Search found 89 matches

by Ghost in the Machine
May 12th, 2010, 11:38 am
Forum: Queries
Topic: BROKEN MIRROR, new query, new delivery
Replies: 38
Views: 5536

Re: BROKEN MIRROR, new query, new delivery

Hi Serzen, I’ve been following your work for some time now. But be warned, the following critique has teeth. I anticipate a similarly sharp rebuttal. First impressions: The first paragraph is useless. It’s way too confusing and tells us nothing. Sorry! I’m a fan, but this doesn’t work. Rewrites are ...
by Ghost in the Machine
April 28th, 2010, 2:35 pm
Forum: Finding An Agent
Topic: Kick-Thyself Moments
Replies: 19
Views: 6932

Re: Kick-Thyself Moments

Hi Yoshima,

I have made so many query blunders since starting last August, I posted them on my blog (see link below). They're under the title: My Beef with the Query Process.

Ghost
by Ghost in the Machine
April 21st, 2010, 9:47 pm
Forum: Excerpts
Topic: Intro and Outro
Replies: 12
Views: 2215

Re: Intro and Outro

Hi Serzen, I like these new pieces—a lot. Come off the fence! I know you don’t want editing advice, but you know me. I can’t help myself. The first few paragraphs are rough because they sound like a screenplay. The actions and descriptions are so simple and basic it feels far away, like I’m in the s...
by Ghost in the Machine
April 15th, 2010, 4:54 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: New query for The Devil You Don't Know
Replies: 16
Views: 3108

Re: New query for The Devil You Don't Know

Hi Terry, I’ve read all the feedback and would like to add my two bits. But first, I’m fascinated by this discussion on feedback etiquette. If rewriting portions of someone’s query is rude, then I must be public enemy number one. Like Brian, I understand how this could be taken badly, but gee-whiz g...
by Ghost in the Machine
April 15th, 2010, 2:25 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: Query: A BEAUTIFUL MONSTER
Replies: 20
Views: 3156

Re: Query: A BEAUTIFUL MONSTER

Hi Hanna, Here’s some ideas: Seventeen-year-old Nicola Summers is surprised to find her boyfriend Tristan chained in the driveway after being beaten by a street gang. She doesn’t understand his desperation for her to abandon him, especially when a storm is rolling in, and does her best to liberate h...
by Ghost in the Machine
April 6th, 2010, 9:20 am
Forum: Excerpts
Topic: Sample Page, extra eyes needed
Replies: 32
Views: 5067

Re: Sample Page, extra eyes needed

Hi Serzen, I'm laughing at your reply to my post, but at myself. I know the genders of the characters are not supposed to be known. I just got lazy with my commenting because it is work not to identify the gender as you write. Same with punctuation. It's a habit hard to break. Your description of mu...
by Ghost in the Machine
April 1st, 2010, 10:51 am
Forum: Excerpts
Topic: Sample Page, extra eyes needed
Replies: 32
Views: 5067

Re: Sample Page, extra eyes needed

Hi Serzen, This may be folly, but I feel the need to edit. Who knows? Maybe something here will strike you as useful. Comment: I’m seeing a repetition of certain words. Maybe it’s deliberate, maybe not. I would be tempted not to repeat words like “home” or “feeling” too many times. Also, I’m going t...
by Ghost in the Machine
March 31st, 2010, 10:40 am
Forum: Excerpts
Topic: Sample Page, extra eyes needed
Replies: 32
Views: 5067

Re: Sample Page, extra eyes needed

Hi Serzen, I like the third version of the victim’s tale with the details because it was familiar to me. The style was more comfortable, and the voice sounded alive, normal, and one-of-us. I could also detect that you weren't thrilled doing it that way. Things like “The last I saw of you was your na...
by Ghost in the Machine
March 23rd, 2010, 9:22 am
Forum: Excerpts
Topic: Sample Page, extra eyes needed
Replies: 32
Views: 5067

Re: Sample Page, extra eyes needed

Hi Serzen, If people must fling food my way, I prefer vegetables over cookies, as long as they’re fresh. Tomatoes, cucumbers, and carrots would make a nice salad. Okay, enough of the food channel. Based on my inside knowledge of the situation, this is a good start. But why, oh why, must this new voi...
by Ghost in the Machine
March 13th, 2010, 9:17 am
Forum: Queries
Topic: A BROKEN MIRROR -- new query
Replies: 15
Views: 2633

Re: A BROKEN MIRROR -- new query

Hi Serzen, I enjoyed reading your defense of your word count, but then realized something about it sounded familiar. Oh yeah. People with huge word counts come up with a similar defense: J.K.Rowling does it, Stephen King does it, so why can’t I have agents take my 150,000 word masterpiece seriously?...
by Ghost in the Machine
March 10th, 2010, 9:57 am
Forum: Queries
Topic: A BROKEN MIRROR -- new query
Replies: 15
Views: 2633

Re: A BROKEN MIRROR -- new query

Hi Serzen, I have to agree with the other comments. The writing is alluring, but the lack of concrete plot elements is frustrating. I know that is how the book itself is presented to the reader. But remember, getting an agent to read the book is a different exercise than getting someone to buy it in...
by Ghost in the Machine
March 10th, 2010, 9:27 am
Forum: Finding An Agent
Topic: Request for a Full MS - It came...the rejection.
Replies: 57
Views: 7604

Re: Request for a Full MS - It came...the rejection.

Hey Justine, Rejection really stinks! Stinks, I say. Worse than the blue cheese moldering in my fridge. Wait. That’s mac and cheese? Ewww. I read your blog the other day and was stunned. You just started reading for pleasure a year ago and already produced two separate manuscripts that got requests ...
by Ghost in the Machine
February 23rd, 2010, 9:59 am
Forum: Queries
Topic: Kill My Query Mk-IV
Replies: 19
Views: 3501

Re: Kill My Query Mk-IV

Hi Kirril, I like Version B. It has much better flow and is less confusing. The tone is quite different. The teenybopper comment is funny, but is that the tone of your book? From the first set of queries, I imagined the book’s tone very dark and serious. I pictured Lucas tortured and horrified of hi...
by Ghost in the Machine
February 22nd, 2010, 9:33 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: Dragon
Replies: 37
Views: 5511

Re: QUERY: THE LAST DRAGON (YA-Fantasy)

Hi Johydai, It’s been a while! This query is looking good. The first paragraph has really evolved. The only thing left to do is tighten things up. I’m probably repeating other's suggestions. Most girls dream of becoming a princess, but Nadine is far from the typical seventeen-year-old maiden. When K...
by Ghost in the Machine
February 22nd, 2010, 9:04 pm
Forum: Finding An Agent
Topic: Query Cycles
Replies: 8
Views: 1344

Re: Query Cycles

Hi Christi, This query process is such a beast. I feel like I’m in a pitch-black room throwing query-darts randomly without knowing upon which wall the target is posted. For all I know the target’s on the ceiling. I think we should lobby for a Query-Relief Act. Here’s my plan for agents who give for...