Nathan Bransford - The Forums

NEWEST QUERY: When Seventeen-year-old Nicola Summers goes outside to take out the trash, (skip the trash, I assume it has nothing to do with the story- use the space for more relevant story info) she finds her boyfriend Tristan chained in the driveway after being beaten by a street gang. (This gang...

PROLOGUE A cauldron of blue light churned in the valley sky, casting a watery reflection over the surrounding mountains and a deep shadow over the valley floor. Max rumbled down the rutted plateau road in his pickup, cursing the mayor (I say city or county instead of a person, because the mayor is ...

Terry, I'd like to see a revision before I add to the many comments already in the thread. Also, etiquette.... I don't rewrite other's stuff. B/c I don't know all the info of the story. I might do a sentence or phrase. But that's it. Nor do I critque the story, that's not what people are asking abou...

Taking all your guys' great advice into consideration, here is my revision: Dear ... I’m seeking representation for THE DRIFTER, a 55,000-word paranormal romance novel for young adults. For sixteen-year-old Pip, knowing everyone’s time of death is growing tiresome. Especially when she can’t stop it...

Much better than the first version. Nice revision. Seventeen-year-old Nicola Summers is surprised to find her boyfriend Tristan chained in the driveway after being beaten by a street gang. She doesn’t understand his desperation for her to abandon him, especially when a storm is rolling in, and does...

I like this story idea. Some of you word choices are cliche, benched, sideline...sounds like a game. Agree with JTB's comment about showing the frustration. Overall a really good start. JQ The days leading up to a full moon are usually wild, but Seattle has never seen brutality like two witches vici...

--------------- Desperate to get away from home, Alice Towne heads for the hills of western Massachusetts. There, drawn into the lives of the people around her, she ignores the strange goings on: round stones appearing in the kitchen, the odour of peppermint, the figure of a woman lurking in the ga...

Eighteen-year-old Presley O'Connor isn't exactly a mind reader, but reading others deepest emotions works about as well. It's like having your own built-in lie detector. Her life is good, until a letter arrives on her birthday that includes her senior picture with her face mutilated and a wish for ...

Hey Beth, You don't have to start a new thread every time you make revisions. You can rename the orginal thread and Edit your first post with a new note at the beginning for us to see the revisied Query at the bottom of the thread. Hope that helps keep us all in the same thread, b/c some folks might...

Thanks Justine, great comments and suggestions. Okay here's #3. Thanks for the patience everyone: Twelve-year-old Sarah doesn’t believe in any of that guff about magic or the supernatural, but that all changes when her little sister, Jane, disappears before her eyes during a game of hide and seek. ...

Alice Towne has ( delete, passive ) walked away from what seemed a perfectly rational life. She is eager to leave behind her unfaithful lover, and hoping to avoid the so called wisdom of Josephine, her mother that fancies herself a witch. That sentence is long, can you make it two? So , Delete Alic...

I agree with the others, you need more voice to liven it up. And more emotion from Emil. What's at stake? Does his mother know his plans, would she do something if he did not follow through? Bitter woman, nice man... are we missing something, that Emil will discover? Just trying to think of points i...

[quote="BethC"] Presley O'Connor isn't exactly a mind reader, but reading other's deepest emotions works about as well. It's like having your own built-in lie detector. Life is good, I think this is cliche... until a letter arrives on her eighteenth birthday that includes her senior pictur...

Don't say it's like Married with Children without say why it's like it. (or whatever show) Because the agent may not have the same view or take on the show and how it relates to your story. Be very clear as to why you are referring to that particular show. Is it the characters, the premise, one part...

This could possibly be one of the worst brackets I have ever put together.
I think I finished in the top 10 last year.
I probably be in the bottom 10 this year.