Nathan Bransford - The Forums

It seems like the last sentence of your primary paragraph is where your story starts, and that's where I suggest you start your query. The rest seems like backstory. I know you're trying to convey how isolated/mundane her life has been before the invitation arrives, but I think describing where her ...

I have to say, this query made me smile! It made me want to read the book! The earlier suggestions for cleaning it up are good--I also did a double take about the death in the river vs. on High Bridge road. And I don't think you need to say that you're an attorney in your query, as that's not really...

This story sounds quite interesting! However, the query is a bit confusing. In general, I suggest you shorten many of the sentences, make sure as many as possible are in an active voice, and make a few things more specific. One night Connor Riley finds himself wide-awake [ no hyphen needed here, I t...

I do like your revision that keeps the voice consistent--it made it much more interesting, actually.

One edit--I think you mean "deep breaths" instead of "deep breathes".

In terms of story content and structure, you are almost there, I think. Just enough information. But this tale is supposed to be humerous, so don't forget to include it! There was more of your voice in the first two versions, and I'm glad, because I know you can do it in this more condensed and more...

I think the structure of the query is better now. It's in a more active voice (although some of that passivity still lingers: "Memories reveal that..." still puts the heroine in that passive recipient of info role). So, the lingering issue I see with your query is that it is still really vague. Even...

Just a few suggestions: break up that one big paragraph into a few smaller sections. It looks like one big, unwieldy block of text right now. Several of the sentences are written in passive voice, and should be active: "it is revealed to her" "is is made known to her" "she is informed that" I think ...

ditto the other positive feedback! A completely subjective comment: The only thing I'm really missing is the connection between Cameron's situation and Kyle's. It's almost like you're telling two different stories, although the connection is stated in the third paragraph. If there were any way for y...

Hi BAL, I think this is an improvement, but now there's too much of the story in your query. If you can find a nice middle ground, you'll be in great shape. A few things: Your very first sentence is telling instead of showing. You don't have to tell the agent your story is full of XYZ, because your ...

When I read this, I thought that it described what could be a really interesting story. Quirky, with personality, and maybe with a cool message. All of that lurks behind this query. But, that said, I had some trouble understanding it because of some of the grammar and structure. So, I’ll offer two k...