Search found 53 matches

by OneChoice1
June 30th, 2010, 3:04 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: Query: Use Somebody *Updated*
Replies: 31
Views: 4920

Re: Query: Use Somebody *Updated*

Well that's good to hear :D Thanks!


*Rewrite #11 is on the 4th page*
by OneChoice1
June 30th, 2010, 2:46 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: Jade´s Hurricane Query
Replies: 19
Views: 3126

Re: Jade´s Hurricane Query

Your story sounds interesting. I love the name Jade. ;) I agree with some of lmjackson's comments, but here are my suggestions. Hope I can help. Hi everyone! When you finish commenting, could you let me know the title of your query so I can critique it too? It´s all about sharing the luff folks! Now...
by OneChoice1
June 29th, 2010, 10:37 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: Query: Use Somebody *Updated*
Replies: 31
Views: 4920

Re: Query: Use Somebody *Updated*

Oh wow, oh wow. Penang and Emily J, thank you guys so much. You both are too right. I loved many of your suggestions Penang, and Emily J, you brought this to light: Also, your protag is a convicted murderer. I must admit that felt a bit glossed over in the query. If she really killed someone then I ...
by OneChoice1
June 27th, 2010, 10:32 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: Query: Use Somebody *Updated*
Replies: 31
Views: 4920

Re: Query: Use Somebody *Updated*

Instead of "Use Somebody" as the title of my novel, what do you think of RUNNING FROM THE LIGHT?
by OneChoice1
June 27th, 2010, 5:19 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: New Query for RONNIE FOR REAL
Replies: 37
Views: 6232

Re: Query for RONNIE IN HIGH SCHOOL

Here is my 2nd attempt at a query for my YA novel. (I have replaced the original with Version #2.) Feedback greatly appreciated! <3 Dear Agent Name, I have chosen to submit a query to you because [insert personalized stuff here]. RONNIE IN HIGH SCHOOL is a young adult novel told in two parts: Fresh...
by OneChoice1
June 27th, 2010, 4:00 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: Query: Use Somebody *Updated*
Replies: 31
Views: 4920

Re: Query: Use Somebody *Updated*

You made very good points Mfreivald, thank you. With everyone's help, I'm starting to like this query *lol* So tell me...what's good, bad, ugly? *This is #5* Dear [ Agent’s name ]: Seventeen year old Rachel McSwain is serving a life sentence for murder and identity theft when she’s handed a deal fro...
by OneChoice1
June 26th, 2010, 5:00 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: Query: Use Somebody *Updated*
Replies: 31
Views: 4920

Re: Query: Use Somebody *Updated*

Merci beaucoup Meredith for sticking with the progress of this query of mine :D What do you guys think of these synonyms for "couldn't care less"? --apathetic --indifferent --unbothered --unmoved --impassive --insensible --unresponsive --cynical --untouched --emotionless --unaffected --unimpressed L...
by OneChoice1
June 26th, 2010, 2:29 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: Query: Use Somebody *Updated*
Replies: 31
Views: 4920

Re: Query: Use Somebody *Updated*

Thank you Quill and Mfreivald for your in-depth critiques and thorough explanations. I'm sure you know how much it helps. *This is #4, but the latest rewrite is on the 4th page* Dear [ Agent’s name ]: Seventeen year old Rachel McSwain is serving a life sentence for murder and identity theft when she...
by OneChoice1
June 26th, 2010, 5:31 am
Forum: Queries
Topic: BLOOD WILL TELL, Urban Fantasy, Temporarily Retired
Replies: 34
Views: 5094

Re: BLOOD WILL TELL, Urban Fantasy, third version

Last(?) Version: Valeriah is half werewolf, unable to take wolf form but still inconveniently driven by the full moon. [By this, you mean she gets a surge of power, strength, and energy? Driven to prowl? Hungry to eat raw meat? Madness?] Running helps; a tired werewolf is a good werewolf. [Cute.] H...
by OneChoice1
June 26th, 2010, 4:38 am
Forum: Queries
Topic: New Query for RONNIE FOR REAL
Replies: 37
Views: 6232

Re: Query for RONNIE IN HIGH SCHOOL

This is my first attempt at a query for my YA novel. Feedback greatly appreciated! <3 Dear Agent Name, I have chosen to submit a query to you because [insert personalized stuff here]. RONNIE IN HIGH SCHOOL is a young adult novel in two parts: Freshman Year and Senior Year. The manuscript is complet...
by OneChoice1
June 26th, 2010, 3:29 am
Forum: Queries
Topic: Query: Use Somebody *Updated*
Replies: 31
Views: 4920

Re: Query: Use Somebody *Updated*

*This is #3* Dear [ Agent’s name ]: Rachel McSwain never wants or asks for help. The first time she accepts it she winds up serving a life sentence. The second, she’s being implanted with a cerebral microchip by the government and shipped across the pond to a remote Washington town. Disturbed and b...
by OneChoice1
June 23rd, 2010, 11:54 am
Forum: Queries
Topic: Quantrill's Raiders - Historical Fiction
Replies: 5
Views: 1457

Re: Quantrill's Raiders - Historical Fiction

First attempt at a query. Ouch! Dear _______, (some kind of smoozing here) The Civil War dooms 18-year-old Cole Younger's life of privilege in Jackson County, Missouri. His father is murdered, their property seized, and the family home burned down by the Union Army. [Great start for conflict and lo...
by OneChoice1
June 23rd, 2010, 2:58 am
Forum: Queries
Topic: BLOOD WILL TELL, Urban Fantasy, Temporarily Retired
Replies: 34
Views: 5094

Re: BLOOD WILL TELL, Urban Fantasy, third version

I just noticed something. Since you identify where Crystal will be hidden away (Los Angeles), why not name the planet/realm/universe where there are magical creatures? Unless they are on Earth the whole time..
by OneChoice1
June 23rd, 2010, 2:30 am
Forum: Queries
Topic: Query: Use Somebody *Updated*
Replies: 31
Views: 4920

Re: Query: Use Somebody *Updated*

*This is version 2* Dear [ Agent’s name ]: Seventeen year old Rachel McSwain is serving a life sentence for murder and identity theft when she is handed a deal from the US government. In exchange for only three months in prison, she agrees to be experimented on. The government places Rachel in a re...
by OneChoice1
June 23rd, 2010, 1:32 am
Forum: Queries
Topic: Query: Use Somebody *Updated*
Replies: 31
Views: 4920

Re: Query: Use Somebody *Updated*

To clear up some confusion... 1) Meredith was right in guessing that the government experiment was the cause of Rachel believing she has thirteen months to live. 2) The menace is Alan in Rachel's POV. Thank you mfreivald :D I will be working on expressing Rachel's resentment more, and fixing the fir...