Search found 70 matches

by lachrymal
August 1st, 2010, 9:53 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: Another Query attempt
Replies: 25
Views: 3990

Re: Another Query attempt

I completely agree with Emily J (sorry, Shadow--I know you've worked hard!). This latest version gives very little sense of the plot or the main character. You're not giving an agent enough to distinguish your story from the dozens of other queries she/he reads daily. Even though I know a bit about ...
by lachrymal
July 13th, 2010, 7:02 am
Forum: Excerpts
Topic: Don't Come to the House Tonight
Replies: 10
Views: 1976

Re: Don't Come to the House Tonight

You've got a lot of cleverness in here and I chuckled more than once as I read this. Despite what you said about your character being horrible, you've given her a great voice and made her pretty instantly likeable, in my opinion. I don't have time for a line-by-line edit, but I spotted several issue...
by lachrymal
July 12th, 2010, 7:06 am
Forum: Excerpts
Topic: Princess of Swans: first page critique (epic fantasy)
Replies: 5
Views: 1170

Re: Princess of Swans: first page critique (epic fantasy)

I agree with the previous comments--good pacing, but I also suggest you start just a few minutes later, that is, not having the protagonist start the story by being awakened. I only suggest this because I've heard so many agents complain that starting the story like this is pretty cliched. You could...
by lachrymal
July 11th, 2010, 8:19 am
Forum: Queries
Topic: Another Query attempt
Replies: 25
Views: 3990

Re: Another Query attempt

Vitiosus, the dark warrior prince, is feared by all of Lassertian. Just checking--is "Lassertian" the name of the country/world? I'm just asking because in previous queries I've seen you use "Lassertian" as an adjective, which made me think the name of the place was "Lassertia". You know, like some...
by lachrymal
July 10th, 2010, 7:27 am
Forum: Queries
Topic: Query-- "The Savage and the Tender"
Replies: 9
Views: 1181

Re: Query-- "The Savage and the Tender"

Winter, 1745. Scotland is losing a war for independence. The approaching British army has orders to leave no survivors. In desperation, Robert Maxwell and his fellow soldiers beg for supernatural aid from the daione sìdhe—faeries exiled by humans to a parallel plane of existence. Their plea is answ...
by lachrymal
July 7th, 2010, 8:08 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: Trying to determine Women's Fiction or YA?
Replies: 3
Views: 569

Re: Trying to determine Women's Fiction or YA?

Agreed. If you read a lot of YA, you'll see that a lot of it is not light and fluffy stuff. Some of it is quite stomach-churning (e.g., Living Dead Girl). All topics are pretty much fair game (if dealt with responsibly), but I'd say that in YA, many things are covered more tastefully and a little le...
by lachrymal
June 29th, 2010, 8:00 am
Forum: Excerpts
Topic: Something's wrong... Help please. [new version]
Replies: 10
Views: 1952

Re: Something's wrong... I can't find it. Help please.

Hi Blanche, Re: what you can do regarding clarifying the nature of Claudia--one concrete suggestion I have is to make your Shakespeare quote a little more obscure. What caught my eye was the use of a quote so famous that it's become common use. Also, you want to make the point that she knows about V...
by lachrymal
June 27th, 2010, 9:26 am
Forum: Excerpts
Topic: Something's wrong... Help please. [new version]
Replies: 10
Views: 1952

Re: Something's wrong... I can't find it. Help please.

Oh my god, Blanche. I just spent over an hour working through this thing, and the freaking site logged me out and I lost the whole post. I just don't have the energy to retype everything again at the moment, but if you want, you can PM me and I'd be happy to go through this in MS word and track chan...
by lachrymal
June 21st, 2010, 5:52 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: The Incredible Race Query Letter
Replies: 57
Views: 7077

Re: The Incredible Race Query Letter

Was it not obvious that 'Crumpet Towers' and 'Crumpet Toothpicks' were meant to communicate that the story is... over the top... silly... completely tongue in cheek? Why are people taking this so seriously? I'm sure I'm going to regret this, but I feel compelled to comment. Why are people taking th...
by lachrymal
June 15th, 2010, 6:22 am
Forum: Excerpts
Topic: Born to Die opening *Critique?*
Replies: 8
Views: 1815

Re: Born to Die opening *Critique?*

Chapter 1 I concentrate as hard as I can, but I know I will never do what my father wants; I will never lift the orb. I look into my father's desperate brown eyes. Beads of sweat have formed on his brow [technically, you either need a comma before this conjunction or you could make it a stand alone ...
by lachrymal
June 14th, 2010, 2:48 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: The Incredible Race Query Letter
Replies: 57
Views: 7077

Re: The Incredible Race Query Letter

Sir Hugo Cornelius Crumpet, the multi-millionaire owner of the world's largest toothpick manufacturing company, Crumpet Toothpicks, has passed away at the age of ninety. Happily believing that [you probably don't need this "that"] his estate will be divided evenly amongst the six of them, Sir Hugo's...
by lachrymal
June 13th, 2010, 7:23 am
Forum: Queries
Topic: dirge of the desert - new attempt, new slant
Replies: 50
Views: 7661

Re: dirge of the desert - new attempt, new slant

Hi Lexcade--I've read several of your query versions here, and I really think you're on the right track. There are lots of really clever little phrases in here that make the query enticing and make me want to read more. However, in my humble opinion, your para about Sydel is unnecessary. I think it ...
by lachrymal
June 10th, 2010, 6:24 am
Forum: Queries
Topic: Empty Query (Take 2)
Replies: 12
Views: 1852

Re: Empty Query (Take 2)

On the world of Larynth [comma after this introductory clause] it is common for the state sponsored [this would be hypenated: "state-sponsored"] child to take over the parent’s profession [I'd put a period here, but you could also add a comma. You need one or the other because what follows is an ind...
by lachrymal
June 8th, 2010, 5:43 am
Forum: Queries
Topic: Empty Query (Take 2)
Replies: 12
Views: 1852

Re: Empty Query

You can depict anything you want in a book. Freedom of speech. And there are published books on some very difficult topics, including the ones you list, so this is not new ground. Of course, if you write graphic and/or violent sex scenes involving a minor, that would turn the stomach of just about a...
by lachrymal
June 8th, 2010, 5:35 am
Forum: Queries
Topic: Query for "Problem Child: Confessions of an Aspie" (Take 3)
Replies: 12
Views: 2423

Re: Query for "Problem Child: Confessions of an Aspie" (Take 3)

Hi Daryl--rather than sending out so many queries all at once, how about sending out a few at a time and gauging the response, then revising according to those responses? If you send out everything in one go, you give yourself no opportunity to modify based on feedback. If you send out, say 10 at a ...