Nathan Bransford - The Forums

Four things come to mind when eighteen-year-old Sophie Rowan thinks about the Kedoas. First, her life would be a lot simpler if she hadn’t found Hugh Kedoa, the new boy at school, with a broken ankle in Ellery Wildlife Preserve. Then she wouldn’t have learned that he’s a reddo: a human who possesses...

Belén never believed in ghosts. Until she meets Ale, I think combining this would give a better effect. the restless spirit of a teenage girl who says that her you could change this to "Belén" to clear up any confusion that might arise. old neighbor and family friend, Señor Rossi, is a wa...

Claws bathed in rotting flesh; lips dripping honeysuckle. Heiren Delaire feared bears more than plagues, boils, and flames lashing at her skin. This doesn't grab me, and the way you start is a little confusing. I think starting with a straightforward: "Heiren Delaire fears bears more than plag...

Rell isn't sorry that magic died at the end of the Great Mage War. All that remains are the violent, semi-sentient mage storms like the one that killed his grandfather. His father may think that the world is poorer without magic, but Rell knows his family would be better off if their orchard hadn't ...

Thanks Meredith! I left the stuff about infinite knowledge, because that's a major problem in the story: reddos do know everything, but Hugh still couldn't answer Sophie's question.

Since you said you were worried about losing the voice, I just went straight to the revised beginning and read to see if I liked the voice there. Otherwise, I'd have the other voice stuck in my head the whole time. The sound of the shutter’s Is there really only one shutter? If not, the apostrophe i...

Thanks SariBelle! That last paragraph is causing me lots of trouble, so I redid it here. Eighteen-year-old Sophie Rowan always hoped she had a true love. She just never expected to meet someone who could tell her straight-out if she had one. While working at Ellery Wildlife Preserve, Sophie finds H...

If an Ellerwoman makes a promise she has to follow through. For Adelaide Williams, promising the impossible has become a habit. Like Meredith said, I'm a little confused by this part. You say she has to follow through, but if she's promising the impossible, then obviously she hasn't followed throug...

Dade couldn't fix Summer. I like the next line as a beginning better. I don't think you need this. Ever since his best friend committed suicide, Dade's spent his life in an anti-social, self-destructive bubble. He's moved through life in an apathetic haze, using stolen cigarettes and a gameboy as h...

Rell How old is he? isn't sorry that magic died at the end of the Great Mage War. The only remnants that remain Redundant. are the violent, semi-sentient mage storms like the one that killed his grandfather. Those storms and the blackened stumps of the Blighted Forest, ruined in one of the battles,...

Dani Strider knows her mother’s death wasn’t natural. A shadow stole her life hours after Dani was born. I feel as though you could crunch these two sentences together, and find a way to phrase them to really jump out at me. But no one would believe that. Even Dani’s grandparents, the last of her f...

A) The Rainbow Nation B) A Rainbow Divided C) The Next Zimbabwe D) In the land of the blind… An official policy of racial segregation formerly practiced in the Republic of South Africa, involving political, legal and economic discrimination against nonwhites. I agree with sonyablue about how confusi...

Thanks guys! Aurlumen, I was thinking the same exact thing about the "tangent," but I've played around with the placement and this is really the best place I can put it. In the last draft it came first, and then Sophie found the footprints, so it fit in better, but you all seem to like sta...

Herbert Henkleman I would definitely include his age in here. At first I heard the name Herbert and thought "old man." Reading the rest of the query, he obviously isn't, but I'd make sure to put in his age. is probably the greatest scientist in the entire world, next to the guy who invente...

Rajan Singhal got the invitation to die two weeks before he started his junior year at Newbridge High. It came in the same bulky, mustard-colored envelope that report cards and event notices did, the type that smelled like it had been kept in the back of an attic for at least five years, which, in a...