Nathan Bransford - The Forums

Ok, here's another go at it with some of the great advice given here. The first line and second paragraph are new, an attempt to have a more enticing hook along with the mention of vampires right off the bat. It adds nearly 50 words to the query and it can stay or go as far as I'm concerned, but I w...

OCD. No matter how many times I clean it up, it still looks dirty to me. This word can be deleted; that sentence can be reworded; what's the point of this paragraph.
Is it clean enough yet?

Hi Seadhlinn! Glad to return the favor =) I've gotten a few form rejection letters so far, and I'm trying to figure out if it's the story, my writing.... or the query letter. Feel free to rip into the letter-- I see this as a very "technical" bit of writing, and will not take anything pers...

I agree with the above posters, I am really confused as to what's going on at the end of the query. I have no idea what the sudden change in POV means and it kills it for me. Tycoon has some info there for you if it's relevant, otherwise I would need your explanation for the last to paragraphs in th...

Thanks, Tycoon, this is very helpful.

"If I have seen further it is by standing on the shoulders of giants." (Issac Newton)

"We are the universe trying to understand itself." (?)

Thank you for the replies, Kay, Seahdlinn, and christi! You shed a lot of light on some things for me. The 'centuries old' part is getting to me now. I'm far from great when it comes grammar. Word seemed to want it to be 'Century's old', possessive as chriti implied. Maybe I will just scratch it. I ...

Okay, tweaking has been done. Does this make it less confusing? Or did I just make it worse? :P Thanks again for all your help! __________________________________ Dear (Agent), Astrid’s been a prisoner in her own castle since she was a child. Her mother, the queen, locked her away after being corru...

Alrighty, here's the latest version. Thanks so much to everyone who's commented. I more or less kept the initial blurb intact with a few minor tweaks. The 2nd paragraph I borrowed heavily from Ghost ITM, aka GIT'M and Yoshima. I'm still rather displeased with my third 'graf, i.e. the one in which t...

New version on page 3 After so many brain-wracking nights in front of the not-so-soothing glow of a monitor, its time to unleash my query upon these wonderful forums. I drive myself mad wondering: is it too much tell and not enough show? Enough conflict? Too long/short? And to think it was enjoyabl...

I like your query, not much to add over what others have said, but I want to point out that I just finished reading THE DEVIL YOU KNOW by Mike Carey (good read, btw). So of course this caught my eye. Not a big deal or anything, just a heads up, I know how it can be with titles.