Search found 70 matches
- August 1st, 2010, 9:53 pm
- Forum: Queries
- Topic: Another Query attempt
- Replies: 25
- Views: 12817
Re: Another Query attempt
I completely agree with Emily J (sorry, Shadow--I know you've worked hard!). This latest version gives very little sense of the plot or the main character. You're not giving an agent enough to distinguish your story from the dozens of other queries she/he reads daily. Even though I know a bit about ...
- July 13th, 2010, 7:02 am
- Forum: Excerpts
- Topic: Don't Come to the House Tonight
- Replies: 10
- Views: 4525
Re: Don't Come to the House Tonight
You've got a lot of cleverness in here and I chuckled more than once as I read this. Despite what you said about your character being horrible, you've given her a great voice and made her pretty instantly likeable, in my opinion. I don't have time for a line-by-line edit, but I spotted several issue...
- July 12th, 2010, 7:06 am
- Forum: Excerpts
- Topic: Princess of Swans: first page critique (epic fantasy)
- Replies: 5
- Views: 2578
Re: Princess of Swans: first page critique (epic fantasy)
I agree with the previous comments--good pacing, but I also suggest you start just a few minutes later, that is, not having the protagonist start the story by being awakened. I only suggest this because I've heard so many agents complain that starting the story like this is pretty cliched. You could...
- July 11th, 2010, 8:19 am
- Forum: Queries
- Topic: Another Query attempt
- Replies: 25
- Views: 12817
Re: Another Query attempt
Vitiosus, the dark warrior prince, is feared by all of Lassertian. Just checking--is "Lassertian" the name of the country/world? I'm just asking because in previous queries I've seen you use "Lassertian" as an adjective, which made me think the name of the place was "Lasser...
- July 10th, 2010, 7:27 am
- Forum: Queries
- Topic: Query-- "The Savage and the Tender"
- Replies: 9
- Views: 3068
Re: Query-- "The Savage and the Tender"
Winter, 1745. Scotland is losing a war for independence. The approaching British army has orders to leave no survivors. In desperation, Robert Maxwell and his fellow soldiers beg for supernatural aid from the daione sìdhe—faeries exiled by humans to a parallel plane of existence. Their plea is answ...
- July 7th, 2010, 8:08 pm
- Forum: Queries
- Topic: Trying to determine Women's Fiction or YA?
- Replies: 3
- Views: 1470
Re: Trying to determine Women's Fiction or YA?
Agreed. If you read a lot of YA, you'll see that a lot of it is not light and fluffy stuff. Some of it is quite stomach-churning (e.g., Living Dead Girl). All topics are pretty much fair game (if dealt with responsibly), but I'd say that in YA, many things are covered more tastefully and a little le...
- June 29th, 2010, 8:00 am
- Forum: Excerpts
- Topic: Something's wrong... Help please. [new version]
- Replies: 10
- Views: 5254
Re: Something's wrong... I can't find it. Help please.
Hi Blanche, Re: what you can do regarding clarifying the nature of Claudia--one concrete suggestion I have is to make your Shakespeare quote a little more obscure. What caught my eye was the use of a quote so famous that it's become common use. Also, you want to make the point that she knows about V...
- June 27th, 2010, 9:26 am
- Forum: Excerpts
- Topic: Something's wrong... Help please. [new version]
- Replies: 10
- Views: 5254
Re: Something's wrong... I can't find it. Help please.
Oh my god, Blanche. I just spent over an hour working through this thing, and the freaking site logged me out and I lost the whole post. I just don't have the energy to retype everything again at the moment, but if you want, you can PM me and I'd be happy to go through this in MS word and track chan...
- June 21st, 2010, 5:52 pm
- Forum: Queries
- Topic: The Incredible Race Query Letter
- Replies: 57
- Views: 18929
Re: The Incredible Race Query Letter
Was it not obvious that 'Crumpet Towers' and 'Crumpet Toothpicks' were meant to communicate that the story is... over the top... silly... completely tongue in cheek? Why are people taking this so seriously? I'm sure I'm going to regret this, but I feel compelled to comment. Why are people taking th...
- June 15th, 2010, 6:22 am
- Forum: Excerpts
- Topic: Born to Die opening *Critique?*
- Replies: 8
- Views: 4968
Re: Born to Die opening *Critique?*
Chapter 1 I concentrate as hard as I can, but I know I will never do what my father wants; I will never lift the orb. I look into my father's desperate brown eyes. Beads of sweat have formed on his brow [technically, you either need a comma before this conjunction or you could make it a stand alone ...
- June 14th, 2010, 2:48 pm
- Forum: Queries
- Topic: The Incredible Race Query Letter
- Replies: 57
- Views: 18929
Re: The Incredible Race Query Letter
Sir Hugo Cornelius Crumpet, the multi-millionaire owner of the world's largest toothpick manufacturing company, Crumpet Toothpicks, has passed away at the age of ninety. Happily believing that [you probably don't need this "that"] his estate will be divided evenly amongst the six of them, ...
- June 13th, 2010, 7:23 am
- Forum: Queries
- Topic: dirge of the desert - new attempt, new slant
- Replies: 50
- Views: 22901
Re: dirge of the desert - new attempt, new slant
Hi Lexcade--I've read several of your query versions here, and I really think you're on the right track. There are lots of really clever little phrases in here that make the query enticing and make me want to read more. However, in my humble opinion, your para about Sydel is unnecessary. I think it ...
- June 10th, 2010, 6:24 am
- Forum: Queries
- Topic: Empty Query (Take 2)
- Replies: 12
- Views: 5021
Re: Empty Query (Take 2)
On the world of Larynth [comma after this introductory clause] it is common for the state sponsored [this would be hypenated: "state-sponsored"] child to take over the parent’s profession [I'd put a period here, but you could also add a comma. You need one or the other because what follows...
- June 8th, 2010, 5:43 am
- Forum: Queries
- Topic: Empty Query (Take 2)
- Replies: 12
- Views: 5021
Re: Empty Query
You can depict anything you want in a book. Freedom of speech. And there are published books on some very difficult topics, including the ones you list, so this is not new ground. Of course, if you write graphic and/or violent sex scenes involving a minor, that would turn the stomach of just about a...
- June 8th, 2010, 5:35 am
- Forum: Queries
- Topic: Query for "Problem Child: Confessions of an Aspie" (Take 3)
- Replies: 12
- Views: 6599
Re: Query for "Problem Child: Confessions of an Aspie" (Take 3)
Hi Daryl--rather than sending out so many queries all at once, how about sending out a few at a time and gauging the response, then revising according to those responses? If you send out everything in one go, you give yourself no opportunity to modify based on feedback. If you send out, say 10 at a ...