And when you're talking Nazis, you need to tread lightly. This sounded like a typical ghost story until that came in. And if I was an agent, I would be like 'hands off, too controversial'. And did Konrad do something to a Jewish boy or did the ghost? How old is Konrad? Is he an adult or a kid?

And then the query ends before it begins. It sounds more like a short story than a novel. I have no idea who Konrad is or what choice he faces.