Search found 250 matches
- April 1st, 2010, 2:47 pm
- Forum: Excerpts
- Topic: Hounds of Heaven, SF Novel, Chapter 1
- Replies: 4
- Views: 2199
Re: Hounds of Heaven, SF Novel, Chapter 1
Just one suggestion: Scrap the rookie's dialogue unless you intend to name him Basil Exposition. The dialogue is stilted, feels forced and the character is clearly a mouthpiece for the author here. Clearly you have a complex world, one that involves lots of supernatural/mythological elements but slo...
- April 1st, 2010, 2:34 pm
- Forum: Queries
- Topic: Query: Gilded Wings
- Replies: 25
- Views: 9419
Re: QUERY: FEATHERS (YA -Fantasy-Romance)
I'm new to the forum. This is the first draft of my query. Feel free to speak your mind, and thank you in advance for you help. By the way, this is just the body of the query. _____________ Seventeen-year-old Nicola Summers, the new girl in town, eh, aren't they always the new kid in town? It doesn...
- April 1st, 2010, 2:21 pm
- Forum: Queries
- Topic: Query letter for Too Enchanted; fantasy (here we go again)
- Replies: 10
- Views: 4084
Re: Query letter for Too Enchanted *second times a charm*
I wrote in awhile ago with my first query letter and got some great feedback. Now I'm asking for it again, I've changed my book a lot and have adjusted my query letter to match. Please review and give helpful comments. Thank You. Dear Agent, Rynn’s job as a hero for hire great phrase! often has her...
- April 1st, 2010, 2:08 pm
- Forum: Queries
- Topic: Revision number six
- Replies: 31
- Views: 12060
Re: New Query Letter. Please comment. Thanks.
Dear Great Agent, Deeply Cut first word hidden away in another dimension of existence cut - of existence, seems redundant lies a spiritual realm entrusted with balancing the forces of light and darkness within the universe. This realm is on the verge of being tipped into perpetual darkness and Jona...
- April 1st, 2010, 12:45 pm
- Forum: Excerpts
- Topic: Does this opening hook you? *Jelly Beans for replies!
- Replies: 24
- Views: 8408
Re: Does this opening hook you? *Jelly Beans for replies!
Oh I'm commenting again but I just noticed a continuity error!!!
You claim the human's sword is PLATINUM.
But during the fight you say STEEL ON STEEL.
!!!! If only the hilt is platinum I think you need to clarify 'cuz it sounds like a mistake!
You claim the human's sword is PLATINUM.
But during the fight you say STEEL ON STEEL.
!!!! If only the hilt is platinum I think you need to clarify 'cuz it sounds like a mistake!
- April 1st, 2010, 12:41 pm
- Forum: Excerpts
- Topic: Does this opening hook you? *Jelly Beans for replies!
- Replies: 24
- Views: 8408
Re: Does this opening hook you? *Jelly Beans for replies!
Ack, sorry I just saw you updated it. I knew not reading every comment was a bad move.
I have another suggestion tho! Wait until all the feedback is in before you revise, then repost the revision rather than put it in the comments section. (For lazy comment skipping people like me...sorry)
I have another suggestion tho! Wait until all the feedback is in before you revise, then repost the revision rather than put it in the comments section. (For lazy comment skipping people like me...sorry)
- April 1st, 2010, 12:36 pm
- Forum: Excerpts
- Topic: Does this opening hook you? *Jelly Beans for replies!
- Replies: 24
- Views: 8408
Re: Does this opening hook you? *Jelly Beans for replies!
Okay I have quite a few suggestions but I must admit I did not read through all the comments so if I repeat, I apoligize. First of did this catch my attention, yes. But did it maintain that attention? Not so much. Indefinite pronouns and cliches made my mind start to wander away. I lead it back with...
- March 31st, 2010, 5:42 pm
- Forum: Queries
- Topic: Book of the Watchers-revised
- Replies: 9
- Views: 3280
Re: Book of the Watchers-query
Okay, writing queries are hard, that being said I think you can make this better. The first sentence is unpalatable. It is too long and uppercuts the reader with too much information. Why is she cursed? Who is the soulless sorceress? And PLEASE don't capitalize the character names. Title yes, names,...
- March 31st, 2010, 3:11 pm
- Forum: Queries
- Topic: Query Critique - Overcast Shadows - REVISED
- Replies: 9
- Views: 3085
Re: Query Critique - Overcast Shadows - REVISED
Okay I am a bit confused (maybe I'm just thick, I don't know) is Lasserta a nation? Or the race? Is it the Lassertian nation? <Confused> The first sentence states "Vitiosus is the prince of the Lasserta, a nation of cold-hearted beings." Don't you mean "Vitiosus is the prince of Lasse...
- March 31st, 2010, 2:29 pm
- Forum: Queries
- Topic: Query-Akasha one more time...I think
- Replies: 16
- Views: 7030
Re: Query-Akasha
I think this query could use a bit of clarification. First of, I think you need a colon after the first sentence, and apostrophes. Is the second sentence what is written on the note? I couldn't tell. Also, the second paragraph doesn't flow naturally. I would start with the date and the town, since I...