Search found 131 matches

by Joel Q
December 15th, 2010, 1:55 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: *Revised* QUERY: THE DRAKE WAR
Replies: 40
Views: 7301

Re: QUERY: THE DRAKE WAR

Much better. My only issue is this line. When she stumbles into a plot to awaken an ancient dragon, Lillim must find a way to stop an evil drake from awakening before... You use awaken twice. And is the drake the dragon? (Not sure what a drake is?) It seems the two phrases are redundant, or am I mis...
by Joel Q
December 14th, 2010, 6:23 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: THE ELITE (YA) -revised!
Replies: 29
Views: 4662

Re: THE ELITE (YA)

A love triangle is not supposed to have life or death consequences, but 16-year-old Avery Hunter is about to discover that the stakes are higher when you’re the missing heir to the most powerful family in the world. (I'd take it out.) Just as Avery discovers her real place in the Elite, to fulfill ...
by Joel Q
December 14th, 2010, 6:09 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: *Revised* QUERY: THE DRAKE WAR
Replies: 40
Views: 7301

Re: QUERY: THE DRAKE WAR

I read both of your queries. I think you went from to much info to not enough. You don't mention the baby again, so maybe not mention it all or you'll have to tell more. Dragons, werewolves, vampires, demons: you got it all. You just need to figure out what you can tell in a simple way, yet keep the...
by Joel Q
December 14th, 2010, 5:52 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: Deleted
Replies: 11
Views: 1604

Re: Crossing Thresholds

This reads more like a synopsis.
It's too long with too many details.
I can't tell if this is mostly backstory or the actual plot of the book.

I recommend taking a look at Nathan's posts on writing a query.
JQ
by Joel Q
December 14th, 2010, 5:46 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: THE SECOND DEATH OF JUAN LA ROCA: Revision # 2
Replies: 20
Views: 3684

Re: THE SECOND DEATH OF JUAN LA ROCA: lit fiction query

REVISION 1 "People's memories are short. And life is so damn long." (Some agents don't like quotes in queries.) Fifty years ago Ángel Valdés co-led the revolution that made him president of the Caribbean island of Zamora. Now he wants only to die in peace, leaving a stable country to his daughter -...
by Joel Q
December 14th, 2010, 5:38 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: 2nd revision to ELSA- women's fiction (pls look at end)
Replies: 7
Views: 1242

Re: 2nd revision to ELSA- women's fiction (pls look at end)

This reads more like a log line and a synopsis.
I recommend taking a look at Nathan's posts on writing a query.
JQ
by Joel Q
December 14th, 2010, 5:33 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: The Mask of Neoesis (newest query on post one.) ???
Replies: 15
Views: 2263

Re: Query; The Mask of Noesis, young adult fantasy

I think the story is working, but this needs to be cleaned up. I'm not going to mark a lot now, just these two points. There are a lot of cliches in here. I think an agent will read this and think the manuscript will be full of cliches. Time to get creative and rewrite. And several echo words in the...
by Joel Q
October 22nd, 2010, 1:48 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: ANTEDILUVIAN query
Replies: 41
Views: 6433

Re: ANTEDILUVIAN query

There are some good critiques in here so I won't add, unless you do another revision. But I do have one question. What's at stake for the Nephilim? Did I miss it? "Meanwhile, his Nephilim comrades must decide, once and for all, whether they will fight on the side of the humans...or the angels." This...
by Joel Q
October 22nd, 2010, 1:39 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: First Query Description -- WESTERN WASTE
Replies: 30
Views: 4467

Re: First Query Description -- WESTERN WASTE

I'd like to see second version before do a line-by-line review. As far as this query goes, I didn't get the humor. If you say it's a humorous story, that really needs to come out in the query. Because if the agent doesn't at least smile or giggle he/she probably won't bite. I think there's too much ...
by Joel Q
October 22nd, 2010, 1:32 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: QUERY -- THE FERRYMAN -- Revision No. 1
Replies: 12
Views: 2562

Re: QUERY -- THE FERRYMAN

Mark17, The good. You have a voice that comes out in the query. The idea and main character are awesome. The bad. Like the others, I don't see the conflict. Is it more of an internal conflict for the ferryman or is there something external going on? Is there a bad guy? A dark moment? A major plot qu...
by Joel Q
September 30th, 2010, 1:49 pm
Forum: Procrastination
Topic: What's your favorite song that tells a story?
Replies: 58
Views: 15295

Re: What's your favorite song that tells a story?

There are so many...

I think Jimmy Buffet and Robert Earl Keen, Jr do it best, or maybe they just have more than other singer/song writers.

JQ
by Joel Q
September 17th, 2010, 6:49 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: Jade's Hurricane: 6th try
Replies: 9
Views: 1315

Re: Jade's Hurricane: 6th try

Just a few things, and it is better than the other tries. Nice work. JQ I’ve come across your name since you represent “XXX” by YYYY. I researched your profile on WWWW and I believe this book might be of your interest. Jade should (Should is passive, how about "wants to", "needs to" ???) control he...
by Joel Q
September 17th, 2010, 6:21 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: QUERY- YA Mystery- Mad as a Hatter
Replies: 30
Views: 4158

Re: QUERY- YA Mystery- Mad as a Hatter

I really like this. I think your first paragraph is your weakest. Not sure how to do a date line here. I think what you have here works. But the second sentence... London, 1882. Kidnapped as a child, Emil Aleric and his mother survived. (the first query doesn't say anything about the entire family ...
by Joel Q
August 26th, 2010, 3:34 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: Query -- The Color of Gothic, 2nd Try
Replies: 14
Views: 2191

Re: Query -- The Color of Gothic

Here's the 2nd try. - - - - Email Subject Line: Query, historical dark fantasy Dear Agent XXXXX Jonathan Blair fell from the pulpit to a life of crime. Arrested and convicted for murder, Blair trades his death sentence for a job as a bounty hunter to bring in—dead or alive—the members of his former...
by Joel Q
August 26th, 2010, 3:25 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: Query- Riding on the Tail of the Devil
Replies: 29
Views: 4241

Re: Query- Riding on the Tail of the Devil

- Here are some thoughts... “You know you’ve been on the streets too long when the sound of an old man urinating in an alley sounds like falling rain,” Mathias thought . . . ( I don't think agents like qoutes from the story... though this is a great image.) Mathias never thought that he would live a...