Search found 70 matches

by lachrymal
June 7th, 2010, 7:54 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: Empty Query (Take 2)
Replies: 12
Views: 1850

Re: Empty Query

I hope you will be interested in taking me on as a new client. I have completed a 51,000 word dark science fiction novel called Empty which I would like you to represent. [All right. This is really short for an adult novel. For YA it's fine, but for adult sci-fi, you probably need at least 80k for a...
by lachrymal
June 7th, 2010, 7:23 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: Query: Shades of Gray: A Jude Magdalyn Novel
Replies: 5
Views: 923

Re: Query: Shades of Gray: A Jude Magdalyn Novel

Your query makes the story sound interesting, but it's way too long. You mention too many characters. I think you really need to strip this down to the primary conflict and choice and leave the rest for your synopsis. I kind of got lost in the very first paragraph with all the not normal, hardly nor...
by lachrymal
June 7th, 2010, 7:11 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: Query for On The Fringe
Replies: 7
Views: 1442

Re: Query for On The Fringe

ear Literary Agent, Lucy is the typical post graduate [OK. First, postgraduate is one word. Second, it's an adjective. I think it would make more sense here if you said "college graduate"] dreaming of the perfect job as a historian. After applying at museums, community colleges, fast food restaurant...
by lachrymal
June 4th, 2010, 5:08 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: The Super Incredible Pre-Agent Tester!
Replies: 29
Views: 5263

Re: The Super Incredible Pre-Agent Tester!

I would reject this because of the punctuation errors as well, including the misuse of the semicolon (it should be a colon). On top of that, too many sentences start with long introductory clauses and several words could be cut out. This is a really fascinating idea, and I like it. However, I guess ...
by lachrymal
May 29th, 2010, 8:54 am
Forum: Queries
Topic: Query "Blood of Ihdun' YA Urban Fantasy
Replies: 24
Views: 3994

Re: Query "Blood of Ihdun' YA Urban Fantasy

Hi Stardog, I couldn't tell from your most recent post if you wanted feedback on this or not. If not, please disregard below. If so, I hope this is helpful. Dear Agent, Seventeen year old [you need hyphens here: seventeen-year-old] Kat is haunted by dreams of people she's never met. Well [comma her...
by lachrymal
May 26th, 2010, 11:01 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: Query for "Problem Child: Confessions of an Aspie" (Take 3)
Replies: 12
Views: 2423

Re: Query for "Problem Child: Confessions of an Aspie"

I don't know much about querying a memoir, so take my feedback with a grain of salt. The biggest issue I have with your query is that not much of it is actually about you. Why should your memoir be published (compared with others')? What's interesting about your life? You have a very general (one se...
by lachrymal
May 22nd, 2010, 3:10 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: 3rd try Query- CAPTIVATED
Replies: 5
Views: 946

Re: Revised Query- CAPTIVATED

Having superpowers isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. As the only child of a telepathic mother and an infinitely strong father, Johnny can read minds, manipulate electricity, and possesses sheer brute strength that [you can delete this "that"] any guy would kill for. But he never asked for any of it. ...
by lachrymal
May 16th, 2010, 1:01 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: Query Revision: Euphonious Brine
Replies: 36
Views: 5660

Re: Query Revision: Euphonious Brine

On the other hand, I recently met with an agent at a conference (who works at the same agency as Janet Reid, AKA Query Shark) --she took one look at my query, which said nothing about me because I don't have any "publication credentials", and said: "I know nothing about you. You have to say somethin...
by lachrymal
May 16th, 2010, 7:25 am
Forum: Queries
Topic: TRINITY, a novel (#4, revised)
Replies: 26
Views: 4812

Re: TRINITY, a novel (#4, revised)

Gabriel Clarkson's mother dedicated her existence to studying life extinguished, [you don't need that comma because what comes after is a dependent phrase.] and the vestiges left behind ["vestiges" are, by definition, left behind. Therefore, you're kind of saying it twice here--and an agent will pro...
by lachrymal
May 14th, 2010, 7:25 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: TRINITY, a novel (#4, revised)
Replies: 26
Views: 4812

Re: TRINITY, a novel

perhaps you were thinking of the word "tenacious", the adjectival form of the noun "tenacity". "Arduous" would work, but says more about the research than it does about his attitude toward the research. However, perhaps that is more appropriate, since you are using the word to describe the research ...
by lachrymal
May 14th, 2010, 4:52 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: TRINITY, a novel (#4, revised)
Replies: 26
Views: 4812

Re: TRINITY, a novel

When his younger brother dies from leukemia, medical student Gabriel Clarkson is consumed with a rage [I have never heard this phrase before, and it doesn't make much sense for me. It sounds like you're combining two phrases--"consumed with rage" and "a thirst for answers". It sounds weird. Also, de...
by lachrymal
April 23rd, 2010, 6:16 am
Forum: Queries
Topic: Black Hole Son (New Approach) (Draft 2)
Replies: 14
Views: 3074

Re: Black Hole Son (New Approach) (Draft 2)

I think you could do without: the list of people Remy helps "which gives him a thirst for justice (a little money wouldn't be bad either)" I think the very first paragraph could be condensed a little--I think some of that repetition is due to the way you structured your original query, in which you ...
by lachrymal
April 15th, 2010, 5:33 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: Black Hole Son (New Approach) (Draft 2)
Replies: 14
Views: 3074

Re: Black Hole Son (New Approach) (Draft 2)

Semicolon no (because what comes after is not an independent phrase).
Comma yes (though that breaks your cardinal rule, my friend).
by lachrymal
April 15th, 2010, 6:56 am
Forum: Queries
Topic: Black Hole Son (New Approach) (Draft 2)
Replies: 14
Views: 3074

Re: Black Hole Son (New Approach) (Draft 2)

Remy wakes up on a park bench with no memory and no identity. In another part of the city, Ash wakes up in an alley with the same condition. Neither knows the other exists and the only things they have are a powerful instinct to protect and psychic abilities. I'm surprised you didn't take the oppor...
by lachrymal
April 4th, 2010, 6:32 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: Query: Gilded Wings
Replies: 25
Views: 4273

Re: Query: Feathers

For seventeen-year-old Nicola Summers, finding her boyfriend Tristan chained to her driveway [is he chained in the driveway or actually chained to the driveway?] was not part of the plan. Struggling to break free from the restraints he was left in after being assaulted by a street gang [this is very...