Nathan Bransford - The Forums

Dear Mr. Agent, Set in 2034 in an America drunk on religion and consumerism Virtual Jerusalem is the tongue-in-cheek epic of Ken Clarion, a retiring spy on a seemingly simple final mission that blossoms into a global crisis, forcing Ken to choose between his life and the plans of enemies who see th...

Hi there! First of all, I totally understood the plot first read through and I think if you left it as is, you'd probably get requests! I wouldn't feel too much pressure to change this since everyone has different opinions. I'll offer a few suggestions which will probably second some of the other re...

Hi generous, wonderful, brilliant editor-people, I've been re-working my query and here's the latest version. Thanks SO MUCH for all your prior useful comments, and I would love to hear your thoughts on this iteration. C. ----------- Agent comments... In YA fantasy HARP-BROKEN, a girl finds her des...

That damn sliver of light at the end of the tunnel was only a shard of glass stuck in a rock! <grin> Based on additional feedback, I created version B. I have to be honest and say I'm at a loss deciding which way to go, so I'm throwing it out there for additional critique and feedback. *** VERSION ...

Hi. Wow, thanks again for the feedback, Priya and Erin! Glad you think placing that one sentence after introducing what Lucas does makes sense. I wasn't sure if it would flow, if I went from the hook to introducing what he does. I will throw in a "after some months away during battle..." s...

Thank you D.Bond, wordranger, Severus Lawliet, ABFTomioka for the latest suggestions and encouragement! D.Bond--yes, the word count could very well be a dealbreaker right away. The first draft was 166,000, then it went down to 123,000 and I'm stuck at 117,000. I've read two agents in particular that...

This is SO something I would love to read!! I think you have the query nailed. I just made a few tweaking suggestions. :) Okay, I've taken all your great comments and revised ... again! Please let me know what you think. Dear (Specific Agent), Emily Hennas has the power to ease one man’s painful suf...

Dear Agent: Castillia is a goddess with a strange sense of humor. She’s only manifested herself twice in history. The first time was in a king. The second time was in a prince. These guys made sense. They were respected leaders. Did she choose a king this time? No. A prince? Nope. This time, she ch...

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Hi! Thanks you so much for the feedback, very much appreciated. :D Okay, maybe I can have some opinions weigh in on the following issues if any of you are inclined to bear with me! 1) I do have a version that is specifically from Lucas' pov. The reason I did two distinct POVs was because I was tryin...

Thanks for all your help! REVISION #2 as of 3/13/11: In a Kingdom feared for its powerful army, Lucas is highly ranked among the King’s Elite officers. His devotion is proudly given to the formidable ruler, a man he fights with side by side, but his heart belongs to Adelais. She’s the girl of his y...

POSSESSED - Fourth Revision Dear Agent, Gabriel's life is a lie. He is not fourteen. He is not an ex midshipman in the British fleet. But he knows one thing. If he does not get out of the White Horizon Research Facility soon, he will be a corpse. Gabriel learns that the experiment he volunteered fo...

Fishfood: Thanks. You made some good points. Actually, other than taunting from the other kids that don't like him, Steven is Magellan's biggest problem, but Magellan isn't even aware he's a problem since Steven works on the sly. My first draft of the query stayed closer to the "Steven wants M...

Here is my first stab at a query for the novel I am really close to sending out. Thanks in advance for any insight! ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Dear Agent: Magellan’s life is turned upside down...

Hi there! I purposely decided not to read the other posters' suggetions in hopes that maybe if I hit upon the same issues, it will help guide the trouble spots in your query and hopefully get you some requests! I know you have a GREAT story here, the query is just lacking some descriptiveness that w...