Nathan Bransford - The Forums

Query for my romance novel. What do you guys think?


Dear (agent)

Have you ever regretted kissing anybody before? Well Evalyn has decided that even if she shouldn’t be kissing Carter she isn’t going to regret it, she is even going to enjoy it, a forbidden kiss between step brother and step sister that never should have happened. What happens when he says he is in love with her, how long can she hide the fact that she feels the same about him.

To hid her feelings she throws herself into her school work and singing, which in Kildare Academy of the Arts VOICE program you get the once in a lifetime chance to do both. With the senior show coming up and the potential recruitment offers for an opera company she need to focus on that.

My name is Rebecca Sauvé and I am currently enrolled as a student at St. Lawrence College taking the Literacy writing certificate and once I graduate I plan on going to Queen’s university for my English degree. VOICE was something close to my heart, my four years of high school were spend with my choir and band. Many scenes are based on what really happened in that close group of friends- although none of my friends were in love with their step brother.

V.O.I.C.E is a Young Adult Romance complete at over 70 000 words. An unedited version is post on Wattpad.com where it has received over (…) views. I am prepared to send out sample chapters or a full manuscript at your request.

Thank you for your time and careful consideration on behalf of my novel and may I be the first to welcome you to Kildare Academy of the Arts! Where lines are crossed and love defies all odds.

Sincerely,

Dear (agent)

Have you ever regretted kissing anybody before? No rhetorical questions.Well Evalyn has decided that even if she shouldn’t be kissing Carter she isn’t going to regret it,; she is even going to enjoy it,. a forbidden kiss between step brother and step sister that never should have happened. (rephrase) What happens when he says he is in love with her, how long can she hide the fact that she feels the same about him. This sentence doesn't make any sense. Is it a question and if so why are you asking it? Tell us what happens.

To hid hide her feelings she throws herself into her school work and singing, which in Kildare Academy of the Arts VOICE (In one instance you make it acronym but here it's just a word. Which is it?) program you get the once in a lifetime chance to do both. With the senior show coming up and the potential recruitment offers for an opera company she need to focus on that.

My name is Rebecca Sauvé and I am currently enrolled as a student at St. Lawrence College taking the Literacy writing certificate and once I graduate I plan on going to Queen’s university for my English degree. VOICE was something close to my heart, my four years of high school were spend with my choir and band. Many scenes are based on what really happened in that close group of friends- although none of my friends were in love with their step brother. ( I really think you can get rid of this entire paragraph.)

V.O.I.C.E is a Young Adult Romance complete at over 70 000 words. An unedited version is post on Wattpad.com where it has received over (…) views. I am prepared to send out sample chapters or a full manuscript at your request.

Thank you for your time and careful consideration on behalf of my novel and may I be the first to welcome you to Kildare Academy of the Arts! Where lines are crossed and love defies all odds.

This needs a lot of work and there are a lot of grammatical and spelling errors. Start again. Who are your characters? What do they want? What happens if they don't get it? What are the stakes? Good luck!

Hi, Rebecca!

I agree with the suggestions kenpochick made. There's a great conflict there - she and her step brother are in love! Focus the first line on that. Not sure if you were putting up a draft for review purposes but it doesn't read like a polished, final version. A tip I found useful: read it out loud to yourself. It slows you down and forces you to see mistakes your eyes normally skim over , especially in documents you've been staring at for a long time.

Best of luck, Tree