Nathan Bransford - The Forums

Hmm, Shadow, I'm not sure I like this new version better. I think if you could somehow combine some of the details of the last version with this one, it would be stronger. I will try to be more specific: Dear Agent, When Vitiosus is turned down What do you mean by turned down? Be more specific. by h...

He can help Evelyn by making up for his mistake, and by teaching her how to be a better person through what he's learned from Cherith, but he can't save Cherith if she's going to die. On the surface level there's really only one similarity: Adam wants a better world for both of them. Can you find a...

Would you read the pages along with this query? (1) YES

I'm no agent, but I want to read more. I would need to read the first five pages to answer the second question. Are you going to post them?

This is definately coming together. I have been following your progress, though not sure just how to comment yet, and now I really feel I'm beginning to understand the plot of this intriguing story. I agree with ceiser's point about "winning Evelyn's trust." I think you need to add that he...

I appreciate your suggestions, JadePhoenix. I tried them out and felt that the voice may have been compromised a bit in the beginning, as well as some key info left out in the second paragragh. I mixed it up anyways with your ideas just to see how it came out. Not bad Dear Agent, Thirteen-year-old G...

I've done it! I got it down to 87,000 words so far, by cutting out the perspective of Euphonious Brine. I actually think this will work better. All I've got to do now is polish up the rough edges. Woo hoo!

Getting better. A few more suggestions: Agent, Raised by his father to hate humans, I have a problem with this statement: you say he was raised to hate humans and then in the next sentence say he sympathizes with them. Maybe try something like: Raised by a tyrant Father who hates humans, Vitiosus is...

I think I may be able to cut this thing down to around 90,000 words and still keep the story as it is. But there is another route I could go that would cut it down significantly, though it would pain me to do it: The reason the story is so long is that the character Euphonious Brine, is also a main ...

I took a little sabbatical from this query and have come back with fresh eyeballs. I think I like this one. I've been shaving a little content off my book, but I got to thinking: YA books are pretty long these days, especially fantasy (Eragon, Harry Potter, Artemis Fowl, I could go on). Do I really ...

I like the new hook. It's improving but I still want to know more about Jav and what's at stake. There's no urgency, infact just the opposite. He's got five years to train and it seems the worst of his problems is a pissed off chick in his martial arts school, and oh yeah, he might die if he doesn't...

I guess I'd better get to cutting down the size of the novel before I send the query then. I have not mentioned that this is part one and there is a second book (in the works). Is that something I should be up front about in the query? I realize this book should be able to stand on its own without t...

So I succeeded in cutting the word count only a bit. I tend to disagree about cutting the candied words bit. It shows effectively that she is being persuasive (like only a lady can) and it would be difficult for any boy to resist, throw in a magic blade and the deal is sealed. But I cut it anyway ju...

Hillary, I did not see your post until after I revised it (yet again). SO now I shall take your comments into consideration and see what I come up with. And, yeah, its long. I tend to over-write things. Not sure what to cut out yet but I'm working with a writers critique group to figure that out. Is...

Thanks, Mel, for your suggestions. I went with them and I feel that it reads much better. I like how this is tightened up now, but I'm feeling like it is a little bare bones. Perhaps that is how I should want it. I like the flow of the phrase"To sweeten the pot..." but maybe you can explai...

Thanks Ink!