Even Trees

Share your blood sweat tears query for feedback and lend your hard-won expertise to others
Post Reply
KappaP
Posts: 58
Joined: December 9th, 2009, 12:44 pm
Location: Macedonia
Contact:

Even Trees

Post by KappaP » December 14th, 2009, 6:07 am

Feedback very welcome.

The box was cramped, dark and six feet underground. A year after his murder, Finneas Lamontagne awakes in his coffin to a voice whispering through the dirt above him offering him a second chance at life. Ashamed at his boredom and depression in his former life in upscale Georgetown society, Finneas accepts the offer hoping to make more of his second life than he did the first.

In an ethereal, purgatorial forest of trees in even rows, Finneas meets his guide through the transition to life: a mischievous and flamboyant spirit by the name of Fagan. To reclaim life, Fagan explains, Finneas must complete three tasks in the real world. During these tasks, his death will be invisible to others and he will appear as one of them, human and whole, and their completion will result in a return to life and a chance to start over.

The payoffs? Physical life, a conscience and a soul. The tasks? To steal those things from others.

Finneas’s journey back to life relies on murder and treachery and with each passing task he reclaims bits of his lost humanity. As the tasks progress, Finneas is increasingly aware of his paradox-- becoming a monster in order to become human again—and he is caught between horror at his actions and the necessity of their completion.

EVEN TREES is a 90,000 word work of dark literary fiction exploring the nature and value of humanity.
www.patchesandsara.blogspot.com

Not a writing blog... at all.

User avatar
Hillsy
Posts: 303
Joined: December 9th, 2009, 4:33 am
Location: Gravesend, UK
Contact:

Re: Even Trees

Post by Hillsy » December 14th, 2009, 10:23 am

KappaP wrote:

The box was cramped, dark and six feet underground. A year after his murder, Finneas Lamontagne awakes in his coffin to a voice whispering through the dirt above him offering him a second chance at life. (Fine start. I, personally, might rearrange a few words for my own personal tastes, not sure if they'd improve it though) Ashamed at his boredom and depression in his former life (is the boredom and depression necessary? it's not mentioned later and it seems a bit of a...misleading detail. You think it's important, but it's not. Just "Ashamed as wasting his former life" would do and let the agent fill in how someone would do that. It doesn't seem like he was a 'bad' person, just idle.) in upscale Georgetown society, Finneas accepts the offer hoping to make more of his second life than he did the first. (Aside from the tweak a neat opening, catalogues everything you need to know, a bit of flair in there to boot. If I have one criticism its thatit lacks a bit of Fizz-Bang, but then again I'm not really a literary fiction affectionado.)

In an ethereal, purgatorial forest of trees in even rows, Finneas meets his guide through the transition to life: a mischievous and flamboyant spirit by the name of Fagan. To reclaim life, Fagan explains, Finneas must complete three tasks in the real world. During these tasks, his death will be invisible to others and he will appear as one of them, human and whole, and their completion will result in a return to life and a chance to start over. (I dunno but this just seems a bit over explanatory. the details here are that he gets three tasks to do and then become alive. Seems like a lot of words to say so and I'm a big fan of good language and taking the time to explain something fully....I jsut feel like this could be acheived shorter and sweeter.)

The payoffs? Physical life, a conscience and a soul. The tasks? To steal those things from others. (Again...good concept, clever and simple.)

Finneas’s journey back to life relies on murder and treachery and with each passing task he reclaims bits of his lost humanity. As the tasks progress, Finneas is increasingly aware of his paradox-- becoming a monster in order to become human again—and he is caught between horror at his actions and the necessity of their completion. (Hmmm. I mean it's fine, it really is. Sets out the stakes/dilema/morality of the whole thing. I dunno, it just seems to lack a little drama. When you say Finneas experiences horror you don't really feel it's mroe severe than spilling red wine on a white sheet. Perhaps if the first line was punchier, something like "In reclaiming his humanity, Finneas must commit treachery, even murder....." err...well not that....but do you see what I mean? It's like listening to Abba. I can appreciate the skill and art involve in writing the songs, but I don't want to get up and dance.)

EVEN TREES is a 90,000 word work of dark literary fiction exploring the nature and value of humanity.
I mean I'm not your target audience, so really you'd probably find a lot of interest from agents who have a vested inverest in literary fiction. I wish you good like cos I reckon, a few words here and there and this is ready to roll

jayinhouston
Posts: 9
Joined: December 10th, 2009, 6:09 pm
Contact:

Re: Even Trees

Post by jayinhouston » December 14th, 2009, 2:24 pm

great premise.
Last edited by jayinhouston on December 14th, 2009, 4:09 pm, edited 1 time in total.

User avatar
Ryan
Posts: 205
Joined: December 7th, 2009, 2:25 pm
Contact:

Re: Even Trees

Post by Ryan » December 14th, 2009, 3:18 pm

Made me want to read and pick up the book for sure.

Not sure if you need to say the voice came through the dirt from above as we know the man is 6 ft under. Also, I think it reads fine without the last sentence in the 2nd paragraph. I don't think we need to know how others will see him for now. I like the main character's problem.

Hmmmmmm? Would I kill and "become a monster" to regain life and time with those I love?

