Search found 93 matches

by Yoshima
February 1st, 2010, 5:57 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: Dreamtraveler Query: Covenant (YA Fantasy)
Replies: 17
Views: 3429

Re: Dreamtraveler Query: Covenant (YA Fantasy)

Okay, here's some specifics. I took liberties with writing a long paragraph because I will not have anything else to include in a query as I don't have any "credits" to my name. (other than a few goofy contests) (Same here...*sigh*) So, I know this is long, but here goes: This is for the book COVENA...
by Yoshima
February 1st, 2010, 12:02 am
Forum: Queries
Topic: Kill My Query Mk-IV
Replies: 19
Views: 3511

Re: Kill my Query Mk-2

Me again. :) I think both blurbs have strong points. I think combining them might work well. More specific suggetions below. Since the murder of his parents a year ago, twenty-six-year-old Lucas Fowler has been avoiding death more than living life. But when a mind-controlling rogue wants him to kill...
by Yoshima
January 31st, 2010, 9:16 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: Query advice for Time Tourism
Replies: 2
Views: 667

Re: Query advice for Time Tourism

Dear Great and Noble Agent of Oz, I am seeking representation. (If you're querying, this goes without saying.) My completed manuscript, “Time Tourism,” is a fantasy-adventure-romance chapter book with a target audience of young adult readers, but will also appeal to older adults. (narrow your genre ...
by Yoshima
January 31st, 2010, 11:10 am
Forum: Queries
Topic: query - dirge of the desert
Replies: 25
Views: 3183

Re: query - dirge of the desert

To me the query didn't feel too long, but...it is pretty long, now that I look at it. If there's any easy (or not-so-easy) cuts you can make, make them. I made some suggestions; hope they help! Dear Agent: After waking up covered in panther fur and with no memory of her past, Dima quickly learns th...
by Yoshima
January 30th, 2010, 11:48 am
Forum: Writing
Topic: Attachment to your first draft?
Replies: 11
Views: 1982

Re: Attachment to your first draft?

I had that same problem a few months ago. I was pretty darn set on having a few events in the story stay the same from first to second draft because I loved certain phrases and couldn't stand parting with them. Then I decided it was time to have someone critique my work. I don't know about anyone el...
by Yoshima
January 30th, 2010, 1:22 am
Forum: Queries
Topic: query - dirge of the desert
Replies: 25
Views: 3183

Re: query - dirge of the desert

Dear Agent: After waking (up) covered in black fur and with no memory of her past, Dima quickly learns that her life is not hers to control. Her name, her daily schedule, and her decisions belong to the scientists behind the Humani Project. (Loved this hook. Such an improvement!!) As she interacts ...
by Yoshima
January 29th, 2010, 5:29 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: Of Shadows And Angels - Query about a query
Replies: 10
Views: 1896

Re: Of Shadows And Angels - Query about a query

Hey Hillsy! Here's my thoughts. Hope they help. :) I wasn't a fan of the first, so I'm critiquing the second. Hey, Query 2: Backstory Heavy - 243 words Some called Phantoms parasites, others survivors - what can’t be denied is that they changed the world forever. (Interesting! Sounds like an alien t...
by Yoshima
January 29th, 2010, 5:10 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: Query - The Butterfly Key
Replies: 13
Views: 2072

Re: Query - The Butterfly Key

Hey Tycoon! More feedback, comin' right up! Dear Agent, Devastated by the recent miscarriage of her baby and inundated by a constant, never-ending crush of emotions (we can assume that having a miscarriage is traumatizing) , Nicole Kuefler is embroiled in an agonizing conflict against God and His so...
by Yoshima
January 29th, 2010, 5:01 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: Dreamtraveler Query: Covenant (YA Fantasy)
Replies: 17
Views: 3429

Re: Dreamtraveler Query: Covenant (YA Fantasy)

Here's an early paragraph from one of my very first queries. This actually got me a request for a full ms, but I also had met the agent in person, which I believe gave me a huge advantage. See what you think: (BTW--I no longer use rhetorical questions, but I let it be since this was how I originall...
by Yoshima
January 29th, 2010, 4:51 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: The Ghost Posts a Query - 4th try
Replies: 26
Views: 4213

Re: The Ghost Posts a Query - Yikes and Away!

Hey Ghost! Thanks for critiquing my query. I think I might have to steal the phrase "miracle-sundae." My MC would say that in a heartbeat! :) I will be happy to destroy your query! *taps fingers together evilly* I purposefully didn't read the other comments so that I can tell you my exact thoughts ...
by Yoshima
January 27th, 2010, 10:04 am
Forum: Queries
Topic: Query: Defender of the Crown v4
Replies: 11
Views: 1756

Re: Query: Defender of the Crown v4

Alright, how's this? (gettin' better! :) ) Some of the changes are small and subtle, but I think they make a big difference...what do you think? Dear [Agent], After accidentally creating a lightning storm that killed a boy from his school, thirteen year old (hyphenate age?) Nicholas Benson enrolls ...
by Yoshima
January 27th, 2010, 9:49 am
Forum: Queries
Topic: Dreamtraveler Query: Covenant (YA Fantasy)
Replies: 17
Views: 3429

Re: Dreamtraveler Query: Covenant (YA Fantasy)

Okay. Here is one that I actually have already sent out to a contest. More than one book is mentioned in this one as well because I sent in both manuscripts and I wanted to make sure the letter for each mentioned the pair of manuscripts. It's a little long, but I felt the need to describe the serie...
by Yoshima
January 26th, 2010, 10:15 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: Dreamtraveler Query: Covenant (YA Fantasy)
Replies: 17
Views: 3429

Re: Dreamtraveler Query: Covenant (YA Fantasy)

This is sort of like walking out to the mailbox in 10 degree weather: I hate that my nostrils freeze on the way there, but I want the mail so bad I sprint for it even without a coat or shoes. Here's a rough draft query...that's my disclaimer, anyway. I really love red pen, so whoever does that cool...
by Yoshima
January 26th, 2010, 6:30 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: Kill My Query Mk-IV
Replies: 19
Views: 3511

Re: Kill my Query

Hello, Kirril! I'll be happy to bring death and destruction to your query (with only the best of intentions :) ). I've taken a break from this query for a while. It's been through the wringer already, but I want to give it another thrashing before loosing it into the wild. Thanks! After an intruder ...
by Yoshima
January 26th, 2010, 5:06 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: Final query: Waiting for April
Replies: 29
Views: 4457

Re: Revised query: Waiting for April

Dear [Agent], Twenty-one-year-old college student, April Fletcher, is unaware that she is living her fifteenth life. She doesn’t know that she has never before survived to see her twenty second (hyphenate numbers) birthday. She is oblivious to the fact that Scott Parker, her best friend of five yea...