Nathan Bransford - The Forums

This is all tell and now show. This is your first opportunity to show an agent 1) what your story is about, and 2) your style of writing - so have fun with this. Infuse it with some action and adventure and MAKE the agent want to read more. My suggestions below: {my info} Dear {agent}, My name is R...

This is another attempt (I know, I know, I'm obsessing) - I want to see if it's better: The students and faculty of Waltham High School have had a lot of incidents lately – broken legs, allergic reactions, nosebleeds, heart palpitations – and they’re beginning to think 17-year-old Thea Vans has some...

Agents want to know about the main character and what challenges they face. They do not want to be teased - they want to be intrigued. At the end of a query they should be thinking "how does it end?", now "what's it really about?" Hope that answers your question.

I think there's too much information in here. My comments below: Dear agent, When Kaitidid Rogers’s parents are beheaded in a car crash, her mind shuts down. Discovering telepathic and psychokinetic powers in the hospital’s mental ward doesn’t help matters either So if she's discovering powers, how...

I am an unpublished writer seeking a literary agent Cut this PLEASE . FADING GREY is a 90,000 word paranormal romance. Anna, half wolf and half vampire, is caught between two worlds that war to own her or kill her They want to own her AND kill her? How would they own her if they kill her? Cut one o...

I agree with stephmcgee that you get a feeling for conflict in this, but you're lacking in specifics to really hook me. The End Begins title in capitals follows Rai coping as the only sorceress what kind of sorceress? what can she do? among a dystopian population how is it dystopian? on the verge o...

What genre is this? If this is YA, for instance, going with a young character as your query focus would be better than focusing on Holmes. Is this a thriller for adults, then Holmes is your guy. That might help you choose...

I agree with the others that you're letting your plot overpower connectedness with your main character. I found that focusing on emotions in queries rather than plot helps tremendously. Dear (Agent), Markyi Lharnid lives in a world where not being Christian is punishable by death and being raped is...

Thanks, ar and steph! I'm wondering if this would help clarify: Before she can figure out just who – or what – Left-Hander is, a group of teenagers with powers identical to Thea’s attack the local park. Thea convinces Left-Hander to fight them, but doing so lands her in the middle of a society that ...

I kind of like the pause there...but someone else said to remove it too. Hmm, I'll consider. Thanks, Quill!

Okay, here's one more try. I realized that using "world" implies she enters a new world, but this is set in America still. I don't want agents to think it's high fantasy: Seventeen-year-old Thea Vans will do anything to protect her best friend, Tully. That’s why she’ll never speak to him a...

I'm gonna go with: Thea convinces Left-Hander...

Think that's the simplest. Thanks, Quill!

Hmm, yeah, good point. How about this:

Thea coaxes Left-Hander to fight them, but doing so, etc. etc.

I like jm's rewrite - but the query you originally posted was also very moving and effective. I would read just from that last line.

I like fishfood's suggestions for the hook. That'll connect the catalyst with the rest of the plot much better. I also feel kind of bad for her almost-fiancee too. Why'd she leave him if she was happy? That might be too much info for a query, but I'm throwing it out there. Make us feel her inner tur...