Nice

Ryan
My love of fly fishing and surfing connects me to rivers and the ocean. Time with water reminds me to pursue those silly little streams of thought that run rampant in my head.
http://www.withoutrain.com/

User avatar
shadow
Posts: 302
Joined: December 7th, 2009, 5:06 pm
Location: The moon
Contact:

Re: Even Trees

Post by shadow » December 14th, 2009, 4:24 pm

no comments for me! I like it! It makes me want to read your novel :) Good luck I hope you get published!
All things writing, visit my blog http://arielemerald.blogspot.com/

ImageImageImageImage

c.ska
Posts: 25
Joined: December 7th, 2009, 6:22 pm
Location: UK
Contact:

Re: Even Trees

Post by c.ska » December 14th, 2009, 4:48 pm

find my humble opinions below : )
KappaP wrote:Feedback very welcome.

The box was cramped, dark and six feet underground. (love the first sentence) A year after his murder, Finneas Lamontagne (fabulous name...) awakes in his coffin to a voice whispering through the dirt above him offering him a second chance at life. Ashamed at his boredom and depression (not sure about this. why ashamed, bored, depressed. give me the conflict?) in his former life in upscale Georgetown society, Finneas accepts the offer hoping to make more of his second life than he did the first. (solid first paragraph)

In an ethereal, purgatorial forest of trees in even rows, Finneas meets his guide through the transition to life: a mischievous and flamboyant spirit by the name of Fagan. (vivid, adds voice) To reclaim life, Fagan explains, Finneas must complete three tasks in the real world. During these tasks, his death will be invisible to others and he will appear as one of them, human and whole, and their completion will result in a return to life and a chance to start over.

The payoffs? Physical life, a conscience and a soul. The tasks? To steal those things from others. (perfectly clear, great)

Finneas’s journey back to life relies on murder and treachery and with each passing task he reclaims bits of his lost humanity. As the tasks progress, Finneas is increasingly aware of his paradox-- becoming a monster in order to become human again—and he is caught between horror at his actions and the necessity of their completion. (interesting premise, I do really like it, if a tad too dark for my taste buds ; )

EVEN TREES is a 90,000 word work of dark literary fiction exploring the nature and value of humanity. (love the final line. it perfectly sums up what I hoped this book would be about. I like this query A LOT)
while dark literary fiction is not my staple, the potential of EVEN TREES shines through. the query is well written and to the point. I might have wanted a bit more about the 'emotional conflict', as pointed out in the first paragraph.

thanks for sharing, I enjoyed reading it!

c.ska

Dakota388
Posts: 55
Joined: December 9th, 2009, 11:17 pm
Contact:

Re: Even Trees

Post by Dakota388 » December 14th, 2009, 5:01 pm

Very nice job. Tell me where to buy this because I'd read it. No specific comments about the query as I am an amatuer but I did like it. Good luck and keep us informed on your progress.
"The Light of Epertase"-A fantasy novel coming August 1st from Rhemalda Publishing

User avatar
Emily White
Posts: 77
Joined: December 8th, 2009, 2:25 pm
Location: Lockport, NY
Contact:

Re: Even Trees

Post by Emily White » December 14th, 2009, 5:01 pm

KappaP wrote:Feedback very welcome.

The box was cramped, dark and six feet underground. Hmmm...interesting. A year after his murder, Finneas Lamontagne awakes in his coffin to a voice whispering through the dirt above him offering him a second chance at life. Ashamed at his boredom and depression in his former life in upscale Georgetown society, Finneas accepts the offer hoping to make more of his second life than he did the first.

In an ethereal, purgatorial forest of trees in even rows, Finneas meets his guide through the transition to life: a mischievous and flamboyant spirit by the name of Fagan. To reclaim life, Fagan explains, Finneas must complete three tasks in the real world. During these tasks, his death will be invisible to others I don't know if you need that part of this sentence. It was rather confusing and caused a reread. Plus, you get your point across with what you write after it and he will appear as one of them, human and whole, and their completion will result in a return to life and a chance to start over.

The payoffs? Physical life, a conscience and a soul. The tasks? To steal those things from others. Good! Very intriguing!

Finneas’s journey back to life relies on murder and treachery This takes away from your previous line and it's rather redundant. I'd start this paragraph with "with each passing task..." and with each passing task he reclaims bits of his lost humanity. As the tasks progress, Finneas is increasingly aware of his paradox-- becoming a monster in order to become human again—and he is caught between horror at his actions and the necessity of their completion.

EVEN TREES is a 90,000 word work of dark literary fiction exploring the nature and value of humanity.
I thought your query was pretty good and your book sounds very intriguing! Good luck with it!
Find out about ELEMENTAL, my YA Space Opera (available June 21, 2011) on my blog and ELEMENTAL's facebook fan page

KappaP
Posts: 58
Joined: December 9th, 2009, 12:44 pm
Location: Macedonia
Contact:

Re: Even Trees

Post by KappaP » December 15th, 2009, 9:34 am

Thanks for the feedback, all very useful. This guy is currently in short story form and is becoming novelized now, so I'll be back for more feedback as the manuscript progresses. Just wanted to make sure the idea made sense and was intriguing since God knows if I ever make any sense to anyone besides myself. Thanks a bunch!

I do need query help on my ms that is completed for another book, will probably post that later today.
www.patchesandsara.blogspot.com

Not a writing blog... at all.

Post Reply

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 6 guests