Search found 89 matches

by Ghost in the Machine
June 3rd, 2010, 10:20 am
Forum: Queries
Topic: Query/fantasy - With All That I Am / 4th Version
Replies: 18
Views: 2677

Re: Query/fantasy - With All That I Am / 4th Version

Hi Joel Q. This new version does an excellent job explaining the details of the story and clearing up everyone’s questions. But—I know, ugh—the query is now on the long and laborious side. You have the maddening task of striking a balance between clarity and brevity. I’m struggling with this one mys...
by Ghost in the Machine
June 2nd, 2010, 12:15 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: dirge of the desert - new attempt, new slant
Replies: 50
Views: 7195

Re: dirge of the desert - new attempt, new slant

Hi Lexicade, I’ve only read this version, not the entire thread, so please keep that in mind. Dear Agent: Broken lives, destroyed families, murders—geneticist Janelle Gray is responsible, and she doesn’t even know it. Her technology was supposed to revolutionize the Humani Project, the government-fu...
by Ghost in the Machine
June 2nd, 2010, 11:28 am
Forum: Queries
Topic: Query: GHOSTS VS ALIENS
Replies: 24
Views: 3698

Re: Query: GHOSTS VS ALIENS

How does "humanity" work for you guys as opposed to "everyone"? Like it. Should I put the first sentence in present tense: The day humanity dies sucks for Lucy? Yes. Is it clearer now that this is taking place in the afterlife? Yes. Did I manage to clarify without sending the voice to the afterlife?...
by Ghost in the Machine
June 2nd, 2010, 11:07 am
Forum: Queries
Topic: Revised query for DEVIL
Replies: 5
Views: 1081

Re: Revised query for DEVIL

Hi Terry, Welcome back. I like where you start this new query much better than the older version. It pops. In fact the first two paragraphs are really good. I just have a couple tweaks: Newspaper editor Michael Reed takes a frantic call from a former nun, begging him to meet her son . She claims fif...
by Ghost in the Machine
June 2nd, 2010, 10:43 am
Forum: Queries
Topic: Hang A Shining Star- contemporary women's fiction
Replies: 17
Views: 2691

Re: Hang A Shining Star- contemporary women's fiction

Hi Writeaskew, Things are moving in the right direction. It’s hard to know when to stop and say, this is it, I’m ready to query. But if you want to keep going, I’ll throw in some more points to ponder. 1. Each paragraph starts with the word ‘Barbara.’ Consider varying the sentence structure to chang...
by Ghost in the Machine
June 2nd, 2010, 10:20 am
Forum: Queries
Topic: Query for Thriller - Fresh Meat, Notes to Commenters
Replies: 28
Views: 4189

Re: Query for Thriller - Boo, I'm ba-ack, again

Yes, I know the names Joel and Jodie are too close. It used to be worse. Luke's first name was John and the mother of the kidnapped kid was Janie. I should just suck it up and change one of these 'J' names, but I've grown attached. Plus, these two characters don't come face to face until one brief s...
by Ghost in the Machine
June 1st, 2010, 10:48 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: Query for Thriller - Fresh Meat, Notes to Commenters
Replies: 28
Views: 4189

Re: Query for Thriller - Boo, I'm ba-ack

Whoa, you guys are way faster than the Query Shark, and you have really opened my eyes. I am so glad I didn't send this puppy out to any agents. Sorry about the mess. Okay, bon voyage Luke and Rebecca. You're great characters, but I gotta stick with DeAngelis for the lead. He has the widest perspect...
by Ghost in the Machine
June 1st, 2010, 12:33 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: Query for Thriller - Fresh Meat, Notes to Commenters
Replies: 28
Views: 4189

Query for Thriller - Fresh Meat, Notes to Commenters

Stop! Scroll down for fourth attempt (now on page 2). Hello All, I’ve been querying for a while with little results. I need a new approach. Here is the pitch portion of my latest query for a paranormal thriller: Ringing phones make Detective Luke Frawley growl, especially on his catch-up day. Even ...
by Ghost in the Machine
June 1st, 2010, 10:51 am
Forum: Queries
Topic: QUERY for historical novel
Replies: 8
Views: 1396

Re: QUERY for historical novel

Hi Mountain Lion, I second Quill on the last paragraph. Tell us exactly how each boy is an outsider and what events are shaping them into men in the earlier paragraphs. Perhaps you can illustrate the parallelism in the sentence structure and word choice so you don’t have to ‘tell’ it. Ghost in the M...
by Ghost in the Machine
June 1st, 2010, 10:38 am
Forum: Queries
Topic: Hang A Shining Star- contemporary women's fiction
Replies: 17
Views: 2691

Re: Hang A Shining Star- contemporary women's fiction

Hi Writeaskew, I love the doll in the fireplace detail. That is awesome—funny and sad. I have a three-year-old with a major attachment to a pricey doll, so this hit me on all sorts of levels. A quick fix on the length would be to drop the second paragraph and replace it with a good transition senten...
by Ghost in the Machine
June 1st, 2010, 10:17 am
Forum: Queries
Topic: BROKEN MIRROR, new query, new delivery
Replies: 38
Views: 5357

Re: BROKEN MIRROR, new query, new delivery

Hi Serzen, So you’ve come full circle. This version is much stronger than the old one that ran along these lines. I can understand not wanting to base the query on the afterlife portion, if that is just a small part of the book. If the agent you query does have an interest in the paranormal, that ve...
by Ghost in the Machine
May 18th, 2010, 12:33 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: BROKEN MIRROR, new query, new delivery
Replies: 38
Views: 5357

Re: BROKEN MIRROR, new query, new delivery

Hi Serzen, This is better. As for Mark and his thoughts on the opening, he is right. If your query is not in second person, you can put the info. about genre, title, and comp. at the end. If the query ends up in second person, then we need to know that first. In paragraph one, ‘gruesome outbursts’ i...
by Ghost in the Machine
May 14th, 2010, 11:02 am
Forum: Queries
Topic: BROKEN MIRROR, new query, new delivery
Replies: 38
Views: 5357

Re: BROKEN MIRROR, new query, new delivery

Hi Serzen, Your pretty words are like snakes strangling the flow of the sentences and covering up the plot. Maybe there are agents who would respond favorably, but I worry about this query—it still hints at the story. Nitpick No. 1: If this person has killed others and doesn’t realize it, how can th...
by Ghost in the Machine
May 13th, 2010, 12:44 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: Query: Defender of the Crown
Replies: 27
Views: 3054

Re: Query: Defender of the Crown

Hi Gilesth, I’m thinking of changing my name to NeverStopsTweaking. Or maybe that can be my Indian name ala Dances With Wolves. Nicholas Benson never meant to kill anyone. At (the age of-omit) thirteen, he (creates-unleashes) a lightning storm to (defend himself from-ward off) a schoolyard bully. ( ...
by Ghost in the Machine
May 13th, 2010, 12:08 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: BROKEN MIRROR, new query, new delivery
Replies: 38
Views: 5357

Re: BROKEN MIRROR, new query, new delivery

Hi Serzen, Oh boy. Second and third paragraphs overflowing with ‘your’ and ‘you’, but I guess that’s an unavoidable side affect of the 2nd person narration. Moving the info about the word count and second person narration to the front is smart. Good call Ink. But you still aren’t telling us what the...