Nathan Bransford - The Forums

I like the Mad Lib book idea! You can create one then market it to writers. :P

I think aj's restructuring of your conflict is spot on. From what I've read--I might be wrong--you don't want to have a paragraph of past tense explanation. Agents like to see queries in present tense. I could be wrong though. Good luck!

I would add to what aj said--no need to tell the agent that the novel touches on relevant issues like bullying and the like. Let the query speak for itself by SHOWING the agent how your novel addresses this. I really like the idea of invisibility though! Queries are tough and I am by no means an aut...

I think glj is right on the money with comments. That being said, I believe this to be a very interesting take on a concept that's been driven into the ground. It could make for some VERY interested agents once you nail down the query!

The only thing I would worry about is the fact that part of your title is The Fallen (like Fallen by Lauren Kate) and a main character is named Daniel (I believe this is the main angel in Fallen but I could be mistaken). Since it is on a similar topic, IMO, you may want to either change the title or...

I think you should focus mainly on one character. It sounds like Garcia is the your focal point and Danny is the vehicle that helps drive the story. Once you choose one character to talk about then it will flow better, IMO. I think you don't need the mention of Danny in the first paragraph after the...

I would agree on the first two sentences not gelling with the first paragraph. HOWEVER, I think they inserted some much need voice into the query. I like your last attempt much better. You're getting there and it sounds like an interesting story!