Science Fiction Query

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Erica75
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Re: Science Fiction Query

Post by Erica75 » March 6th, 2010, 7:21 pm

Cole - I need to start with the disclaimer that if I knew how to use the quote button properly, I would. However, no such luck, so my comments are here, sorry! Also, I get the feeling you have worked on this a lot and it basically says what you want it to say - it is SO important for your query to read in the same voice as your book. I do, however, have a few housekeeping tips for you.

I wouldn't start with a sentence fragment, even if it is meant for impact. How about an emdash (I probably love them too much)? Humanity Will Fall - so reads a propoganda slogan plastered all over the city of Necro. A slogan that Dom Craddock, werewolf resistance fighter (should that be capitalized?), is sick of seeing (note second comma). (Others will argue against using the word 'that.' I would add it.)

Earth has been cast... (caste is a social distinction, cast means to be thrown, flung, etc. - take off the e) Now, here, I would suggest reading it again and making sure it says what you want it to. "Earth has been cast into constant darkness" is a pretty literal sentence, but nothing commonly known about werewolves and vampires suggests that they actually can cast the world into darkness. Unless something has actually made the sun fade, which makes the book a lot scarier and should be pointed out!

Also, above, you represent Dom as a "werewolf resistance fighter" but later indicate the enemy is a vampire regime. This needs clarification or changing.

How about a little more action? "Dom and his team, despite losing a war that's spanned over 600 years, finally find hope while on an otherwise routine mission. What they found might not only help them win the war against the werewolves (vampires?), but just might save all of humanity. Even saving Earth itself seems within their grasp, but first Dom must fight his inner demons - the same ones that doomed the planet in the first place."

Okay, darn, I changed it anyway. Use what you can, drop what you can't.

Next paragraph - Make the first sentence "I am seeking representation for HOUNDS OF HEAVEN, a 75,000 word complete science fiction novel." Also, watch the passive voice when you write. Change to "Set on 28th-century dystopian Earth, which now exudes both the luxuries..." It doesn't have to be this, but don't use passive voice or the word future (we know the 28th century is in the future). I'd take out everything after the name Richard K. Morgan. The agent will already know the rest. Plus, this will free up words in the query to add a sentence to the top paragraph to get us more involved with Dom's character (Right now we think he's sick of the world and filled with demons who are destroying everything. Does he have any redeeming qualities?)

Last paragraph - is the comma after law enforcement right? My high school english says no, but since it's been so many years, I sometimes get commas wrong. Who knew they'd change the rules in the new millennium? Take out the passive Being and change to "As an Army veteran and federal police officer, I am able to incorporate my training into my characters, which gives them authenticity."

Also, others hate it when you put the possibility of a sequel in your query. I like it here since you're indicating it's an outline. Take out your last sentence - every agent will know you'll send them the ms upon request.

This got a little long - hope you can use some of it. Good luck - I don't read a lot of adult sci fi, but this caught my eye right away.
we blog - erica and christy - http://lynneawest.blogspot.com/

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christi
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Re: Science Fiction Query

Post by christi » March 7th, 2010, 1:32 pm

drewes202 wrote:I really appreciate the feedback, and I've applied what you said to my letter because I feel like it did help. What do you think?

Dear XXXXXXX,

I am seeking representation for my first novel, Hounds of Heaven a 75,000 word science fiction novel. (move this to the bottom as your wrap up. I crossed out the beginning because you're querying and it's a given you're seeking representation. Another agent, Janet Reid, runs Query Shark and she often states to leave that out. It's a waste of valuable words.)

