Nathan Bransford - The Forums

Okay. First, let me just thank you all again for your feedback. I've tried to let it sink in and work passive, background magic and hopefully that will show. All feedback welcome and appreciated! Newest Latest Version Dear Agent, Jav Holson is one of the Viscain Empire's elite soldiers, given immen...

So here's the latest edition. The problem I'm having is I was under the impression, that this was more of a teaser, but the more people comment on it (which I value) it seems they want it to read more as a synopsis, which I thought I was supposed to avoid... Now my problem is, It's getting wordy, b...

Thanks HilaryJ and Rainbow sheep for your thoughts. Rainbow - Don't apologize for writing so much, you have some great feed back. I'm not sure why I can see the same problems with others queries, but when it comes to my own I'm oblivious. Maybe it's because i know the story too well, and I'd love t...

It's strange... I can usually figure out what isn't working in other people's queries, but I flounder when it comes to my own. This query is bleh. I like some of the syntax, but the sentence structure seems too uniform and I'm not sure the plot is coming through, or, if it is, it isn't intriguing e...

Gimme a hand with this, ya'll, I'd really appreciate it. Dear Ms. Agentpants: Brock Rockster is an unremarkable twelve-year-old boy the same way Don Rickles is a wet blanket at parties. (This isn't a bad opener. I'm not sure it's the best one you can think of, though. I know Don Rickles, and I bet ...

It's a little strange how endearing it can be when people gather to rip apart something you made. I like it. It makes me question my choices. Thank you, all of you. Here's a new one: NEWEST REVISION Dear Specific Agent, Nineteen-year-old Adam tried to kill himself. His biggest regret is that his fiv...

Thanks for the feedback! I would really appreciate any comments, criticisms, suggestions, whatever you can offer about this... but at least, I'm hoping some of you can tell me which of the two versions below you feel is better? Note: All of the significant changes occur in the 2nd paragraph. You mig...

I like the new hook. It's improving but I still want to know more about Jav and what's at stake. There's no urgency, infact just the opposite. He's got five years to train and it seems the worst of his problems is a pissed off chick in his martial arts school, and oh yeah, he might die if he doesn'...

Okay, so I have a revision, I've been working on (for much longer than since I posted my last comment) and I want to say thanks again for taking your time to help me. I truly appreciate it. So hopefully i'm closer now, I've tried to take my old query that was very detail ridden, and my new query wh...

REVISED QUERY! What do you think? Dear ____, Twenty-seven year old (This needs dashes: "Twenty-seven-year-old") Julie Conrad is an assistant at a reputable literary agency in Los Angeles, California. (Yay, I'm glad to see it's a literary agency now instead of publishing house) She loves h...

This is my query! Please hack it to shreds because my ms is all set to go but I think the query needs some major help! Okay, umm. I hope you like the color blue as much as I do. I hope this doesn't freak you out too much. Dear ____, Twenty-seven - year - old Julie Conrad is an assistant at a reputa...

Hey everyone, I've been following Nathan's blog for some time but I've never taken advantage of the great feed back everybody has to offer here. Being new to the forum I thought this would be a great opportunity to offer up my query for your critique and hope to get some great feed back. I've writt...

Okay, I freely admit to drowning in the dark here. I am struggling. But everyone's feedback is really helping (though it may not be showing in my revisions). Here is a new take and I really have no idea if it's good or bad. I think I need to take a break from the darned thing, but I'm on vacation a...

You're opinions considered, here's the next revision. Might be too long now, though. Dear Agent, Griffin Tutela never believed the stories that his Grandma told him about the forest behind her house called the Aureus Wood. He rolls his eyes when she says that his lineage is from another world , (Mi...

So, I'm trying to connect the strings a little better. I don't know if it's working, so that's what I'm here for, I guess. Any critique is welcome and appreciated, but I've been focusing mostly on that. I didn't feel like I could slip anything into the third paragraph, so I tried to fix it in the en...