Nathan Bransford - The Forums

While drowning six years of widowhood into beer bottles I think this might make more sense if you say "in beer." Otherwise, all I can think of are the bottles. on his front porch, attorney Adam Wesley glimpses what he believes to be an alcohol-flooded vision: his new neighbor is a seven-fo...

16-year old Mary O’Conner is a good girl. 19-year Robert Marchioni is a good boy. But now that she’s pregnant, no one in their conservative town sees them that way, so it’s time to split. Fearing their parents will make Mary give up the baby for adoption, or worse consider abortion ; This semi-colon...

Thanks for the advice akila and Falls Apart! The edited version is up top!

Thanks for the comment on my pages Falls Apart! I don't know much about horror, but I figured I'd give this a go. I thought the first line really caught my attention, but like chvygo80, I wondered why anyone would take a job to die? I feel as though with that sort of statement you'd have to follow i...

Not to try and totally spin you in a different direction, but I actually liked the first version better! Overall I thought that one had a more refreshing YA voice, rather than the stereotypical sort of expressions I expect, like "the stupid, stupid chores." I thought the first line about A...

Grown-ups fight a lot, Magellan thought, as he looked out over the crowd. He wasn’t really listening to the argument going on between his father and the tall man anymore. It got boring over an hour ago. They just kept saying the same things over and over. “It’s a totalitarian government!” his father...

Catherine is awoken by the sound of thunder. I agree with what akila said about the passivity of "awoken." I also think you could make this beginning more gripping, because you start off with something that immediately catches my attention. Why is Scott not in bed? What is happening again...

Hey everyone, here's the first two pages of my novel. I'd love to hear what you think! I'll be sure to return the favor. Alternate Beginning In Last Post The footprints started at the edge of the trail. Sophie Rowan propped herself up on one arm to look at them, squinting through the torrential rai...

David Heiland is anything but your average high school student: State track and archery champion, honor roll student, and oh, yeah, heir to a multi-million dollar fortune. He never dreamed he’d soon add protecting a magical, parallel world on the brink of annihilation to his list of achievements. Wh...

Woo hoo! This is so much better. Great job cleaning it up! On the sixth anniversary of his wife’s death, I agree with fishfood about dropping this part and starting with the next. Unfortunately, I wish this line would grab me a little more. I feel as though you could find a way to phrase it to make...

Okay fishfood, I decided to try out your idea for a new beginning, and I like it! Unfortunately, I can't really change the part about what reddos can do, but trust me, they're not like genies. Reddos can only give answers, they can't grant wishes. Again, thank you to everyone who comments! I'll be ...

I am approaching you to represent my YA road-trip/ drama THE WIND CRIES MARY because I read that you are drawn to novels that deal with personal journey and transformation. You can put this in the last par. My protagonist chooses a path that forever changes her life. Drop this line. 16-year old Mar...

I pulled a trigger, killed my father, and half a year later I’m face down in Memphis mud trying to forget the girl who betrayed me. I buried Pa on our farm I'm glad you changed grave to farm here , my guilt in myself, and jumped on the first available steamboat. Over many Mississippi River miles I m...

Most of my comments will probably restate what fishfood has said, but I figure I'll go over it anyway. Moonlight shatters the clouds the night the woman Fades to Atlanta. Absolutely no idea what this means. You need to start with something straight and to the point, or else an agent won't bother re...

Mags hates planning, organising or anything that requires sitting still for five minutes Yeah, I think you should scrap this sentence and start with the next one, obviously including Mags' name in there. It starts right with the secret society of witches, which is interesting. . As a ‘police woman’...