Nathan Bransford - The Forums

Thanks Zwarr, I'm so glad the second one read better to you. I'm going to take your suggestions to heart and do more work on this query. You made some awesome points that will expand the query and make it more complete. Thanks so much!

Wow, Wilderness, those questions you posed and the link to Nathan's blog really, really helped. I reconstructed the query to add more details. My first one seemed very boring. How does this sound in comparison? Isabelle Martin prides herself on her ability to stuff her emotions in a box and lock it....

September 23rd: Hey everyone! I wrote yet another query, after a rewrite on my book. Now, the plot is a bit different. I put my revised version at the end of this post! Thanks for looking. ---------------------------------- June 17th: Thanks to everyone for all your help and support. I've written on...

I agree with the other posters that you do have some beautiful descriptions, but descriptions won't get you anywhere if you don't have conflict, or something to draw us in. I want to know who this girl is, what sort of drama is going on in her life. Also, I do think the sentences were too long. When...

Hi Nessa! First of all, I love this opening scene. It really grabbed me as a reader, and as the other posters suggest, it would be good to fix the comma situation. My eyes were so busy fixing the grammar that it pulled me a bit out of the story. I actually liked the "stone mop" description...

Thanks so much for the wonderful feedback everyone! It's so great to be part of a group that offers positive, constructive critique. I got quite a few mixed opinions here, so maybe I'll tweak the second one a bit and keep it. That was my favorite, original opening, but I was afraid people would feel...

Hello everyone! I just finished the first draft of my first novel, and now its out being picked apart by my beta readers. I know I'll have to go through a lot of revisions, and this makes me reluctant to start my next project. I'm worried thoughts about my new work could taint the flow of my past st...

This is a really great post! Thanks for reminding me that its important to write. I finished the first draft of my first book (now its being read by a few beta readers), and I've only written one short story in the past month. I'm now unemployed so that I can WRITE! I need a kick in butt and start w...

Thanks for your feedback! The second ending was my older version. Looks like I should scrap that one and try to make things more streamlined anc clear.

Hello! I agree with Gina that ALO is too distracting. Actually, in my opinion, I think the beginning needs a little streamlining. I would delete some stuff, and focus on Laith's interaction with the dragon. Here's what I would do (I hope you don't mind my hacking) -----------------------------------...

Hello! I've written two opening scenes for my women's fiction novel "The Gravity of San Miguel." It's about a Seattle news reporter who witnesses tragedy on the job, and decides to completely change her life by moving to Central Mexico. I'm just curious which scene opener grabs you more. T...

Hello! First of all, I like the intrigue that you create with your first chapter. It leaves a lot of questions, and makes me very curious as to what will happen next. Why is he leaving? Where has he been? What will he tell her when he returns? I like that you use the weather to set the mood and punc...

Title: The Gravity of San Miguel Genre: Women's Fiction It’s easy to get lost when you don’t know which way is up or down, when both the water and the sky are the color of gunmetal. I guided my KRKO Ford Escape through the thick fog of downtown Seattle on my way to breaking news, cutting corners nea...

Hi Karen! I just read through your queries, and I have to say the second one grabbed me MUCH more. I agree with some other posters that you may want to omit a few more of the details and make it a big more concise. Overall, the story sounds like a lot of fun and something I would like to read. Just ...