A BROKEN MIRROR -- new query

[Serzen]

I had a good day yesterday. I wrote a sentence. But I also pulled out a sheet of paper that I had drafted a query on and, well, hey, I didn't hate it. So tell me what you think. I hope that I'm getting close to the end...

========
It was one of those days, one of those days where not a single expectation could be met. That was what started it all. An argument with Jamie escalated into all of this.

Kerring. You swore you'd never set foot in that town again. Until now, apparently. Sleepless nights, heartaches and ultimate betrayal are the only thinks Kerring ever gave you. Why couldn't someone else have gotten this assignment? And now the police are involved.

After two long weeks alone, pursued by the past, reliving memory, trapped in your own mind, a man approaches and softly speaks your name. You look up into his eyes and finally allow yourself to hope that you can be reclaimed.

A BROKEN MIRROR is a 40,000 word work of literary fiction similar in theme to Charlotte Perkins Gilman's "The Yellow Wallpaper." It is the story of a mind shattered a lifetime ago and how it at last crumbles when will is exhausted. It is, ultimately, the story of anyone.
========

I'm still also tweaking the title a bit. If you've any thoughts related thereto I'll contemplate them, as well.

~Serzen

[Holly]

It was one of those days, one of those days...

Just a quick comment because I'm at work. See Nathan's blog post today about repetition. Good luck!

[jessicatudor]

What Holly said about repetition.

40k is too short for a novel, no matter what genre. Also, even literary fiction needs some sort of plot, which can be summed up in a query letter. This... is not that. Clearly there's something going on with Kerring and the police, but darned if I know what. I've seen numerous agents explain why they don't like queries in character, and this is a good example: it tells us not much of anything. I don't even know who the protagonist is, let alone what she wants. Also, you make it sound depressing and that makes me not want to read it no matter how pretty the writing might be, and the writing is pretty, nicely atmospheric.

[ahalaw]

I'm having a hard time identifying the story line. What's "A Broken Mirror" about? I also think you might be taking too much creative license with the letter--the fragments, writing in character. As jessicatudor said about the length, you're probably going to run into difficulty finding a home for this. It's too long for a short story and too short for a novel. Novellas, to me, seem to be a luxury or perk of a published author. Can you expand the story to maybe 60K?

Good connection to "The Yellow Wallpaper." This will help sell the story.

Best of luck.

--ahalaw

[GeeGee55]

Hi, Serzen:

I don't hate this either. If I remember correctly you said in an earlier post that it's written in second person, so that will be a challenge in terms of doing the query. It's a bit choppy, disjointed. I need some connectors in order to be able to follow the story line. What does a fight with Jamie have to do with the narrator leaving Kerring? What assignment and how did the police become involved? It is the story of a mind shattered a lifetime ago - I'd cut that line.
There are many great novels that sound depressing and end sadly, don't worry about that.

Keep going with it. The voice is interesting, it just needs to show the story line more clearly. And comparing your work the the Yellow Wallpaper gives a good idea of what to expect.

[A.M.Kuska]

I like it best with the first paragraph dropped, and "until now, apparently." from the second sentence cut. That's really all I see. It's quite clean. :)

[Ghost in the Machine]

Hi Serzen,

I have to agree with the other comments. The writing is alluring, but the lack of concrete plot elements is frustrating. I know that is how the book itself is presented to the reader. But remember, getting an agent to read the book is a different exercise than getting someone to buy it in the bookstore. Don’t cripple your query by holding back in regards to the plot. I don’t even think it would take that many words to fix this and not change the overall style. Say what the assignment is. Why are the police involved? Murder? Robbery? Missing person? And the mystery man. You could say if the MC knows him or his occupation and still keep him mysterious.

Quick Question: Is “the only thinks Kerring ever gave you” a play on words or a typo?

Nutty Ghost Suggestion: I had an idea about the word count. You’ll probably hate it, but here goes. The main character is suffering from a debilitating mental illness. Perhaps they spent a long time in the past under the care of a psychiatrist. You could split the current uninterrupted story block with notes from the doctor describing his sessions with the patient, his difficulty diagnosing the patient, the horrible things that happen to the patient as a result of medication gone wrong, or who knows—it’s wide open.

