Search found 125 matches

by AllieS
June 4th, 2011, 10:06 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: REDDO, YA Urban Fantasy LAST POST
Replies: 20
Views: 7865

Re: REDDO, YA Urban Fantasy EDITED 6/5

Hey bighockeyhair. Thanks for the comments! I had each paragraph listed as first, second, etc... but I liked glj's suggestion on removing it, since the four separate paragraphs sort of show where each of the ideas are. I had a version where "a man" was a lot more specific, but that would'v...
by AllieS
June 4th, 2011, 9:29 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: Query-YA paranormal thriller NEWEST ATTEMPT IN POST #16
Replies: 18
Views: 6650

Re: Query-YA paranormal thriller NEWEST ATTEMPT IN POST #9

I actually like the old version better! Things just weren't clicking for me as I read the new one. Something about the rhythm and the details you included in the last one drew me in more. Of course, this is just one opinion, but I thought I'd share!
by AllieS
June 4th, 2011, 5:40 am
Forum: Queries
Topic: Happily Sometime After --YA Fantasy
Replies: 9
Views: 3769

Re: Happily Sometime After --YA Fantasy

Good changes! Here are my thoughts on the new version. As a child Prince Lucien inadvertently caused the death of his older brother. Now he eagerly awaits his Quest where he can finally prove that he’s not the consolation prize, but a prince worthy of the throne. There's nothing wrong with these li...
by AllieS
June 4th, 2011, 5:29 am
Forum: Queries
Topic: Totally New Query for MAGE STORM (MG Fantasy)
Replies: 12
Views: 4547

Re: Totally New Query for MAGE STORM (MG Fantasy)

I like the different approach. Here are my thoughts. Rell doesn't want magic. He doesn't dream of being a hero out of old legends or a mage. Certainly not a mage. What he'd like is just not to be in his big brother's shadow for a change. Someone should have reminded him to be careful what he wished...
by AllieS
June 3rd, 2011, 10:34 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: Re: Query Help for The Engram Mystery
Replies: 5
Views: 2612

Re: Query Help for The Engram Mystery

Deep in the canyon of her soul is the spirit of a serial killer. Who is her? And "deep in the canyon of her soul" is a little dramatic. Dr. Bailey Fairchild, a forensic anthropologist for both Montreal and New York. There's no verb in this sentence, so it doesn't make any sense. Leaving t...
by AllieS
June 1st, 2011, 7:26 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: Query-YA paranormal thriller NEWEST ATTEMPT IN POST #16
Replies: 18
Views: 6650

Re: Query-YA paranormal thriller

When seventeen-year-old outcast Lysander Shore witnesses the local Reverend murder one of the city's residents, he’s in shock. Even more unnerving is the way Reverend Small kills, by possessing his victim's body and forcing them to commit suicide. I agree with what Quill said. How can Lysander know ...
by AllieS
May 29th, 2011, 7:20 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: REDDO, YA Urban Fantasy LAST POST
Replies: 20
Views: 7865

Re: REDDO, YA Urban Fantasy EDITED 5/25

That's a fine question. Reddo means "answer" in Latin, that's why I chose it.
by AllieS
May 28th, 2011, 6:43 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: Happily Sometime After --YA Fantasy
Replies: 9
Views: 3769

Re: Happily Sometime After --YA Fantasy

Ever since inadvertently causing the death of his older brother, Prince Lucien has anxiously awaited his Quest where he can finally prove that he’s not the consolation prize, but a prince worthy of the throne. This line is pretty long. Could you shorten it to make it jump out? Of course with dragon...
by AllieS
May 25th, 2011, 3:10 am
Forum: Queries
Topic: THE ENEMY WITHIN (Historical Fiction): New Version - Page 3
Replies: 41
Views: 15601

Re: New Query: THE ENEMY WITHIN (Historical Fiction)

When her father is murdered by Union soldiers in 1862 Kentucky, nineteen-year-old Julienne Dalton is left an orphan with a ruined horse farm. Much better beginning. She struggles to restore the family’s thoroughbred business, but when the opportunity to join a ring of Confederate agents arises, she...
by AllieS
May 24th, 2011, 6:43 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: NOCTURNAL, psychological thriller
Replies: 6
Views: 2829

Re: NOCTURNAL, psychological thriller

When FBI profiler Reardon Meeks goes to Albuquerque to help find a serial killer, clues left at the crime scenes begin not only to reveal a profile of the killer, but secrets from his own past that are more horrific than even his darkest imagination. I agree with the others. Cut this and start with...
by AllieS
May 24th, 2011, 6:32 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: REDDO, YA Urban Fantasy LAST POST
Replies: 20
Views: 7865

Re: REDDO, YA Urban Fantasy EDITED 5/3

Thanks Joel and glj! I've tried to make the last paragraph more specific. Four things come to mind when eighteen-year-old Sophie Rowan thinks about the Kedoas. Her life would be a lot simpler if she hadn’t found Hugh Kedoa, the new boy at school, with a broken ankle in Ellery Wildlife Preserve. Then...
by AllieS
May 24th, 2011, 2:19 am
Forum: Excerpts
Topic: First Two Pages for REDDO, YA urban fantasy (REVISED 6/13)
Replies: 14
Views: 7563

Re: First Two Pages for REDDO, YA urban fantasy (REVISED 4/21)

Thanks Aurlumen! But I actually just realized that I forgot to post the newest changes! Oops! The real new version is above now, haha.
by AllieS
May 23rd, 2011, 6:46 pm
Forum: Excerpts
Topic: First Two Pages for REDDO, YA urban fantasy (REVISED 6/13)
Replies: 14
Views: 7563

Re: First Two Pages for REDDO, YA urban fantasy (REVISED 4/21)

Alright, I've done a whole new revision on those pages, using your guys' comments to help. I'd love to hear what you think of it! It's posted in the first post.
by AllieS
May 10th, 2011, 6:46 pm
Forum: Excerpts
Topic: "I Just Need Some Space", first 400 words
Replies: 3
Views: 2441

Re: "I Just Need Some Space", first 400 words

I like it, and here are my comments: “Rough day, hon?” the waitress asked Shapiro, her smile beaming like xenon headlights on a dark country road. She was awfully perky for a night-shift waitress in an off-ramp diner. Considering how Shapiro’s day had gone, he wished she’d turn down the high-beams. ...
by AllieS
May 7th, 2011, 4:21 am
Forum: Queries
Topic: Query: All That Glitters (YA)
Replies: 10
Views: 4671

Re: Query: All That Glitters (YA)

Belén can’t believe it when she learns Señor Rossi, the man who saved her nine-year-old self from drowning, is a war criminal. This is awkwardly phrased, and doesn't grab me the way I want it to. You could try breaking it up to say something like, "Belen just learned the man who saved her life...