Nathan Bransford - The Forums

So I've just noticed your revised query, and, congratulations, it's a big improvement. (I do still have an issue with "ripe words" but perhaps that means something to people in Afghanistan?) However, I disagree with one part of the Kristie's comment. An agent wants to know if you are in a ...

So I was just making my signature line, so I probably just have Harry Potter on the brain, but since the Harry Potter books are probably the most beloved books of present times, I think they're a nature fit for this topic. "After all this time?" [asked Dumbledore] "Always," said ...

Dear Ms. agent, When guns speak, morality is silent. This line feels sort of out of nowhere. We don't yet have any feel for what your book is about. Taj is a cruel mercenary who believes that war is a way of life, and Arsh is another who is low on cruelty and other skills a mercenary need. Another ...

First of all, let me say your revised query is definitely an improvement. However, these two sentences still felt awkward to me: "Vulnerability, a feeling Gina's not familiar with quickly turns to anger." "She hopes that with the experience of a seasoned agent, and the caution of a wo...

Ordinary thirteen-year-old Eric Ortega wakes up surrounded by hospital equipment and covered with a flowered quilt. Before he can figure out what’s going on, a centaur clip-clops in and introduces himself as Eric’s healer. Next, his sister is telling him that he’s been sick, and she married a guy wi...

I thought it was a pretty good query, but here are the things that struck me about it: I completely agree that this could stand to be pared down more. Also, using phrases like "self-realization" and "dark foreboding" sound a bit melodramatic. Make the actions and story dramatic, ...

I think you wrote a pretty compelling query letter. Here were a few of my issues with it: -How and why are Lily and Jan working together? I understand they're after the same person, but that doesn't mean they'd be working together. How do they even know each other? -What happened to Lily being dead?...

Ah, I now see from the first query that they are American tourists. (I was primarily focusing in on the second query letter in my critique b/c it was better)
You should definitely include that info in your second query.

Just a little note. I agree that saying you're looking for an agent and/or publisher is redundant, based upon the fact that you're querying, but I have actually seen a few agents who say they want to know if you're making multiple submissions. Check the agents' guidelines! I would guess that if they...

You need to say what your book title, genre, and word count are. I think they'd help all of us out too (especially the genre). Here are a few things that I wondered when reading this query: -What makes her eyes "weird"? Is this something special about her and is it relevant to the plot or ...

I got a bit confused while reading this. I think your query letter would be really improved if you introduced who Neeku a bit more clearly first. Hmm, now I'm writing this, I see you posted a revised query letter later. I have to say, it's a big improvement. It's shorter and introduces who Neeku is ...