Besides giving the reader a break from the intensity of being inside the MC’s head, you could add another element of suspense. Imagine the doctor detailing some horrific incident in the notes right as a similar situation is building in the main narrative. You could mess with the reader’s anticipation—will the MC succumb to his/her illness and react the same? Or will they be strong enough to fight it?

From past posts, I feel, that as a writer, you like to hold all the cards with this book and take the reader on a wild, disorienting ride through mental illness. Perhaps it works well. But then I think about one of “Seven things I learned so far” on Sambino’s blog where a writer realized that it’s not about showing the reader how smart you are, it’s about showing the reader how smart they are. Perhaps this idea about inserting a doctor’s files would allow you to do that.

Okay, shuttin’ up.

Ghost in the Machine

[A.M.Kuska]

Great suggestion Ghost, the idea gave me tingles. O.O

[bcomet]

Hi Serz,

I especially liked your earlier version #2.

But here are my thoughts on this version:

========
It was one of those days, one of those days where not a single expectation could be met. That was what started it all. An argument with Jamie escalated into all of this.

Kerring. ( Kerring could be a man's name or a town or an institutional name. It leaves the reader of this paragraph disoriented. I realize you answer it in the next sentence. But "Kerring." alone is a sharp, pointed one-word sentence. It's jarring. And, maybe you mean it to be.??) You swore you'd never set foot in that town again. Until now, apparently. But the only things it ever gave you were sleepless nights, heartaches and ultimate betrayal. are the only thinks Kerring ever gave you. (moved to front of sentence.) Now you've been assigned to(answer question here: who assigned you, what is your job? Was it a mental health assignment? See how this needs to be clarified.) Why couldn't someone else have gotten this assignment? And now that (add such and such has occurred, i.e a murder? a mental breakdown where windows got broken? See how this need to be answered here?) the police are involved.

(Where is he alone? On the run? in solitary confinement? In jail?) After two long weeks alone in the _____, where the past is still able to pursue you, all you can do is relive the memories. After two long weeks alone, pursued by the past, reliving memory, You are trapped in your own mind until a man approaches and softly speaks your name. You look up into his eyes and finally allow yourself to hope that you can be reclaimed.

A BROKEN MIRROR is a 40,000 word work of literary fiction similar in theme to Charlotte Perkins Gilman's "The Yellow Wallpaper." It is the story of a mind shattered a lifetime ago and how it at last crumbles when will is exhausted. It is, ultimately, the a story of that could happen to anyone.
========

I'm still also tweaking the title a bit. I like the title BROKEN MIRROR. If you've any thoughts related thereto I'll contemplate them, as well.

~Serzen

I hope this is helpful.

Kind regards,
bcomet

[Serzen]

I'm going to try and address everything in one round if I can. I'm still way too busy for my own good, but c'est la vie.

bcomet--I presume by earlier second version you mean the river paragraphs? Yes, Kerring was meant to be spat out like an oath. It's, to quote the text, 'an abscess in your memories'. And I wondered myself about spilling more about why the police. Alone, yeah, I just typed this straight up, didn't think about not mentioning Jamie's leaving.

Ghost--Yes, typo. Bane of my existence. Curse you ginormous hands! As to the idea of splitting the narrative...I can't say that I hate the IDEA. I hate the idea of making the work anything less than what it SHOULD be, though. I'm giving it some thought, though. It gives me an idea to work from. I've a couple of test readers poring over the text as we 'speak' and I'll discuss with them whether or not it would be appropriate. And, alas, I do want all of the cards held tight to the vest. I prefer the end to be a surprise. But I also hope that I sprinkled enough clues throughout that when one reaches the end, one will be able to say 'oh, yeah, I guess maybe I should've seen that coming.'

