Nathan Bransford - The Forums

Just one suggestion: Scrap the rookie's dialogue unless you intend to name him Basil Exposition. The dialogue is stilted, feels forced and the character is clearly a mouthpiece for the author here. Clearly you have a complex world, one that involves lots of supernatural/mythological elements but slo...

I'm new to the forum. This is the first draft of my query. Feel free to speak your mind, and thank you in advance for you help. By the way, this is just the body of the query. _____________ Seventeen-year-old Nicola Summers, the new girl in town, eh, aren't they always the new kid in town? It doesn...

I wrote in awhile ago with my first query letter and got some great feedback. Now I'm asking for it again, I've changed my book a lot and have adjusted my query letter to match. Please review and give helpful comments. Thank You. Dear Agent, Rynn’s job as a hero for hire great phrase! often has her...

Dear Great Agent, Deeply Cut first word hidden away in another dimension of existence cut - of existence, seems redundant lies a spiritual realm entrusted with balancing the forces of light and darkness within the universe. This realm is on the verge of being tipped into perpetual darkness and Jona...

Oh I'm commenting again but I just noticed a continuity error!!!

You claim the human's sword is PLATINUM.

But during the fight you say STEEL ON STEEL.

!!!! If only the hilt is platinum I think you need to clarify 'cuz it sounds like a mistake!

Ack, sorry I just saw you updated it. I knew not reading every comment was a bad move.

I have another suggestion tho! Wait until all the feedback is in before you revise, then repost the revision rather than put it in the comments section. (For lazy comment skipping people like me...sorry)

Okay I have quite a few suggestions but I must admit I did not read through all the comments so if I repeat, I apoligize. First of did this catch my attention, yes. But did it maintain that attention? Not so much. Indefinite pronouns and cliches made my mind start to wander away. I lead it back with...

Okay, writing queries are hard, that being said I think you can make this better. The first sentence is unpalatable. It is too long and uppercuts the reader with too much information. Why is she cursed? Who is the soulless sorceress? And PLEASE don't capitalize the character names. Title yes, names,...

Okay I am a bit confused (maybe I'm just thick, I don't know) is Lasserta a nation? Or the race? Is it the Lassertian nation? <Confused> The first sentence states "Vitiosus is the prince of the Lasserta, a nation of cold-hearted beings." Don't you mean "Vitiosus is the prince of Lasse...

I think this query could use a bit of clarification. First of, I think you need a colon after the first sentence, and apostrophes. Is the second sentence what is written on the note? I couldn't tell. Also, the second paragraph doesn't flow naturally. I would start with the date and the town, since I...