Humanity Will Fall-a propaganda slogan plastered around the city of Necro. A slogan which Dom Craddock, a werewolf resistance fighter(,) is sick of seeing. Humans are on the verge of extinction, and Earth has been cast into constant darkness by technology meant to save humanity but instead doomed them to hell on (E)earth. (This sentence is too long. Maybe break it up a bit "extinction. Earth") (Also, is they SKY dark so they are in constant night? Just for variety's sake, maybe say something other than Hell on Earth since it's sort of cliche. Maybe 'nightmare world' or 'dystopian nightmare' which saves word use later when you use 'dystopia' in a later paragraph) The Tartarus Corporation(,) a vampire regime(,) has enslaved most of humanity using them as a constant supply of blood, entertainment, and labor force throughout the city. (redundant to 'enslaved' and not as vital as you might think in a query) Humans and werewolves have formed a resistance against the vampire regime(maybe just say 'vampires' here since you used 'regime' earlier and we know of it), and a constant war has been going on since the 22nd century (At this point, we don't know how long that's been since 28th century is mentioned later. Maybe combine the two thoughts. "In the 28th century, war has raged for 600 years. Dom and his team" despite losing a war that's spanned over 600 years,)finally find hope while on an otherwise routine mission. What they found might not only help them win the war against the vampires, but just might save all of humanity. Even saving Earth itself seems within their grasp, but first Dom must fight his inner demons - the same ones that took part in the genocide of mankind, and handing the planet over to the vampires.

Set in the 28th century where the world has become a dystopia, with the luxuries of advanced technology and the hardships of the Great Depression. With military science fiction mixed with paranormal mythology is set in a dystopian setting. Loaded with fast paced action and a hardboiled protagonist. Hounds of Heaven will appeal to science fiction fans. The paranormal mythology will also bring in fans of vampire and werewolf literature. (This whole paragraph needs to go. The Great Depression already happened, so it's not in your book. You also don't tell an agent about the market. A query is only for your book. It is your hook, your back of the book blurb to gain interest. 'Loaded with fast paced action" is 'telling' and not 'showing' which will turn off agents. Drop this whole thing, trust me.)

I have a background in law enforcement and the military. As an Army veteran, and a current federal police officer I am able to incorporate situations, and real life training into my characters which gives the story an authentic feel. The novel takes heavy influence from my time and training as a soldier. (I truly admire you for this part, but your 'bio' paragraph is one of those gray areas for including this kind of information. If you were writing a nonfiction memoir, it's important. If you're writing fiction, it's not. They care about publishing in this part.) Although Hounds of Heaven stands alone as a novel, I have outlines for a potential sequel as well.

Okay, I know that's a lot of ink but DON'T GET DISCOURAGED OR MAD AT ME. I'm trying to help. Your story sounds awesome and I want to help you find an agent. I'm going to piece together what I said into one coherent mass now. You can ignore it or take the advice. It won't hurt my feelings.

Dear XXXXXXX,


Humanity Will Fall-a propaganda slogan plastered around the city of Necro. A slogan which Dom Craddock, a werewolf resistance fighter, is sick of seeing.

Humans are on the verge of extinction in the 28th century. Technology meant to save them instead cast Earth into perpetual darkness. Now a dystopian nightmare where advanced technology clashes with unforgiving poverty, the vampire regime known as The Tartarus Corporation has enslaved most of humanity.

Werewolves and humans have formed a resistance against the vampires. Dom and his team, despite losing a war that's spanned over 600 years, finally find hope while on an otherwise routine mission. What they found might not only help them win the war against the vampires, but just might save all of humanity by saving Earth itself.

But first Dom must fight his inner demons - the ones that assisted in the genocide of mankind, and handed the planet over to the vampires.

I have a background in law enforcement and the military. As an Army veteran and a current federal police officer, I am able to incorporate situations and real life training into my characters which gives the story an authentic feel. The novel takes heavy influence from my time and training as a soldier.

HOUNDS OF HEAVEN, a 75,000 word science fiction novel, is my first novel. It stands alone as a single book, but has series potential. Thank you for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,

Your Next Client
Would you sign my story for a Klondike bar?