A.M.Kuska--thanks

GeeGee--Correct, second person present tense. For the most part. Memories are told in the past. I've been thinking about how to put these 'connectors' in; Ghost's notion of maybe doing it with just a few words is making me think very carefully about how I can do it in the least amount of words.

ahalaw--A BROKEN MIRROR is about a shattered mind. Plain and simple, it's the story of someone who is insane. I was reaching for that tone in the letter, but I fear I achieved it only too well.

jessicatudor--Thanks for voicing your opinion. Depressing isn't a bad word in regards to this work. The human mind is a cesspool, nothing that deals with it comes out clean.

Holly--ditto

Okay, now that I've used up that many of the precious bits on teh intrawebs, I do want to mention the Length Issue...Yes, 40,000 words is short. It's a short novel--a novella, which is only a class of novel, after all. Whomever is responsible for word count nazism really needs to find something else to worry about. I understand that publishers are looking for certain things with certain of their imprints, that they're business critters trying to make money, they need to sell what sells, etc etc etc. But, frankly, literature is art. No one is going to tell a painter that his canvas is too large or too small, they're only going to comment on whether or not s/he's painted a compelling painting. A writer should, likewise, be judged by the impact of the final product. Not by how thick its spine is.

If no one ever published novellas or short novels where would we get our OF MICE AND MEN (around 25K), OLD MAN AND THE SEA (26,500) ANIMAL FARM (30K), HEART OF DARKNESS (37,500) or WIDE SARGASSO SEA (43K)? The last two, by the way, are generally considered novels. Where would modern culture be with the influence of BREAKFAST AT TIFFANY'S or A CHRISTMAS CAROL? SHOPGIRL debuted at number 4 on the NYT bestseller list and stayed on the list for 15 weeks.

A good book is a good book. It tells the story it sets out to tell and does so in a way that leaves us a little changed for having read it. How many words it takes to tell the story--just like how much canvas it takes to paint a painting--depends on the subject matter and the way the matter is delivered, the deftness of the artist.

In summation, as our Agential Overlord is wont to say, "If it works, it works."

~Serzen

[henyad]

It was one of those days, one of those days where not a single expectation could be met. That was what started it all. An argument with Jamie escalated into all of this.
first, not a good idea to repeat yourself. second, I'm not hooked. What does "all of this" mean? The first paragraph tells me nothing about the story you want to hook me into.

Kerring. You swore you'd never set foot in that town again. Until now, apparently. Sleepless nights, heartaches and ultimate betrayal are the only thinks Kerring ever gave you. Why couldn't someone else have gotten this assignment? And now the police are involved.

"the police are involved" is where I'm beginning to get interested. Bring it in sooner.
After two long weeks alone, pursued by the past, reliving memory, trapped in your own mind, a man approaches and softly speaks your name. You look up into his eyes and finally allow yourself to hope that you can be reclaimed.
I know this story is trying to speak out to me, but I still don't know what's about. You need to find the meat of the story. What's at the heart of it> Dredge it out and give it to us. I you have to tell me what the story is all about in one sentence - what would it be?

A BROKEN MIRROR is a 40,000 word work of literary fiction similar in theme to Charlotte Perkins Gilman's "The Yellow Wallpaper." It is the story of a mind shattered a lifetime

[Ghost in the Machine]

Hi Serzen,

I enjoyed reading your defense of your word count, but then realized something about it sounded familiar. Oh yeah. People with huge word counts come up with a similar defense: J.K.Rowling does it, Stephen King does it, so why can’t I have agents take my 150,000 word masterpiece seriously?

Your short book may be a masterpiece. But getting an agent hooked with a query is a tough thing to do. If your word count is widely out of range, then you run the risk of getting rejected based on that low number. For you, perhaps that additional risk is acceptable.

Ghost

[Bryan Russell/Ink]

I'm going to try and address everything in one round if I can. I'm still way too busy for my own good, but c'est la vie.

bcomet--I presume by earlier second version you mean the river paragraphs? Yes, Kerring was meant to be spat out like an oath. It's, to quote the text, 'an abscess in your memories'. And I wondered myself about spilling more about why the police. Alone, yeah, I just typed this straight up, didn't think about not mentioning Jamie's leaving.

