Nathan Bransford - The Forums

I think ABFTomioka's revisions are on the money.

Some great improvements. It's just wordy in a lot of places. Dear Awesome Agent, London, 1882. Seven years ago, Emil Aleric and his sister were kidnapped. Emil survived. His sister didn’t. So when word of a ruthless killer rampaging London convinces Emil that his kidnapper is on the move, he’s almos...

Hi Justin! This should be the start of your query, with some alterations: set in a world where the Roman Empire lasted until 1608 before mysteriously disappearing What do you mean by disappearing? The whole segment of land up and disappeared? All the people disappeared? What happened exactly? But th...

Here's my newest version: Seventeen-year-old Thea Vans will do anything to protect her best friend, Tully. That’s why she’ll never speak to him again. Thea’s always hidden her ability to heal or infect with a single touch – but the powers don’t belong to her anymore. Left-Hander, the new and inexpli...

Though most dragons have gone into hiding, sixteen year old Chris Drake and his best friend, Yvonne Steele, are ready to become modern day dragon slayers. To finish their training, they must kill the dragon that their dads, have chained up beneath the streets of Denver, Colorado specifically for thi...

I like it, but I'm not buying that Emil's mother would think he's safer with the head of the investigation. Wouldn't that make him more of a target? What if the Hatter decides to go after the cop who's chasing him - that's going to put Emil right in harm's way. Your earlier versions didn't make it s...

I think you're still missing a lot of specifics (I'll point out where), and I'm not getting a real sense for Rai's character in this. THE END BEGINS follows Rai, an Elemental sorceress on the run, trading her freedom for protection as a mercenary among private military companies. Their aim is to di...

If not remembering your past is bad Too much negativity in this opening: "not" and "bad" then Ashalei’s life is about to become hell. All she wanted was for things to go back to normal after her accident but, she soon meets Airik and he tells her she can control the element fire ...

Hi David, It might help if you posted the query you were using before, just as a reference. From this query, I found the time-jumps confusing. Is this about Simone's entire life or a smaller chunk of time? Is the whole novel about why he surrendered? If that's the case, then the query should be focu...

Thanks in advance for the advice :) Anna’s sixteenth birthday should have been a time celebrating her transition into adulthood, but instead it marks the brutal murder of her family members. With nowhere else to go, Anna heads into the small village of Litchfield to find family friends, Dermot and ...

This sounds like a really interesting book. I think you need to up Lian's motives for wanting to kill the Shadow Man. How does she go to being calm to catatonic? I'm not feeling the motive there. Give some specifics on the Shadow Man's visitors. That might help.

Alright, three times the charm... Dear , Fifty years into America’s future comma here not being part of the government’s Christianity is punishable by death and being raped is considered adulterous I would cut this last part, for brevity . Markyi Lharnid silently disagrees with the government but k...

I like this a lot. My comments below: Dear (Agent): When the voices in Dominic Taylor’s head tell him to follow his classmate, Jennifer, she leads him to a world of powerful shapeshifters called the Fey. He’s caught in a war between the Fey and an anti-magic organization, HEROS (Humans Enforcing th...

You've got the bare bones here. Nice job. My comments below. Anna’s vampire mother and werewolf father abandoned her as a young child in an effort to protect her from their two feuding races This is good . Her existence has been disputed for the last fourteen years since her parents’ brutal murders...

This is much better! I still think you're losing your MC in the end, though. If this is from her perspective, then I want to hear about how she feels about the attempted execution. What choice does SHE have to make? The end of the query makes it sound like UAL is the main character. Did they choose ...