Search found 125 matches
- June 4th, 2011, 10:06 pm
- Forum: Queries
- Topic: REDDO, YA Urban Fantasy LAST POST
- Replies: 20
- Views: 7865
Re: REDDO, YA Urban Fantasy EDITED 6/5
Hey bighockeyhair. Thanks for the comments! I had each paragraph listed as first, second, etc... but I liked glj's suggestion on removing it, since the four separate paragraphs sort of show where each of the ideas are. I had a version where "a man" was a lot more specific, but that would'v...
- June 4th, 2011, 9:29 pm
- Forum: Queries
- Topic: Query-YA paranormal thriller NEWEST ATTEMPT IN POST #16
- Replies: 18
- Views: 6650
Re: Query-YA paranormal thriller NEWEST ATTEMPT IN POST #9
I actually like the old version better! Things just weren't clicking for me as I read the new one. Something about the rhythm and the details you included in the last one drew me in more. Of course, this is just one opinion, but I thought I'd share!
- June 4th, 2011, 5:40 am
- Forum: Queries
- Topic: Happily Sometime After --YA Fantasy
- Replies: 9
- Views: 3769
Re: Happily Sometime After --YA Fantasy
Good changes! Here are my thoughts on the new version. As a child Prince Lucien inadvertently caused the death of his older brother. Now he eagerly awaits his Quest where he can finally prove that he’s not the consolation prize, but a prince worthy of the throne. There's nothing wrong with these li...
- June 4th, 2011, 5:29 am
- Forum: Queries
- Topic: Totally New Query for MAGE STORM (MG Fantasy)
- Replies: 12
- Views: 4547
Re: Totally New Query for MAGE STORM (MG Fantasy)
I like the different approach. Here are my thoughts. Rell doesn't want magic. He doesn't dream of being a hero out of old legends or a mage. Certainly not a mage. What he'd like is just not to be in his big brother's shadow for a change. Someone should have reminded him to be careful what he wished...
- June 3rd, 2011, 10:34 pm
- Forum: Queries
- Topic: Re: Query Help for The Engram Mystery
- Replies: 5
- Views: 2612
Re: Query Help for The Engram Mystery
Deep in the canyon of her soul is the spirit of a serial killer. Who is her? And "deep in the canyon of her soul" is a little dramatic. Dr. Bailey Fairchild, a forensic anthropologist for both Montreal and New York. There's no verb in this sentence, so it doesn't make any sense. Leaving t...
- June 1st, 2011, 7:26 pm
- Forum: Queries
- Topic: Query-YA paranormal thriller NEWEST ATTEMPT IN POST #16
- Replies: 18
- Views: 6650
Re: Query-YA paranormal thriller
When seventeen-year-old outcast Lysander Shore witnesses the local Reverend murder one of the city's residents, he’s in shock. Even more unnerving is the way Reverend Small kills, by possessing his victim's body and forcing them to commit suicide. I agree with what Quill said. How can Lysander know ...
- May 29th, 2011, 7:20 pm
- Forum: Queries
- Topic: REDDO, YA Urban Fantasy LAST POST
- Replies: 20
- Views: 7865
Re: REDDO, YA Urban Fantasy EDITED 5/25
That's a fine question. Reddo means "answer" in Latin, that's why I chose it.
- May 28th, 2011, 6:43 pm
- Forum: Queries
- Topic: Happily Sometime After --YA Fantasy
- Replies: 9
- Views: 3769
Re: Happily Sometime After --YA Fantasy
Ever since inadvertently causing the death of his older brother, Prince Lucien has anxiously awaited his Quest where he can finally prove that he’s not the consolation prize, but a prince worthy of the throne. This line is pretty long. Could you shorten it to make it jump out? Of course with dragon...
- May 25th, 2011, 3:10 am
- Forum: Queries
- Topic: THE ENEMY WITHIN (Historical Fiction): New Version - Page 3
- Replies: 41
- Views: 15601
Re: New Query: THE ENEMY WITHIN (Historical Fiction)
When her father is murdered by Union soldiers in 1862 Kentucky, nineteen-year-old Julienne Dalton is left an orphan with a ruined horse farm. Much better beginning. She struggles to restore the family’s thoroughbred business, but when the opportunity to join a ring of Confederate agents arises, she...
- May 24th, 2011, 6:43 pm
- Forum: Queries
- Topic: NOCTURNAL, psychological thriller
- Replies: 6
- Views: 2829
Re: NOCTURNAL, psychological thriller
When FBI profiler Reardon Meeks goes to Albuquerque to help find a serial killer, clues left at the crime scenes begin not only to reveal a profile of the killer, but secrets from his own past that are more horrific than even his darkest imagination. I agree with the others. Cut this and start with...
- May 24th, 2011, 6:32 pm
- Forum: Queries
- Topic: REDDO, YA Urban Fantasy LAST POST
- Replies: 20
- Views: 7865
Re: REDDO, YA Urban Fantasy EDITED 5/3
Thanks Joel and glj! I've tried to make the last paragraph more specific. Four things come to mind when eighteen-year-old Sophie Rowan thinks about the Kedoas. Her life would be a lot simpler if she hadn’t found Hugh Kedoa, the new boy at school, with a broken ankle in Ellery Wildlife Preserve. Then...
- May 24th, 2011, 2:19 am
- Forum: Excerpts
- Topic: First Two Pages for REDDO, YA urban fantasy (REVISED 6/13)
- Replies: 14
- Views: 7563
Re: First Two Pages for REDDO, YA urban fantasy (REVISED 4/21)
Thanks Aurlumen! But I actually just realized that I forgot to post the newest changes! Oops! The real new version is above now, haha.
- May 23rd, 2011, 6:46 pm
- Forum: Excerpts
- Topic: First Two Pages for REDDO, YA urban fantasy (REVISED 6/13)
- Replies: 14
- Views: 7563
Re: First Two Pages for REDDO, YA urban fantasy (REVISED 4/21)
Alright, I've done a whole new revision on those pages, using your guys' comments to help. I'd love to hear what you think of it! It's posted in the first post.
- May 10th, 2011, 6:46 pm
- Forum: Excerpts
- Topic: "I Just Need Some Space", first 400 words
- Replies: 3
- Views: 2441
Re: "I Just Need Some Space", first 400 words
I like it, and here are my comments: “Rough day, hon?” the waitress asked Shapiro, her smile beaming like xenon headlights on a dark country road. She was awfully perky for a night-shift waitress in an off-ramp diner. Considering how Shapiro’s day had gone, he wished she’d turn down the high-beams. ...
- May 7th, 2011, 4:21 am
- Forum: Queries
- Topic: Query: All That Glitters (YA)
- Replies: 10
- Views: 4671
Re: Query: All That Glitters (YA)
Belén can’t believe it when she learns Señor Rossi, the man who saved her nine-year-old self from drowning, is a war criminal. This is awkwardly phrased, and doesn't grab me the way I want it to. You could try breaking it up to say something like, "Belen just learned the man who saved her life...