Nathan Bransford - The Forums

Okay, so basically my critiquers have told me that I should infuse the tone of my manuscript into my query. This has been difficult for me since the MS is written in first person. I gave it a try here so feel free to hate it. ** Dear Ms. Agent: When a bunch of gun toting maniacs barge into sixteen y...

When college students Travis Maguire, Lexie Collins, and her brother Burke this feels awkward to me. I feel like you could word their names a bit better find the wreck of a black triangular aircraft do we need to know the color of the ship and its shape? Is not the wreck of an aircraft significant ...

Dear Agent, Life as a modern-day dragon slayer really is as cool as it sounds. At least that’s what Chris Drake believes when he turns sixteen and finishes his training. The first two sentences don't seem to flow together for me. They also seem kinda contradictory. I also don't see how they lead in...

Thanks Quill. What if I did something like this? Though I'm worried it may not have enough energy. ** Dear Ms. Agent: While sixteen year old Lillim Callina has made a few blunders in her lifetime, none are quite as bad as being tricked by a vampire coven into awakening an ancient dragon. Unfortunate...

Maggie helped me revise my Query. This is what we came up with. Please let me know what you think as I feel this might be very different from the previous incarnations. Thanks ** Dear Ms. Agent: Reborn and on the run from the supernatural mercenaries she served in a former life, sixteen year old Lil...

I like the first one better. I didn't feel like she was comparing to Harry Potter, merely saying it will be a similar world, which seems okay to me.

Newly revised ** Dear Ms. Agent: Lillim Callina should be dead. She still would be if her ruthless former mentor, Warthor, hadn’t sacrificed all of her friends to bring her back to life. Since then she’s been running from her past as a supernatural mercenary. When an ancient dragon awakens, Lillim m...

If I just wrote something like this would it be sufficient? "When an ancient dragon awakens, Lillim must find a way to stop the evil drake before Warthor destroys the creature, along with most of the planet." Also, is it unclear why Warthor and Lillim are both opposing each other even though they ha...

Yeah, I didn't see that. A drake is a dragon.

It'd probably make more sense if I wrote:

"When she stumbles into a plot to awaken an ancient dragon, Lillim must find a way to stop the evil drake before Warthor destroys the creature, along with most of the planet."

Dear Agent, Chris Drake is a dragon slayer with a driver’s license I'm assuming this means he is 16ish. But anyone 16-100+ would have a license probably. . Shortly after slaying his first dragon, though , his license becomes useless because he starts growing wings. At the same time , his flesh turn...

Okay, This time I essentially rewrote it from scratch, so let me know how this seems... Thanks for all the great comments ** Dear Ms. Agent: Lillim Callina should be dead. She still would be if her ruthless former mentor, Warthor, hadn’t sacrificed all of her friends to bring her back to life. Since...

The thing is, I never really got that kitty was that important in the synopsis at all. Admittadly, it may be because the synopsis doesn't feel as clear and polished which may be part of the reason it feels different. The voice feels very different.

Here is my synopsis. As always, any comments are wonderful! ** Synopsis Reborn and on the run from the supernatural mercenaries she served in a former life, Lillim Callina stumbles into a vampire plot to revive an ancient war between dragons. Now she must find a way to stop the ancient drake from aw...

It’s the year 1976, and 16-year-old Mary O’Connor can’t wait to grow up and be on her own. Mary I feel this might be better at Mary's parents are conservative... views her parents as conservative, overprotective, 1950’s minded people whom she must carefully keep on a need-to-know basis. Her parents...

I decided to check out your query AFTER reading the synopsis. My first read says it is much better than your synopsis. Dear [Agent] Micah is nearly out of high school, ready to make his way in the world. Unfortunately for him, it will be a much different world than the one he expects. I like the beg...