Search found 89 matches

by Ghost in the Machine
February 8th, 2010, 5:01 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: Query - The Butterfly Key- revision now on page 6
Replies: 56
Views: 6591

Re: Query - The Butterfly Key- revision now on page 5

Hi Tycoon, Okay, if you won’t stop, then neither will I. I tweak from the goodness of my heart, really. Okay, stop laughing. Dear Agent, Shortly after Christian Bryson promises to fulfill his wife’s dream of starting a family, his Army Reserve unit deploys for war. While on duty, Christian sustains ...
by Ghost in the Machine
February 8th, 2010, 4:41 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: Query Time Tourism again, just when you thought it was over
Replies: 57
Views: 7459

Re: Query Time Tourism again, just when you thought it was over

Hey Christie, You make me laugh. Craptastic – that’s just too perfect. Okay, I’ll tweak. Dear Unattainable Agent, Hurled twenty years into the future, young Jakorus is confronted with a horrifying truth: his world has changed, and it’s his fault. Comment: Is the comma after “changed” really necessar...
by Ghost in the Machine
February 8th, 2010, 4:15 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: The Ghost Posts a Query - 4th try
Replies: 26
Views: 4053

Re: The Ghost Posts a Query - 4th try

Hi Tycoon, Excellent question! The answer is yes to both in a funny way. DeAngelis was the first person to be watched by the Guardian Project before he joined the FBI. But I don't think I'll put that little nugget in the query since backstory is discouraged. So I need to clarify it is the people who...
by Ghost in the Machine
February 8th, 2010, 2:12 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: Query Time Tourism again, just when you thought it was over
Replies: 57
Views: 7459

Re: Query Time Tourism again, just when you thought it was over

Hi Christie, Congrats on getting sharked! This is a tough paragraph. Your version below is much better. I’ll see if I can add anything. Trapped in a time loop, previous Jakorus’ have repeatedly tried to alter the outcome of events, but all efforts make things worse. To prevent the rebellion from blo...
by Ghost in the Machine
February 8th, 2010, 1:28 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: QUERY: What love may do
Replies: 9
Views: 1685

Re: QUERY: What love may do

Hi Christopher, You are so doomed. It doesn’t matter what I say about your query, the word count is completely out of control. From what I can tell, as a newbie myself, agents will not mess around with books over 120 K. And most seem to like a word count closer to 100 K. So now is not the time for q...
by Ghost in the Machine
February 8th, 2010, 12:43 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: Query - The Butterfly Key- revision now on page 6
Replies: 56
Views: 6591

Re: Query - The Butterfly Key- revision now on page 4

Tycoon, What? Red is not your favorite color any more? Okay, I’ll use blue. It’s easier to read anyway. Dear Agent, Shortly after Christian Bryson promises to fulfill his wife’s dream of starting a family, (he learns – cut) his Army Reserve unit deploys for war. (In battle) Christian sustains a woun...
by Ghost in the Machine
February 8th, 2010, 11:19 am
Forum: Queries
Topic: The Ghost Posts a Query - 4th try
Replies: 26
Views: 4053

Re: The Ghost Posts a Query - 4th try

Hi guys, Thanks for all the input. That third paragraph was rough, especially the last lines. Here's my latest effort: When college student Jodie Belay kidnaps a young girl, FBI agent Joel DeAngelis lets it happen. He believes Jodie is saving the three-year-old’s life. Jodie possesses an odd form of...
by Ghost in the Machine
February 5th, 2010, 10:09 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: "View From The Edge of the World" Query
Replies: 19
Views: 2993

Re: "View From The Edge of the World" Query

When I see posthumous outing, I think Weekend at Bernie's. Which is kind of awesome. Yeah, baby! That is freakin' hilarious. But would I still keep 'posthumous outing'? Probably. When I first read it, I thought it was an elegant, succinct way to describe the situation. Then again, I might be reveli...
by Ghost in the Machine
February 5th, 2010, 9:22 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: Query - The Butterfly Key- revision now on page 6
Replies: 56
Views: 6591

Re: Query - The Butterfly Key- Final revision now on page 4

Dear Tycoon, You’ve been getting lots of advice and the query is more focused. But as I read this version, it felt a little bland compared to earlier versions, almost like ‘too many cooks spoiled the pot.’ Of course, I’m one of those cooks. After you decide what changes to take from the forum, I hop...
by Ghost in the Machine
February 5th, 2010, 2:28 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: "View From The Edge of the World" Query
Replies: 19
Views: 2993

Re: "View From The Edge of the World" Query

Howdy Seadhlinn, This is getting better and better. I’ll still tweak anyway. Hope you don’t mind. Dear Fantastic Agent, When Rose MacRae’s family tries to derail her teaching career by marrying her off to a boorish family friend, she storms out of Miller’s Bay, Nova Scotia to start over in the Unite...
by Ghost in the Machine
February 4th, 2010, 2:11 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: "View From The Edge of the World" Query
Replies: 19
Views: 2993

Re: "View From The Edge of the World" Query

Hi Seadhlinn, This is miles, kilometers—choose your favorite standard of measure—better than the first. High-five! Now on to comments and suggestions: Dear Awesomely Cool Agent, When Rose MacRae’s family tries to derail her career plans by marrying her off to a boorish family friend, she storms out ...
by Ghost in the Machine
February 4th, 2010, 12:12 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: Query - The Butterfly Key- revision now on page 6
Replies: 56
Views: 6591

Re: Query -- The Butterfly Key -- Complete revision ON PAGE 2

Hi Tycoon, This latest version is powerful and the tone has a nice reverence that shows you can write to your audience. My suggestions below are just tweaks. Some of your sentences are a little too long for my taste, but I found no real errors. Dear Agent, Shortly after Christian Bryson promises to ...
by Ghost in the Machine
February 4th, 2010, 11:47 am
Forum: Queries
Topic: Query Time Tourism again, just when you thought it was over
Replies: 57
Views: 7459

Re: Query Time Tourism Edited Again (please don't hate me)

The new paragraphs sound good. You could lose the word "open" before war for better flow.

I also like the way you all resolved the love-triangle problem. Very cool.

Ghost in the Machine
by Ghost in the Machine
February 4th, 2010, 10:18 am
Forum: Queries
Topic: The Ghost Posts a Query - 4th try
Replies: 26
Views: 4053

Re: The Ghost Posts a Query - 2nd try

Hi All, Yoshima and Justine: Thank you for your insightful comments. I used every one and polished off the 2nd version to my satisfaction. However, version two is almost 300 words long and for some agents, that won’t work. Below is a shorter version (238 words) in which I considered Kirril’s observa...
by Ghost in the Machine
February 3rd, 2010, 1:29 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: Query - The Butterfly Key- revision now on page 6
Replies: 56
Views: 6591

Re: Query -- The Butterfly Key -- 1st revision

Hi Tycoon, I like the story-in-a-story thing and the first query—especially since the title is part of the frame. But that’s just me. I found all the earlier comments about which adverb to use somewhat amusing. I may be ignorant of a frame-prejudice, but I know all about the adverb-prejudice. Cut th...