Search found 93 matches

by Yoshima
February 10th, 2010, 6:52 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: Query -- Platinum Donkeys
Replies: 21
Views: 3244

Re: Query -- Platinum Donkeys

Hi Remus! I saw your title, giggled, and just had to drop by. :) Okay, fair enough. (And yes, aspiring_x, I am using Nathan's checklist for what to include in a query.) Let's try this iteration then: They are mad geniuses; ugly but adaptable, stubborn but strong. They are a secret cabal called the P...
by Yoshima
February 10th, 2010, 11:01 am
Forum: Queries
Topic: Query: Folklore
Replies: 29
Views: 4184

Re: Query: Folklore

Hey Vic! Here's my bash--er, thoughts, haha. Kidding, just a friendly critique comin' your way. :) Dear Wonderful Agent, Haley Martin doesn’t like conflict. She keeps her head down, stays out of trouble. She doesn’t know that trouble has been seeking her for generations, and now it has found her. (T...
by Yoshima
February 9th, 2010, 12:05 am
Forum: Queries
Topic: Query: The Valley and the Shadow - new version page 3
Replies: 26
Views: 4347

Re: Query: The Valley and the Shadow

Hi Shadow! More feedback for you from fresh eyes. I haven't read your previous versions or the comments so I'm sorry if any of this is conflicting/repetitive. Hope it's helpful and doesn't make you more frustrated with query-writing. *** During the years of the French Revolutionary Wars, Lucinda’s ...
by Yoshima
February 8th, 2010, 11:28 am
Forum: Queries
Topic: QUERY: What love may do
Replies: 9
Views: 1725

Re: QUERY: What love may do

Hey cokey! Thanks for commenting on my query. I come to return the favor. And since this is a horror query, I won't hold back on the red ink, haha. Okay. Lame joke. Anyways... Dear [Agent Name], A small town in mid seventies Wisconsin finds itself the latest victim in an immortal creatures (should ...
by Yoshima
February 5th, 2010, 6:32 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: Query - The Butterfly Key- revision now on page 6
Replies: 56
Views: 6785

Re: Query - The Butterfly Key- Final revision(I pray) ON PAGE 3

Hey Tycoon! Just a few quick thoughts! Dear Agent, Shortly after Christian Bryson promises to fulfill his wife’s dream of starting a family, he learns his Army Reserve unit is deploying for war (Much better!) . Later, when he sustains a wound in battle that renders him incapable of fathering childr...
by Yoshima
February 5th, 2010, 12:33 am
Forum: Queries
Topic: Query - The Butterfly Key- revision now on page 6
Replies: 56
Views: 6785

Re: Query -- The Butterfly Key -- Complete revision ON PAGE 2

Just wanted to agree with Ghost and Seadhlinn's critiques. As for your question about "is deployed," I think either way is fine. But keep playing with it. Try to get that "is" out of there. Maybe "gets deployed." Do whatever you would have done in the novel, since your query should reflect your indi...
by Yoshima
February 4th, 2010, 11:54 pm
Forum: Excerpts
Topic: 'The Job' - Short story for critique
Replies: 2
Views: 1417

Re: 'The Job' - Short story for critique

Wrote this a while ago, and just got around to revising it. It is a scene that didn't fit in the timeline of the novel, featuring the main character and the encounter that triggers his arc in the novel (well, the arc i'm revising in anyway). It is going to be posted to my blog (which is basically ju...
by Yoshima
February 4th, 2010, 10:49 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: Query Time Tourism again, just when you thought it was over
Replies: 57
Views: 7672

Re: Query Time Tourism Edited for the last time, I think

Dear Great and Noble Agent of Oz, Hurled into the future twenty years, young Jakorus is confronted with a horrifying truth: his world has changed, and it’s his fault. (Now that's what I'm talkin' about!! ;) ) The island of Cybraxas teeters at the brink of civil war. Mythical creatures have secretly...
by Yoshima
February 4th, 2010, 6:34 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: "View From The Edge of the World" Query
Replies: 19
Views: 3065

Re: "View From The Edge of the World" Query

Hey Seadhlinn! More feedback. :) Help has been very, very much appreciated! Here is yet another attempt. *** Dear Awesome Agent, When Rose MacRae’s family tries to derail her teaching career by marrying her off to a boorish family friend, she storms out of Miller’s Bay, Nova Scotia to start over in ...
by Yoshima
February 4th, 2010, 6:17 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: Query Letter Critique - Revised 2x
Replies: 11
Views: 2116

Re: Query Letter Critique - Revised 2x

Hey there, mirror-egami! I haven't read your previous version so I'm coming in with fresh newbie eyes. The latest attempt, also in the opening post under REVISION. Unable to reproduce, mankind is driven to near extinction over the course of a generation (...how exactly aren't people able to reproduc...
by Yoshima
February 3rd, 2010, 12:15 am
Forum: Queries
Topic: Kill My Query Mk-IV
Replies: 19
Views: 3447

Re: Kill My Query Mk-III

Alrighty, here's the latest version. Thanks so much to everyone who's commented. I more or less kept the initial blurb intact with a few minor tweaks. The 2nd paragraph I borrowed heavily from Ghost ITM, aka GIT'M and Yoshima. I'm still rather displeased with my third 'graf, i.e. the one in which th...
by Yoshima
February 3rd, 2010, 12:05 am
Forum: Queries
Topic: The Ghost Posts a Query - 4th try
Replies: 26
Views: 4148

Re: The Ghost Posts a Query - 2nd try

Hey Ghost! Me first. *cracks knuckles* Okay, here attempt No. 2. I hope it is less confusing. Dear Agent X, When twenty-year-old Jodie Belay kidnaps a young girl, she believes she is saving the child’s life. So does the FBI agent watching Jodie. Jodie possesses an odd form of ESP. An eerie hum fills...
by Yoshima
February 2nd, 2010, 11:38 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: Query--Sendek--3rd revision page 2
Replies: 25
Views: 8580

Re: Query--Sendek

Thank you everyone for all of your comments. I have struggled to revise this, but here is my attempt--just no time or peace and quiet. Is this heading in the right direction? REVISION 3 Dear Mr. _________, Although the planet Sendek has chosen to embrace the path of science and technology, the magi...
by Yoshima
February 2nd, 2010, 11:25 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: Query--Legacy of the Empress (fantasy)
Replies: 15
Views: 3147

Re: Query--Legacy of the Empress (fantasy)

Hey Rebecca! More feedback to help with your revisions. :) Okay, tweaking has been done. Does this make it less confusing? Or did I just make it worse? :P Thanks again for all your help! __________________________________ Dear (Agent), Astrid’s been a prisoner in her own castle since she was a child...
by Yoshima
February 2nd, 2010, 9:01 am
Forum: Queries
Topic: Query Time Tourism again, just when you thought it was over
Replies: 57
Views: 7672

Re: Query Time Tourism Revised Third Time

This is attempt three. Please, don't be gentle. (no problem-o!) I am loving the feedback. Dear Great and Noble Agent of Oz, Azomyn Jakorus is a young being from an immortal race that lives secretly among humans. One day he is magically catapulted through time twenty years. His older self is there w...