Nathan Bransford - The Forums

In the aftermath of the horrific car accident that killed her sister and nearly took her life, Sasha Bennett roams the streets at night, unable to make herself seen or heard, wondering if she’s dreaming, sleepwalking, or possibly psychotic. -That's a long introductory clause to start a sentence wit...

Every twenty-three years, Anna Rodwen has to set out on a new search to find the man she loves -- and it's been that way for almost five centuries. -I don't like how that last clause is phrased. It's implies "it is". -Remove "almost" -"set out to" is not necessary. Eli...

Andere is in the middle of a steam-power revolution. They are on the verge of finalizing their first elected government, thanks to a decade of hard work from the Queen. They still rely on the Magi to perform many tasks, including police work, engineering, lighting the street lamps, etc.. Nicholas B...

First, props to you for reading Query Shark and doing the research. Soon to be sixteen-year-old Clara Moreno is intrigued by the antagonistic mumblings of her classmate Edwin against the current dictatorship of Augusto Pinochet, ‘Captain General, Savior of the Nation,’ according to most at her posh,...

Agent Fern has lost all control over his time-travel device. It’s bad enough that every civilization has countless conspiracy theories about the wondrous monuments his people have scattered throughout time, like those damn pyramids, but now he has to worry about jumping unexpectedly into the middle...

Here is my latest version, taking in all the feedback. I am also soon going to post a version that takes a different approach to the structure. Remy wakes up on a park bench with no memory and no identity. But he has some pills, some money, and a strange gun. When he picks up a book, visions flash t...

Wallflower, Because it's good for writers to be tough and have thick skin doesn't mean you should test the toughness of that skin. Tact goes a long way, particularly when it comes to critique. You can be blunt and honest without being harsh or insulting. You have some good points. And you're a writ...

I misread that last sentence. I thought it implied that your manuscript was incomplete. I apologize for that (although take it as a hint that other agents may make the same mistake). However, you should never mention any follow-up works you're working on. They don't care and it makes you sound prete...

For generations the Griffin Lords of Galenburg have guarded a secret. For generations they have dreaded the world discovering it. When unthinkable happens and their sinister patron reminds them of their debt, they are forced to turn to their one time street rat and now most disreputable of lieutena...

Brown haired Becky likes staying in bed until noon. Short but cute Carey likes cooking and long walks. Holly? Could this be the same Holly who told me she found someone? I exhale. The air grabs at my throat and my heart settles into an expanding void. It is her; she was just being nice. -I am not r...

Best trick I can suggest is something i picked up at a Screenwriting Seminar years ago. First, describe the story in one sentence. Then in three, then in nine. Be a little more specific and big up front, and then allude to outcomes in the plot towards the end. Remember your query is a first pitch o...

I am querying because of {REASON}. I think Black Hole Son would be a good match for your interests. Remy wakes up on a park bench. He has no memory and no idea who he is or how he got there, but he has some pills, some money, and a strange gun. When he picks up a book, unbidden visions flash through...

I am seeking representation for The Robertson Institute, a 95,000-word fantasy novel for young adults. I would start with something personal about the agent. It can even be as simple as "I am querying you because of your interest in science fiction" or "I read your blog". If you...

Here is a useful questionnaire to use when you're trying to construct the synopsis part of your query and you don't know where to start. http://edittorrent.blogspot.com/2009/04/log-line-pitches-or-how-to-tweet-your.html (Part 1) http://edittorrent.blogspot.com/2009/04/how-to-put-it-together-into-one...

Dolly Hill is the self-deluded matriarch of a disintegrating family. As a recent widow, she flounders to discover who she is without her husband, something she put off the fifty years they were married. Her grief threatens to destroy not only her, but her son and his wife who have taken her into th...