Ghost--Yes, typo. Bane of my existence. Curse you ginormous hands! As to the idea of splitting the narrative...I can't say that I hate the IDEA. I hate the idea of making the work anything less than what it SHOULD be, though. I'm giving it some thought, though. It gives me an idea to work from. I've a couple of test readers poring over the text as we 'speak' and I'll discuss with them whether or not it would be appropriate. And, alas, I do want all of the cards held tight to the vest. I prefer the end to be a surprise. But I also hope that I sprinkled enough clues throughout that when one reaches the end, one will be able to say 'oh, yeah, I guess maybe I should've seen that coming.'

A.M.Kuska--thanks

GeeGee--Correct, second person present tense. For the most part. Memories are told in the past. I've been thinking about how to put these 'connectors' in; Ghost's notion of maybe doing it with just a few words is making me think very carefully about how I can do it in the least amount of words.

ahalaw--A BROKEN MIRROR is about a shattered mind. Plain and simple, it's the story of someone who is insane. I was reaching for that tone in the letter, but I fear I achieved it only too well.

jessicatudor--Thanks for voicing your opinion. Depressing isn't a bad word in regards to this work. The human mind is a cesspool, nothing that deals with it comes out clean.

Holly--ditto

Okay, now that I've used up that many of the precious bits on teh intrawebs, I do want to mention the Length Issue...Yes, 40,000 words is short. It's a short novel--a novella, which is only a class of novel, after all. Whomever is responsible for word count nazism really needs to find something else to worry about. I understand that publishers are looking for certain things with certain of their imprints, that they're business critters trying to make money, they need to sell what sells, etc etc etc. But, frankly, literature is art. No one is going to tell a painter that his canvas is too large or too small, they're only going to comment on whether or not s/he's painted a compelling painting. A writer should, likewise, be judged by the impact of the final product. Not by how thick its spine is.

If no one ever published novellas or short novels where would we get our OF MICE AND MEN (around 25K), OLD MAN AND THE SEA (26,500) ANIMAL FARM (30K), HEART OF DARKNESS (37,500) or WIDE SARGASSO SEA (43K)? The last two, by the way, are generally considered novels. Where would modern culture be with the influence of BREAKFAST AT TIFFANY'S or A CHRISTMAS CAROL? SHOPGIRL debuted at number 4 on the NYT bestseller list and stayed on the list for 15 weeks.

A good book is a good book. It tells the story it sets out to tell and does so in a way that leaves us a little changed for having read it. How many words it takes to tell the story--just like how much canvas it takes to paint a painting--depends on the subject matter and the way the matter is delivered, the deftness of the artist.

In summation, as our Agential Overlord is wont to say, "If it works, it works."

~Serzen

Hi Serzen,

The basic problem with a low wordcount is not agent/editor bias, but that the bias is simply an accurate reflection of the public's buying tendencies. People do not want to pay full price for a very short book, particularly from a debut writer they've never heard of. And so it's always going to be a harder sell.

You have a lot of great examples of novella-ish novels that have done well. But I notice they're written by Steinbeck, Hemingway, Orwell, Conrad, Rhys and Dickens. These are some of the biggest names in literature, and all of them (with the possible exception of Rhys?) were already well established as literary greats. If you have a following, that following will buy your work, regardless of size, if they're devoted enough. Stephen King could put out a 60 page book or a 2000 page book because people will buy it. If Joe Smith does, probably not. And I'd also note that all of these were published a long time ago in a very different market. For good or ill, the market has changed. We have to deal with the current one. Your one exception to the Old Literary Giant theme was Shopgirl, but that was written by Steve Martin, a celebrity, who can sell books on his name alone.

Now... should things be this way? Probably not. I agree with your basic premise that art shouldn't be bound by such outward restrictions, but it's hard to live inside such an ideal. I guess I have two things to say about the length and the pressure to fit in the proper range. One, sometimes such outward pressure is good. Now, you don't want to change something with no other purpose or end result than to make it longer (or shorter)... but I've often found that such pressure pushes the writer creatively. Necessity is the mother of invention. That spur for change can be productive. I'd say think on it. See if you can re-envision the novel. It's possible that you might find a way to grow the novel in a way that increases not only the wordcount but the scope and depth of the story. Sometimes we close ourselves off to possibility. Satisfaction can do that. We think, hey, the book's good. Maybe damn good. But can it still be better? That possibility might be out there, and the spur to increase the story may be just the prod that's needed.

