Search found 106 matches
- February 8th, 2010, 5:13 pm
- Forum: Queries
- Topic: Query - The Butterfly Key- revision now on page 6
- Replies: 56
- Views: 16750
Re: Query - The Butterfly Key- revision now on page 5
Hi Tycoon, Okay, if you won’t stop, then neither will I. I tweak from the goodness of my heart, really. Okay, stop laughing. Dear Agent, Shortly after Christian Bryson promises to fulfill his wife’s dream of starting a family, his Army Reserve unit deploys for war. While on duty, Christian sustains...
- February 8th, 2010, 5:05 pm
- Forum: Queries
- Topic: The Ghost Posts a Query - 4th try
- Replies: 26
- Views: 9532
Re: The Ghost Posts a Query - 4th try
Hi Tycoon, Excellent question! The answer is yes to both in a funny way. DeAngelis was the first person to be watched by the Guardian Project before he joined the FBI. But I don't think I'll put that little nugget in the query since backstory is discouraged. So I need to clarify it is the people wh...
- February 8th, 2010, 4:13 pm
- Forum: Queries
- Topic: Query Time Tourism again, just when you thought it was over
- Replies: 57
- Views: 17667
Re: Query Time Tourism again, just when you thought it was over
[quote="christi"]Thanks so much, Ghost! You were such a help. Now, here's the whole thing together with some new edits. How does this read? And I have no idea how to pluralize his name. Trapped in a time loop, many versions of Jakorus have tried to alter the outcome of events, but they onl...
- February 8th, 2010, 3:07 pm
- Forum: Queries
- Topic: The Ghost Posts a Query - 4th try
- Replies: 26
- Views: 9532
Re: The Ghost Posts a Query - 4th try
I really like this query alot... only 1 thing confuses me and I hope to show you what I mean. This line... Jodie’s surveillance falls under the jurisdiction of DeAngelis’s Guardian Project— a FBI subdivision secretly monitoring people with the uncanny ability to prevent disasters. is confusing so le...
- February 8th, 2010, 2:49 pm
- Forum: Queries
- Topic: Query - The Butterfly Key- revision now on page 6
- Replies: 56
- Views: 16750
Re: Query - The Butterfly Key- revision now on page 5
FUN FUN FUN, here is another version. Dear Agent, Shortly after Christian Bryson promises to fulfill his wife’s dream of starting a family, his Army Reserve unit deploys for war. While on duty, Christian sustains a wound in battle which renders him incapable of fathering children. Devastated, Chris...
- February 7th, 2010, 9:53 am
- Forum: Queries
- Topic: Query - The Butterfly Key- revision now on page 6
- Replies: 56
- Views: 16750
Re: Query - The Butterfly Key- revision now on page 4
I think this has reached final draft at last! Isn't writing queries fun? Maybe if it's a best seller you'll never have to write another one. Or at least find an agent and never have to write another one That's my hope. I never want to go through this again. Good luck with your story! I made it a ra...
- February 7th, 2010, 8:34 am
- Forum: Queries
- Topic: Query - The Butterfly Key- revision now on page 6
- Replies: 56
- Views: 16750
Re: Query - The Butterfly Key- revision now on page 4
This is very good. Nice story and choice of words. I really like the message of " God has a purpose in everything He does ". I think that it's very neat. Just the first paragraph alone pulls you into the story, and you feel the emotions of the characters (Abigail eager to start a family, ...
- February 7th, 2010, 8:31 am
- Forum: Queries
- Topic: Query - The Butterfly Key- revision now on page 6
- Replies: 56
- Views: 16750
Re: Query - The Butterfly Key- revision now on page 4
Thanks and I did as you suggested!TheShadow wrote:Looks good, don't think there is anything major to add to it.
Something minor: "Christian realizes he needs to go home and apologize for being unfair to Abigail." Can cross out for being unfair and it would flow better. Just a thought.
- February 6th, 2010, 3:35 pm
- Forum: Queries
- Topic: Query - The Butterfly Key- revision now on page 6
- Replies: 56
- Views: 16750
Re: Query - The Butterfly Key- revision now on page 4
After sleeping on it I went back through everyones comments from this board, along with another board. Trying to apply what I have learned for what works and what doesn't. Here is what I came up with. Dear Agent, Shortly after Christian Bryson promises to fulfill his wife’s dream of starting a famil...
- February 5th, 2010, 9:31 pm
- Forum: Queries
- Topic: Query - The Butterfly Key- revision now on page 6
- Replies: 56
- Views: 16750
Re: Query - The Butterfly Key- Final revision now on page 4
Yea-- I think your correct ghost.... I am playing around with what lots of people have suggested...seeing what works and what doesn't... The best way to learn is by trial and error.
- February 5th, 2010, 7:02 pm
- Forum: Queries
- Topic: Query - The Butterfly Key- revision now on page 6
- Replies: 56
- Views: 16750
Re: Query - The Butterfly Key- Final revision(I pray) ON PAGE 3
Okay more edits made to tighten... thx for the comments everyone. Dear Agent, Shortly after Christian Bryson promises to fulfill his wife’s dream of starting a family, he learns his Army Reserve unit is deploying for war. But when he later sustains a wound in battle that renders him incapable of fa...
- February 5th, 2010, 1:11 pm
- Forum: Queries
- Topic: Query - The Butterfly Key- revision now on page 6
- Replies: 56
- Views: 16750
Re: Query -- The Butterfly Key -- Complete revision ON PAGE 2
Very well done. I have only a few small things to point out, otherwise I think its very good. I'm hoping to tighten the screws even more on my query, I present to you what I hope is my final version. So if you all give me your 2 cents worth, Ill make sure to give you change in return!!! Thank you a...
- February 5th, 2010, 11:27 am
- Forum: Queries
- Topic: Query Time Tourism again, just when you thought it was over
- Replies: 57
- Views: 17667
Re: Okay...I Think I'm Done
Dear Great and Noble Agent of Oz, Hurled into the future twenty years, young Jakorus is confronted with a horrifying truth: his world has changed, and it’s (all) his fault. The island of Cybraxas teeters at on the brink of civil war. Mythical creatures have secretly co-existed with humans for centu...
- February 5th, 2010, 10:19 am
- Forum: Queries
- Topic: Query - The Butterfly Key- revision now on page 6
- Replies: 56
- Views: 16750
Re: Query -- The Butterfly Key -- Complete revision ON PAGE 2
I'm hoping to tighten the screws even more on my query, I present to you what I hope is my final version. So if you all give me your 2 cents worth, Ill make sure to give you change in return!!! Thank you all for your help, patience and wisdom! scroll further down for re-edit Dear Agent, Shortly aft...
- February 5th, 2010, 1:07 am
- Forum: Queries
- Topic: Query - The Butterfly Key- revision now on page 6
- Replies: 56
- Views: 16750
Re: Query -- The Butterfly Key -- Complete revision ON PAGE 2
Just wanted to agree with Ghost and Seadhlinn's critiques. As for your question about "is deployed," I think either way is fine. But keep playing with it. Try to get that "is" out of there. Maybe "gets deployed." Do whatever you would have done in the novel, since your...