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GeeGee55
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Re: Science Fiction Query

Post by GeeGee55 » March 7th, 2010, 8:55 pm

Hi, Drewes:

Here are my suggestions/reactions as I read your query:
Humanity Will Fall. if you want to keep this structure, I think I would add the word is here and make it into a full sentence A propaganda slogan plastered around the city of Necro. A slogan Dom Craddock, werewolf resistance fighter(it's not clear to me what this means - is he a werewolf who is a resistance fighter or someone who fights werewolves) is sick of seeing. Humans are on the verge of extinction, and Earth has been caste into constant darkness. All of this courtesy of the vampire regime, the Tartarus Corporation. Dom and his recon team have been on the losing side of what has been a 600 year long war. What Dom encounters on a routine mission just might be the answer to winning the war, saving humanity, and getting the planet back to its former glory. To complete his mission, Dom must come to terms with his inner demons to fix the world he helped destroy, and save the species he doomed to extinction.(
I am seeking representation for my first novel, Hounds of Heaven a 75,000 word science fiction novel. ( How about - My novel, HOUNDS OF HEAVEN, is set in the 28th century in a world where the luxuries of advanced technology collide with the hardships of the Great Depression- to make the sentence more active)Set in the 28th century where the world has become a future dystopia, with the luxuries of advanced technology and the hardships of the Great Depression. With military science fiction mixed with paranormal mythology it will appeal to fans of Richard K. Morgan books with dystopian settings, fast paced action and a hardboiled protagonist. The paranormal mythology will also bring in fans of vampire and werewolf literature.

I have a background in law enforcement, and the military. Being an Army veteran, and a current federal police officer I am able to incorporate situations, and real life training into my characters which gives the story an authentic feel. ( Some people would say you shouldn't do this, but I'm not sure, it could be ok to mention your ability to make the work authentic. It needs to be tightened though to read more smoothly. How about I have a background in law enforcement and in the miltary. I don't know about mixing military science fiction with paranormal mythology, it gets unwieldy)The novel takes heavy influence from my time and training as a soldier. Although Hounds of Heaven stands alone as a novel, I have outlines for a potential sequel as well.

Thank you for taking the time to consider my work. I look forward to hearing from you.
Sincerely,
Cole Drewes

Now, opening with that slogan does capture the reader's attentionl. The title is good. The story sounds interestingLast edited by drewes202 on 07 Mar 2010, 06:19, edited 1 time in total. drewes202

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ahalaw
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Re: Science Fiction Query

Post by ahalaw » March 9th, 2010, 9:05 am

Cole,

When writing a query I always ask myself, "What's my story about?" While the propaganda poster teases the reader, it doesn't really capture the essence of your book. Try to condense your story into one sentence. I know that sounds next to impossible, especially given how complicated your world is (dystopian setting, werewolves, vampires), but part of the task of the query is to entice readers to continue reading because they already like the story. Your approach teases readers but doesn't offer a larger view of the story (basically what it's about) until much later, a tactic I'm afraid won't sustain an agent's attention.

Put bluntly: by the end of the first sentence, agents should know whether their interest has been piqued (by the storyline). One suggestion is to imagine you're speaking to an agent, giving him/her a pitch in person; you'd have to get to the point ASAP. There wouldn't be any time for flirting. Go for the jugular with the heart of your story.

As far as the law enforcement lines are concerned, I'm torn. Some agents like these bio lines (when they're relevant, and I think yours is, or at least as much as personal experience can be given your genre), others don't. Do some research on an agent and decide whether to include it on a case-by-case basis.

Good luck.

--Andre
Last edited by ahalaw on March 9th, 2010, 2:55 pm, edited 1 time in total.

A.M.Kuska
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Re: Science Fiction Query

Post by A.M.Kuska » March 9th, 2010, 9:49 am

Hello Cole,

I'm very impressed with how well you take criticism. I've read through this thread, and what I see are some fabulous critiques, and a writer handling those critiques with style. That doesn't happen often enough. I don't have much to offer you aside from what others have said, but I just wanted to let you know that I see obvious improvements in your rewrites. Keep working on it. You're not too far from a stand-out query.

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