And the second thing I wanted to say is that growing the story may just not be the right thing to do. If you give an honest attempt and simply can't find a way that won't mar your intentions... you're probably right in holding firm. I think that first possibility needs serious investigation... but growth might not be possible. In that case, hold to the wordcount. And I'd suggest looking at small publishers. There are small literary publishers that are a little more willing to take those risks, to make decisions based more on art than market share. They're goal is often finding niches rather than mass appeal, and if your book is more a niche book that might be the way to go. When I read your comments I thought of a good book I'd read recently, a short little literary novel by Delia Falconer called The Lost Thoughts of Soldiers. I'm guessing it was somewhere in your 40K range, and it was published by Soft Skull Press, a successful small publisher with some fine books on their list. This is the sort of place that thrives on the margins, looking for the seams and openings between the lists of the New York Publishers. There are audiences probing those seams, too, looking for books they can't find elsewhere. Maybe your path to success lies there.

Hope you don't mind my ramblings. Best of luck.

Ink

[Serzen]

Salut again. Maybe I can pull off chronological order this time.

henyad--thanks for chiming in. I'm wrestling with a couple of different things as I approach this query and I do like all the feedback I can get. I'm working on things. I'm also stuck trying to figure out how much to reveal. I know that one shouldn't pull one's punches, but without the mystery why should one read further? Therein lies my dilemma.

Ghost, and also Ink--If my rant felt too much like a defense it's probably because family issues have got me feeling entirely too defensive these days. My point was that it's not the place of an individual, particularly one who hasn't read the work in question to say that something is or is not a novel. A novel is, by definition, a long narrative in literary prose. Moreover, a novel must have a fictional narrative, distinct literary prose, be issued on paper and in print (so much for ebooks!), create intimate intricacy, and contain an epic depiction of life. Infamously the 2007 Booker award went to a short novel (ON CHESIL BEACH) and Snoopy's novel IT WAS A DARK AND STORMY NIGHT is only 214 words.

I get that it's the market that determines what will sell, and that agents, editors and publishers are only trying to feed the market. They all want to make a living (or increase shareholder value). I get, as well, that the market is different now from the times most of the work I named were published. But it doesn't mean that the art is. Paint on canvas was good enough for Leonardo and it was good enough for Warhol. It's probably the anarchist in me, but I really hate that while we can sit here and claim that it's the faceless "market" that drives things it's, actually, PR departments and media telling us that this is what we should read. It disgusts and appalls me. It might be one of the reasons that I wrote BROKEN MIRROR the way that I did; in fact, I fully intended to offer something uncommon and difficult.

That said, I have given Ghost's notion of measured expansion due consideration. I'm currently close to 1,000 words into an experiment in that direction. It might work or might not. I'll run it by some people. If, however, I get to the end of this and feel that it does violate the integrity of the book that I started off writing, I'm fully prepared to look at small presses. I currently have my eye on a particular Canadian one, but thanks for the heads up on Soft Skull.

I'm grateful for the feedback. And, to keep this on topic, I'm still fooling around with ideas about how to pad the query out that I hope will bear fruit. But, well, life sucks and it's really dragging me down with it. Here's to things looking up.

~Serzen

[Bryan Russell/Ink]

Lol on Snoopy (who happens to be my hero). And I think McEwan could sell his used kleenex if he wrote on them. Newbie like me... maybe not.

As for marketing departments... I sort of agree. I think it's a bit of a downward spiral. Customer choices influence marketing, marketing then further influences choices, choices then further influence marketing, yada yada yada. But there are still people out there who want challenging fiction, and will look for it (though I don't think that audience was ever particularly large - and even less so for books that don't make it on the ol' college syllabus). I'm looking forward to snagging Litlle's The Kindly Ones soon, and it's not because it's going to be an easy read. :)

Luck with your expansionist experiments, and with finding the right home for your book in the end.

Ink