Search found 131 matches

by Joel Q
August 25th, 2010, 4:04 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: Query:Forever Young-YA Urban Fantasy (version 2)
Replies: 8
Views: 1283

Re: Query:Forever Young-YA Urban Fantasy

I like what you got going on here. But I think you could tighten this up. I also think you need to answer two question, why just 2 weeks to live and why his parents lied about adoption. Dear Agent, Thirteen-year-old Aaren Danielson had a seemingly normal life until a class assignment turned his life...
by Joel Q
August 20th, 2010, 3:11 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: Second try at a Query Letter for Devin Briar
Replies: 8
Views: 1318

Re: Second try at a Query Letter for Devin Briar

I'm not sure what the plot is.
And there is no plot question given in the query.

What's the struggle, the obstacle he must overcome and what is the decision he must make to overcome it.

JQ
by Joel Q
August 20th, 2010, 3:06 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: Updated Query: The Between people Take 2... or maybe 3
Replies: 14
Views: 1974

Re: Query: The Between people Take 2... or maybe 3

Skyla’s mother had always said it was a family curse, reading people’s shadows. Everybody has one, the silhouette we see when our bodies subtract the light from a wall or a sidewalk. It can multiply when walking between streetlamps or when more than one candle is lit in a room. To Skyla, there is a...
by Joel Q
August 20th, 2010, 2:51 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: Query attempt for DIE AGAIN.
Replies: 19
Views: 2470

Re: Query attempt for DIE AGAIN.

How about something along these lines... (I'm sorry I'm kind of rewriting you stuff, that really bugs me when people do it to me, but I don't how else to help with this one..) Detectice Ethan Moon investigates the murder of assist DA. He followed leads to an upscale treatment facility and finds a vi...
by Joel Q
August 20th, 2010, 2:38 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: Final (I Hope) Query Letter - The Oracle's Revenge
Replies: 9
Views: 1718

Re: Final (I Hope) Query Letter - The Oracle's Revenge

Disillusioned Air Force Major Jarv Guerra’s career is at an end. Passed over for promotion, he is put out to pasture in a dead-end NATO staff job where he hopes to coast through the rest of his career and retire in Italy with the girl he loves. But when he starts to have premonitions of impending d...
by Joel Q
August 20th, 2010, 2:25 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: Query- Riding on the Tail of the Devil
Replies: 29
Views: 4241

Re: Query- Riding on the Tail of the Devil

I think you have too much info, cut it back a bit. Here are a few suggestions to cut, rework the paragraphs and see what it looks like. Good luck. JQ Mathias is a street kid. He never believed in reincarnation, never thought he would live anywhere else but the streets and die before he was eighteen....
by Joel Q
August 20th, 2010, 2:10 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: Query attempt for DIE AGAIN.
Replies: 19
Views: 2470

Re: Query attempt for DIE AGAIN.

Its's simple, an Assistant D.A. is murdered and Detectice Ethan Moon investigates, hunts the killer. He followed leads, talks to witnesses, and goes where the case takes him. At an upscale treatment facility, Ethan finds a videotape that shows his brother is alive, and the serial killer he's huntin...
by Joel Q
August 20th, 2010, 1:56 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: FAIRY BLOOD - Fresh out of the oven!
Replies: 7
Views: 1431

Re: FAIRY BLOOD - Fresh out of the oven!

Ricardo is a vampire, once a young Spanish sailor. But his life as a walking corpse will soon be over (why, I think we need to know) if he doesn’t get his hands on fairy blood, enough to kill a fairy. (I don't like this last clause. Awkward. I guess it is to tell us he's going to have to totaly dra...
by Joel Q
August 20th, 2010, 1:32 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: Query - Hidden in Shadows - Take 2
Replies: 4
Views: 986

Re: Query - Hidden in Shadows - Take 2

Assassin Lorna McCloud has an advantage over her victims – the power to create and hide in artificial shadows; however, the one target she longs for most remains elusive – her father's murderer. So is this a superpower or magic? Is this her only power? not that you need all the details, but a littl...
by Joel Q
August 20th, 2010, 1:16 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: Jade's Hurricane, Take 2: Will send to Agents
Replies: 15
Views: 2125

Re: Jade's Hurricane, Take 2

Some thoughts after reading the second version... 1. I think you have too many people in the query, non-tamers, Jade, her dad, her master, Lian and the Shadow Man. I am guessing you could leave out, Lian, and possibly the master. 2. The first half of the query I think Jade is going to stop a hurrica...
by Joel Q
August 1st, 2010, 8:53 am
Forum: Queries
Topic: Query -- The Color of Gothic, 2nd Try
Replies: 14
Views: 2191

Query -- The Color of Gothic, 2nd Try

NEW QUERY AT THE BOTTOM. - - - - I had this query up here back in December, now the manuscript is finished and ready to go. But the query still needed some work. How's this? - - - - - Dear “agent” Hell has come to Gothic. Jonathan Blair ran away from the pulpit and polite society. Arrested and conv...
by Joel Q
June 9th, 2010, 6:49 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: Bron To Die - Last Take
Replies: 9
Views: 1572

Re: Bron To Die - Last Take

I agree with GeeGee55's critique.
The only thing I'd add is I didn't like the "bite the hand that hit her" line.
Seemed a bit cliche to me.
I like the idea of the modern weapons vs magic.
I think you have an interesting story line going here.

JQ
by Joel Q
June 9th, 2010, 6:43 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: Query/fantasy - With All That I Am / 4th Version
Replies: 18
Views: 2803

Re: Query/fantasy - With All That I Am / 4th Version

Thanks for everyone's help. I'll need to think about the 5th version. The last three replies had some good comments about voice, word choices and tightening the sentences all those final touches. And no secret, the story is not finished, so no final word count yet. I'll probably wait to finish the m...
by Joel Q
June 2nd, 2010, 10:00 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: Query for Thriller - Fresh Meat, Notes to Commenters
Replies: 28
Views: 4447

Re: Query for Thriller - Boo, I'm ba-ack, again

I like the second query better. But my question is who is the main character Joel or Luke? Because based on the two queries, it could be either. So, I'd go with a query based on the main character. Joel seems like the better angle. Nice job. - - - Watch, but don’t interfere. Ever. This is FBI Agent ...
by Joel Q
June 2nd, 2010, 9:41 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: dirge of the desert - new attempt, new slant
Replies: 50
Views: 7632

Re: dirge of the desert - new attempt, new slant

I saw you posted the "one sentence" thing on R Gardner's blog contest. And I have to ask, do you rewrite you pages and chapters this much? :-) Broken lives, destroyed families, murders—geneticist Janelle Gray is responsible, and she doesn’t even know it. I like the idea of this first sentence, but I...