Nathan Bransford - The Forums

Ermo, I like what you have done, especially the last paragraph. The change gives me just enough information to really pique my curiosity. Well done. Tim Manning has no soul. Or at least that’s what the latest popular computer application says. Saddled already with a debilitating heart problem, Tim h...

This spends too much time telling us, the reader, that Paul's life is a mess. Don't tell us this, show us. The fact that he lost everything doesn't make us sympathetic. After all, maybe he's a drunk and a gambler? Sympathy for the protagonist is more likely to be created if Paul didn't deserve it. P...

Hillsy, I have not read this before, and didn't read the previous comments, so below are my first impressions. I hope they help. Don't get discouraged, writing the query letter should require as much effort and attention to detail as writing the manuscript itself, and more. Effort spent here is wort...

This reads pretty well. It has flow and is generally cohesive. However, I feel that you could add a little more explanation and really pique my curiosity. This gets me about halfway there, thinking "hey, this is kinda cool, but then the conflict and antagonist are not really given, so will the ...

It seems disorganized. It looks like you might have a good story in here, but it seems to jump around. Try to make it consistent and flow. At times I think this is a legitimate story of women overcoming sexism and exclusion, and at times it reads like kids slinging insults on the playground. I reall...

I know Query Shark says to put the personal info last, but I think it would be better right up front in your query. When I read it for the first time, I felt confused. When I got to the end, I realized why, because I had assumed a modern day time setting. With the 1880's info, the query made much mo...

I agree with the previous comments, so won't repeat anything. The phrase "For one year, my attempts at experiencing British culture were described in newspaper print" threw me, too. Upon re-reading, I think what you mean is that because you were working as a journalist, you not only had ex...

I like your plot summary. It is compelling. My main concern would be whether you could play up the potential conflict more. Juan is talented but is overlooked because he has no training, no connections, and is a migrant laborer. Lainey is has the skills to recognize Juan's genius, but her prejudice ...

I have only a few suggestions. Fifteen-year old Griffin Tutela doesn’t believe his grandma’s stories about the huge wilderness behind her house. He rolls his eyes when she says their family can communicate with ancient trees and spirits , and that they are guardians of the forest , hinting that the ...

Mary-Catharine, thanks for looking at my query. I've been wrestling with it for days, so I know how tough they are to write. The biggest issues I see with your query: (1) Length: aim for one or at most two paragraphs, approximately 100 words or so total. I went to the drugstore this week and bought...

Overall, this is concise and gives me a good sense of the plot. I would guess it is not your first draft. Comments below. Fifteen-year old Griffin Tutela doesn’t believe the stories his grandma tells him about the forest behind her house. He rolls his eyes when she says his Seems like "their fa...

Glad to see a new version of this. Keep at it! Dear Agent, Teenage misfit Tabitha Colquitt is certain she's a werewolf. The phrase "is certain" implies that she has deduced this and doesn't actually know it. But this makes me wonder--why is she only "certain"? Maybe you don't hav...

She owns her own publishing company now. I forgot to add that part in.

The only thing better than a friend is a friend who owns a publishing company. :) Tell me that she is a brewery heiress and I will break down and cry.

Mary Catharine, I apologize in advance for my previous post. I hope it did not come across as offensive or nasty, and merely as the result of a sick mind sitting in front of a computer and avoiding doing my actual work. I hope that you find some useful bits in my post. An additional bit of advice is...

The formatting is non-standard. Intentional or haven't done it yet? Teenage misfit Tabitha Colquitt is certain she’s a werewolf. Nice. Short, punchy, and to the point. She is also certain she’s in love with , the human , Brody Eischen, and she’d do anything to protect him. Keep in same paragraph as ...