Search found 93 matches

by Yoshima
January 26th, 2010, 4:40 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: query - dirge of the desert
Replies: 25
Views: 3145

Re: query - dirge of the desert

Hey lexcade! Here's some more feedback. **Hey, folks! Figured why not? Everyone else is doing it, and I want to be one of the cool kids** Dear Agent, As though waking up strapped to a table wasn’t bad enough, (I think this would be a stronger setence without the "as though..." thing. Maybe incorpora...
by Yoshima
January 25th, 2010, 5:32 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: Fiction Query-2nd Try (Less fluff more stuff)
Replies: 11
Views: 2384

Re: Fiction Query-2nd Try (Less fluff more stuff)

*listens* You hear that, Mr. Stricklen? It's called the JACKPOT. You've hit it, sir. This query is right on the money!! The suspense is there, I was on the edge of my seat the whole freakin' time I was reading it...great job! How about more suspense? I am going to jump off a bridge how would that be...
by Yoshima
January 23rd, 2010, 11:16 am
Forum: Queries
Topic: Query Status: Under Construction
Replies: 30
Views: 5198

Re: Query Status: Under Construction

After taking a break and getting comfortable with the beginning of my first year in college (Oh yeah!) (Ah, freshman year...*sigh* I'm a junior and still haven't learned any study skills...) , I'm back to have others crack the whip on this query of mine. So please, by all means, tear into it. (Will...
by Yoshima
January 22nd, 2010, 5:41 pm
Forum: Excerpts
Topic: Excerpt - The Dim Man
Replies: 5
Views: 1602

Re: Excerpt - The Dim Man

Agreed. It's so hard to open yourself up to critique. Kudos, Ermo! Here's my thoughts, and remember that this is your piece. Don't let anyone screw with your writing or tell you how to screw with your writing (because there's a good chance those two instances will screw it up). Now then! :) On to th...
by Yoshima
January 21st, 2010, 1:03 am
Forum: Queries
Topic: Fiction Query-2nd Try (Less fluff more stuff)
Replies: 11
Views: 2384

Re: Fiction Query-2nd Try (Less fluff more stuff)

Hello, again! I'll try to help as best I can. Am I getting closer? (Yes, sir! :) ) Latest attempt below... Dear Ms. Readmuch Sixteen-year-old Brian Hummel can’t help but roll his eyes at his Grandmother’s latest prediction. As far back as she can remember, townspeople have vanished at Blackwater Pon...
by Yoshima
January 21st, 2010, 12:33 am
Forum: Finding An Agent
Topic: The literary agent is also a practicing author - say what?
Replies: 63
Views: 8771

Re: The literary agent is also a practicing author - say what?

Then again, who knows... maybe this person IS delving into the slush pile in search of stuff... did anybody here submit anything even remotely like The Space Kapow or whatever it's called? Okay, Username. You love your book. We get it. You feel strongly about this topic. That's totally fine; it mak...
by Yoshima
January 20th, 2010, 10:20 pm
Forum: Finding An Agent
Topic: The literary agent is also a practicing author - say what?
Replies: 63
Views: 8771

Re: The literary agent is also a practicing author - say what?

Also, one faintly stuffy question: but how many of you here are published novelists? Well, we are discussing your little dilemma in the "All Things FINDING AN AGENT" forum. I must wonder why someone who said we people can't read worth a damn would ask a question that could be easily answered by rea...
by Yoshima
January 18th, 2010, 5:24 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: AUTUMN LEAVES - Query Help
Replies: 19
Views: 3511

Re: AUTUMN LEAVES - Query Help

I agree with dankrubis's analysis, especially the part about the last sentence of the first paragraph. To me, it feels like telling. Here's my thought: so Nathan is manipulating her mind. I hear what dankrubis is saying about adding intrigue by not telling us his power, but I think it's crucial for ...
by Yoshima
January 18th, 2010, 5:08 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: Fiction Query-2nd Try (Less fluff more stuff)
Replies: 11
Views: 2384

Re: Fiction Query-2nd Try (Less fluff more stuff)

Hello, again. First off, holy cow, there is so much more story here than in your first query. Now we're gettin' somewhere! ;) More specific comments below. Hope they help! Dear Ms. Near an old farming town there is a small but deep body of water called Blackwater Pond. No one has ever been able to r...
by Yoshima
January 16th, 2010, 9:56 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: Query--Sendek--3rd revision page 2
Replies: 25
Views: 8580

Re: Query--Sendek

Hello, charity_bradford! I agree; it is pretty long. Here's more specific thoughts: Alright, here is my first draft of my query for my WIP Sendek . I think it is too long. What do you think? Any and all suggestions are appreciated. Thanks! Dear Mr. _________, In a world that has chosen science over ...
by Yoshima
January 15th, 2010, 6:00 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: My Query For Critique
Replies: 8
Views: 1479

Re: My Query For Critique

Hello, David! I agree with most of what Krista G. said. I just have a few things to add. Take my suggestions only if they feel right for you; I'm no expert on queries: Dear Ms. Hard Toplease I wrote a novel that I hope is right for you. My story fits into the category of one of your favorite genres,...
by Yoshima
January 14th, 2010, 5:57 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: Query Critique - Annevra Waiting - YA fiction
Replies: 6
Views: 1398

Re: Query Critique - Annevra Waiting - YA fiction

Hello, there. :) Here's my thoughts as I was reading: Wow, I realize now how much I need to take out my fancy way of saying she only saw visions of things that happened in the past xP It sounds like she saw Koda walking down the street a week before the Revolution--what I actually meant was those we...
by Yoshima
January 13th, 2010, 10:03 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: AUTUMN LEAVES - Query Help
Replies: 19
Views: 3511

Re: AUTUMN LEAVES - Query Help

I agree with dankrubis about the "father" vs. "dad" thing. Dad's too informal a term to make him seem scary. Also agree that "the" would make "Lumen" seem more like a race of people rather than just a name. I was so-so about the phrase "revelation of a new world." Whenever I hear that phrase, I thin...
by Yoshima
January 12th, 2010, 11:13 am
Forum: Queries
Topic: Query: Defender of the Crown v4
Replies: 11
Views: 1744

Re: Query: Defender of the Crown v4

Agree with Ink--it's a solid query, but if you're looking to stand out a little flair wouldn't hurt. These are all just suggestions. Hope they help! I've been revising this over the holidays, and with Nathan's post yesterday, I realize that this needs to be really eye-catching if it's going to make ...
by Yoshima
January 10th, 2010, 8:51 am
Forum: Queries
Topic: AUTUMN LEAVES - Query Help
Replies: 19
Views: 3511

Re: AUTUMN LEAVES - Query Help

Glad I could help the first time 'round. :) Hope this helps, too. Revision 1: Seventeen-year-old Autumn Reed can control the four elements, which sounds great in theory, but not when it rips apart her family and ignites a war (A much better opening than before, but I feel like you've got two big ide...