Nathan Bransford - The Forums

Much better. My only issue is this line. When she stumbles into a plot to awaken an ancient dragon, Lillim must find a way to stop an evil drake from awakening before... You use awaken twice. And is the drake the dragon? (Not sure what a drake is?) It seems the two phrases are redundant, or am I mis...

A love triangle is not supposed to have life or death consequences, but 16-year-old Avery Hunter is about to discover that the stakes are higher when you’re the missing heir to the most powerful family in the world. (I'd take it out.) Just as Avery discovers her real place in the Elite, to fulfill ...

I read both of your queries. I think you went from to much info to not enough. You don't mention the baby again, so maybe not mention it all or you'll have to tell more. Dragons, werewolves, vampires, demons: you got it all. You just need to figure out what you can tell in a simple way, yet keep the...

This reads more like a synopsis.
It's too long with too many details.
I can't tell if this is mostly backstory or the actual plot of the book.

I recommend taking a look at Nathan's posts on writing a query.
JQ

REVISION 1 "People's memories are short. And life is so damn long." (Some agents don't like quotes in queries.) Fifty years ago Ángel Valdés co-led the revolution that made him president of the Caribbean island of Zamora. Now he wants only to die in peace, leaving a stable country to his ...

This reads more like a log line and a synopsis.
I recommend taking a look at Nathan's posts on writing a query.
JQ

I think the story is working, but this needs to be cleaned up. I'm not going to mark a lot now, just these two points. There are a lot of cliches in here. I think an agent will read this and think the manuscript will be full of cliches. Time to get creative and rewrite. And several echo words in the...

There are some good critiques in here so I won't add, unless you do another revision. But I do have one question. What's at stake for the Nephilim? Did I miss it? "Meanwhile, his Nephilim comrades must decide, once and for all, whether they will fight on the side of the humans...or the angels.&...

I'd like to see second version before do a line-by-line review. As far as this query goes, I didn't get the humor. If you say it's a humorous story, that really needs to come out in the query. Because if the agent doesn't at least smile or giggle he/she probably won't bite. I think there's too much ...

Mark17, The good. You have a voice that comes out in the query. The idea and main character are awesome. The bad. Like the others, I don't see the conflict. Is it more of an internal conflict for the ferryman or is there something external going on? Is there a bad guy? A dark moment? A major plot qu...

There are so many...

I think Jimmy Buffet and Robert Earl Keen, Jr do it best, or maybe they just have more than other singer/song writers.

JQ

Just a few things, and it is better than the other tries. Nice work. JQ I’ve come across your name since you represent “XXX” by YYYY. I researched your profile on WWWW and I believe this book might be of your interest. Jade should (Should is passive, how about "wants to", "needs to&q...

I really like this. I think your first paragraph is your weakest. Not sure how to do a date line here. I think what you have here works. But the second sentence... London, 1882. Kidnapped as a child, Emil Aleric and his mother survived. (the first query doesn't say anything about the entire family ...

Here's the 2nd try. - - - - Email Subject Line: Query, historical dark fantasy Dear Agent XXXXX Jonathan Blair fell from the pulpit to a life of crime. Arrested and convicted for murder, Blair trades his death sentence for a job as a bounty hunter to bring in—dead or alive—the members of his former...

- Here are some thoughts... “You know you’ve been on the streets too long when the sound of an old man urinating in an alley sounds like falling rain,” Mathias thought . . . ( I don't think agents like qoutes from the story... though this is a great image.) Mathias never thought that he would live a...