Nathan Bransford - The Forums

Go with the second, it has good voice. I am assuming the voice of the second is more in line with the voice in the manuscript. At just under 230 words, you've got a good description of the story, the setting and characters. JQ I really dislike it when people rewrite entire queries. It destroys the a...

I got a little worried when this wasn't your blog post on Monday. My Hogs are getting a new coach, so hopefully, next year I can pick them to win a few games. My bracket is almost done, but....Can Kentucky beat Ohio State? What about NDame over Kansas? Duke should get past Texas and UConn. And Pitt ...

Nice job.
JQ

I like the changes you made. But, I'm sorry to say it brings up more questions. Here are some thoughts. ~ "hopeless romantic": but nothing in the query really mentions a love story. And how old is she? she has job with a tough sounding name, can she handle that if she's still a girl? ~ he...

GREAT JOB on the rewrite . You can tighten it up a bit JQ The last time Teri Monohans personal life got complicated she was thrown out of the Secret Departments. Being a spy is the biggest part of her life but after things got nasty with her now ex-fiancé, she was forced to walk away. But now a man...

When gun toting maniacs barge into sixteen year old Lillim Callina’s home and reveal an exciting opportunity to join an ancient, unstoppable dragon before it takes over the world, it means only one thing: She needs better locks. Then they went and lit her place on fire because that’s totally necess...

I'm stuck trying to figure out if the book is about the battles he fought or his decision to step down.
JQ

I like the second version like everyone else.
And I agree with most of the other comments.
So, I'll leave it at that.
JQ

When hopeless romantic Sophie Rowan finds the new boy at school off the trails of Ellery Wildlife Preserve, she figures he’s just one more visitor who broke the rules. (I don't think this part of the line helps the query/story.cut it.) It doesn’t matter that his ankle is broken, or that he acts as ...

Teri Monohan is a 24 year old secret agent, who must face up to her demons (cliche) after three months of exile from the British governments Secret Departments. A man is coming from another time causing problems, everyone else has tried and failed to stop him; now Teri must step up. (This all tell ...

bkloss, You asked me, so here it is. In the earlier query tries, I think some of the vague-ness came from too many details with out much substance, clarification, or connection. Quill's critique of the first query was right on. I see lots that can be improved, but you have a solid start. I usually ...

Nice strong start for a query. I think you can tighten it up a bit. And as much as I can appreciate bkloss' desire for more details, this is query not a synopsis. You have the basic plot, character, motive, choice. Good job. JQ Dani Strider’s deepest wish is to belong, but the blood in her veins wo...

Last Line Help. Thanks to everyone who helped me with the query, this time and previous times. I'm pleased with how it has turned out. Just one more thing. A few people aren't happy with the last line. I'd love some feedback specifically on that. Query... In a 1880s coal mining town in the heart of...

GaoYuQing You have an interesting story here. Good descriptions and details. I tried to go through and make suggestions, but I realized I was just cutting. I think that's the big issue here. So, my thought. Cut 1/3 of the query. And that should be easy because...you repeat info in each paragraph. Cu...

Please consider for representation my science fiction novel, OF SHADOWS AND ANGELS, where Layne, a military trainee, is framed as a traitor and must find proof of his innocence deep within enemy territory. (Still think this needs to be delete, and reuse the title, genre, word count in a closing sen...