Search found 53 matches

by OneChoice1
December 16th, 2013, 3:03 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: Query Help: Death has a daughter
Replies: 3
Views: 1939

Re: Query Help: Death has a daughter

This sounds really interesting :D Thank you for the feedback, here is my second attempt. :) Dear Agent, Ever wake up with a vague feeling of unease that you can’t quite put your finger on? When your inner voice is screaming at you to be careful, for something is lurking in the shadows, stalking you....
by OneChoice1
December 16th, 2013, 2:16 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: YA Query help for Eager, Terrifed Newbie
Replies: 3
Views: 2063

Re: YA Query help for Eager, Terrifed Newbie

Together, Vincent, his creator, and a young couple who get pulled into the adventure flee to China to escape the Commander’s reach. That's where they meet the Tara-Chi, an ancient tribe of warrior monks sworn to protect the Field. Through the Tara-Chi, they learn that a hole has appeared in the Fie...
by OneChoice1
December 15th, 2013, 4:28 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: YA Query help for Eager, Terrifed Newbie
Replies: 3
Views: 2063

Re: YA Query help for Eager, Terrifed Newbie

Hi all, I know that I'm new here, but I would really love to hear your opinions of my query letter. I didn't discover this community until I started the publication process, so please forgive my lack of past participation. I hope to be of assistance to future queriers going forward. Anyways, withou...
by OneChoice1
July 15th, 2010, 1:58 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: Is There Anything For Me? query (women's fiction) Revised
Replies: 10
Views: 1729

Re: Is There Anything For Me? query (women's fiction)

Hi all. I'm new here. Hi! I just started the process of querying. I'd appreciate any feedback on my query letter. Thanks a lot. I hope I can help :) Dear Agent: I'm saying this just in case, make sure to replace "Agent" with the Agent's name. Mr. ???, Mrs. ???, Ms. ???. Whatever they say on their w...
by OneChoice1
July 15th, 2010, 3:29 am
Forum: Excerpts
Topic: BLOOD WILL TELL, Urban Fantasy, Revised
Replies: 10
Views: 1742

Re: BLOOD WILL TELL, Urban Fantasy

I've just been through a revision, mostly of the first chapters of this. Here's the first page and a half, or so: Chapter 1: A Death in the Family Valeriah hurdled [I second, third, whatever. I agree you should replace "hurdled." But how you have it now, shouldn't it be: hurdled through?] the locke...
by OneChoice1
July 15th, 2010, 2:24 am
Forum: Excerpts
Topic: First Page YA: opinions on voice and technique appreciated
Replies: 30
Views: 5768

Re: First Page YA: opinions on voice and technique appreciated

After reading many of the excerpts in this forum, I'm often left with that I'm-not-worthy-to-circle-your-typos kinda feeling. (But I'll be brave and post.) This is the first page of a YA manuscript I'm writing. If I had to do a one-sentence summary it would be: A teenage girl grieves her best frien...
by OneChoice1
July 15th, 2010, 12:28 am
Forum: Queries
Topic: Alamandine's Song Query
Replies: 22
Views: 3244

Re: Alamandine's Song Query

Going a different direction- Lemme know what you think. I wanted to come with fresh eyes, so I didn't read the other versions yet. Hope you don't mind. BTW, I'm critiquing as I read along. To say that Alamandine “Mandi” Croach [Even if I've seen this done before, I like you introduce her nickname.]...
by OneChoice1
July 14th, 2010, 9:48 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: Query: Use Somebody *Updated*
Replies: 31
Views: 4987

Re: Query: Use Somebody *Updated*

#11 Dear [ Agent’s name ]: Rashel McSwain’s always running in England--from her abusive father, bullets, and now prison. Poisoning judges for a million dollars was a success; fleeing away to get her hands on the money...not so much. Rashel’s conviction isn’t determined in court, though. Officials w...
by OneChoice1
July 13th, 2010, 6:43 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: Query: Use Somebody *Updated*
Replies: 31
Views: 4987

Re: Query: Use Somebody *Updated*

Any critiquers?
by OneChoice1
July 9th, 2010, 4:08 am
Forum: Queries
Topic: Query: Use Somebody *Updated*
Replies: 31
Views: 4987

Re: Query: Use Somebody *Updated*

Thanks Emily J for being stern with me. Hopefully my rewrites get better and better. Obviously I'm not quitting. With that said, *This is #10* Dear [ Agent’s name ]: Rachel McSwain’s always running--from her abusive father, bullets, and now prison. She’s serving a life sentence for murder before she...
by OneChoice1
July 6th, 2010, 1:33 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: Another Query attempt
Replies: 25
Views: 3919

Re: Another Query attempt

Dear Agent, Vitiosus, the dark warrior prince, is feared by all of Lassertian. But in this war-loving land, where the lesser humans are hunted and hung, Vitiosus secretly longs for something no warrior would ever consider - peace. [Make the dash in front of " peace " an em dash (—).] [I agree, good...
by OneChoice1
July 6th, 2010, 12:58 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: Query: Use Somebody *Updated*
Replies: 31
Views: 4987

Re: Query: Use Somebody *Updated*

Thank you Meredith for pointing out the things you did! Well I don't know if this is any better, but it's what I have so far. *This is #9* Dear [ Agent’s name ]: Rachel McSwain’s always running. From her abusive father, bullets, cops, and now prison. She’s serving a life sentence for murder before s...
by OneChoice1
July 5th, 2010, 3:56 am
Forum: Queries
Topic: Query: Use Somebody *Updated*
Replies: 31
Views: 4987

Re: Query: Use Somebody *Updated*

Merci beaucoup Quill. At least I had a good start ;). I have " blah blah blah ," because I'm still editing/rewriting my story. But I'm aiming for 100,000-120,000 words. I believe that's a good range.. *This is #8* Dear [ Agent’s name ]: Rachel McSwain’s always running. From her abusive father, bulle...
by OneChoice1
July 4th, 2010, 12:28 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: Query - 'When Sleeping Girls Wake'
Replies: 11
Views: 2062

Re: Query - 'When Sleeping Girls Wake'

This has been through several revisions. I'd appreciate any help or comments to get to a final version. Thanks, in advance. Dear Agent; David Harvey has a college degree, but no prospects, no interests, and a dead end job as a cashier in a grocery store. Your first sentence doesn't hold my attentio...
by OneChoice1
July 4th, 2010, 4:35 am
Forum: Queries
Topic: Query: Use Somebody *Updated*
Replies: 31
Views: 4987

Re: Query: Use Somebody *Updated*

Thanks Penang. I might just say Inspirational YA In an effort to make this query more solid than soup [thanks Ellie G, BTW :D], I came up with: *This is #7* Dear [ Agent’s name ]: Rachel McSwain's always running. From her abusive father, bullets, and cops. When she's betrayed by a co-conspirator, Ra...