Nathan Bransford - The Forums

When the Department of Defense told geneticist Janelle Gray to fix its controversial cross-mutation experiment, she never expected her technology to work, but it did—on her. A panther-human hybrid, she’s the Humani Project’s crowning achievement—the first success that retained the ability to speak h...

He got there by accident, (I´d cut this first line) and his only hope of return is iffy at best. His traveling companions are a grouchy prairie dog with claustrophobia, an inept stage magician desperate to get his hands on real magic, and the daughter of Macrru’s high wizard. On the rest: Fantastic....

Thanks for the great advice moose, already changed my word doc!

Thanks for helping me with this query!

Thanks for the advice aswiebe, will definetly cut the ezine part!

I´ve written a new version of the query. Though it doesn´t meet 100% of the points you raised, I believe it covers most of them!

Cheers and thanks for stopping by to help me with this!

Sir Hugo Cornelius Crumpet, the multi-millionaire owner of the world's largest toothpick manufacturing company, Crumpet Toothpicks Cut the name of company , has passed away. Sir Hugo’s offspring have assembled at Crumpet Towers, believing his estate will be divided equally amongst them. But much to ...

Valinda's only memories are of life as a vicesteed, living in a re-creation of crime-ridden Old Earth while her experiences are broadcast to an audience unknown to her. Holly crap! Although interesting I find it a tad confusing. Maybe you could say "She lives in a re-creation of Old Earth...&qu...

Actually yes (Avatar was released on the third year after I had finished the first drafts. Yes, I´ve been working on this book for a long time lol), but the book is written on contemporary days. Also, there are all normal nations as we know them (Germany, USA, Brasil...), plus the elemental nations ...

Marvin is a klutzy twelve-year-old who’s constantly harassed by the school bully and his gang. He is on the run from them one day I´d start a tad differently:One day he´s one the run from them when he dives into a hole and pops out in a strange and magical land. The hole closes behind him, leaving n...

Those are great advices sirfrodo!
Will chew the cud on the suggestions, thanks!

Hi everyone! When you finish commenting, could you let me know the title of your query so I can critique it too? It´s all about sharing the luff folks! Now, this is the fourth improved version, so you dont need to look at the others, I´m leaving them below so I can track my queryvolution! Cheers! **...

Lorna McCloud likes to think she's an assassin for the money and because she's good at it. But the real reason, because she was traumatized after witnessing her father's murder, is one she longs to keep buried. I´d rephrase this. Maybe: But the real reason is because she was....." A fresh lead ...

Ok, I´m usually a very critical person, but your query hooked me. A lot. It smells like fantasy, it speaks like fantasy, and, it feels like an interesting fantasy.
So, I´m sorry I can´t be more insightful. But on the other hand, way to go!

Please consider representing my novel Darkness Becomes Her. No,no,no. I´d start with the paragraph below. Darkness Becomes Her is a paranormal thriller of 105,000 words. I´ve seen countless tips that say this info should go on the end of the query. It tells the story of Dane Westwood, a spiritual wa...

In a world where some people can control the four elements, Jade Kadeem witness normal humans brutally murder her father. As a result, she creates a monstrous hurricane; something not every tamer can do. Especially a child. Seven years later, an Oracle predicts her Godlike powers will destroy her ho...