Nathan Bransford - The Forums

It's tough getting the story down to 300 odd words or so, condensing it to a few sentences, practice, experiement, trail and error ... I've had a go for you, I hope this helps - Dear [Name], What, Seventeen-year-old McKenzie (Kenz) Grayson doesn't know when she moves back to a town she hated, is tha...

as Quill says and I restate my point. take each paragraph so far and get to its core e.g. para 2 Though he has lived his life completely unaware, Jonathan happens to be the first descendent of the Sons of God to walk the earth in ten thousand years. By way of title that makes him a Dritian, and alon...

compainionship and comfort sends out a signal, what you mean - in the context of the story - is that it provides him a distraction, keeps him busy etc. I still think that an external event needs to unite them, something so big they can forget about their own problems. otherwise (in my mind) they're ...

I'd second GeeGee's comments about the beginning - dahosek's point about the police reaching in is correct - but that's easily overcome

This is what happens plotwise: The baby is dead and buried as the book opens. The mother has fallen into a life-threatening depression. Because of their isolation the father, who is barely into his twenties, turns to his animals for companionship and comfort (Gross, less i'm imagining the worst her...

drewes - what I meant was - drop into the action, not just change the first line. Now you've changed the first line and then gone off on a load of description and still getting ready to go in. Drop into the scene where they're going in for the Vampires and go for it, get in there e.g. “Alright, Houn...

you could get on in up there straight by starting @ “Alright, Hounds, suit up and get ready. We’re dropping in blind." much better opening line me thinks (cut back to the rookie later) the flow of the action is slightly stop start stop start by stuff you could explain later maybe - telepathy et...

the only thing I can add here is that there's a lot going on and your MC is unaware of too much, some of which may not be needed in a query - I'd try and get to the core of the story in each paragraph, tell it straight and then work outwards from there e.g. ... 'Hidden away in another dimension lies...

I agree with Hillary3 - and you can get a feel for a book in the opening pages is my view

nice

my one comment is that the mention of the predicted 'apocalypse' sent me back into the query looking for where this was mentioned and it wasn't, so no tie up.

The above version by Mrpluckey states it's a 'rebellion' - which makes sense, since thats what's happening

There's a psychoanalyst in the UK who studies mulitple personalities and dissassociative (sp) disorders - Valerie Sinason, Google it. You might find some technical publications - and you may have already done this of course so forgive me - interesting, there's also a lot of stuff on 'psychic retreat...

My only thought to what seems a thought-out story is - "As their marriage begins to crumble and it seems the farm will fail, Gus and Rebecca ...find/discover/come across/get caught up in (something happens) .... and must put aside their private agonies and work together to survive." - some...

thank you, your comments are helpful, i might draft something and post it here in the feedback rooms

j

(This topic may have been covered - INK, sorry) I'm in a position to submit material to an agency who's stable of authors I like and align myself with. I know nothing about the agents. I need a set of words to say why I'm approaching them. Is saying that they have a stable of authors that I emulate,...

yes, I disagree with myself too, obviously there's no limits on the nature of a query ...