Search found 109 matches

by glj
November 28th, 2010, 12:26 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: THE SECOND DEATH OF JUAN LA ROCA: Revision # 2
Replies: 20
Views: 4620

Re: THE SECOND DEATH OF JUAN LA ROCA: lit fiction query

This is succinct and gives a good picture of where it is going. It's fifty years since Ángel Valdés led the revolution that made him leader of Caribbean Zamora. Might give a hint that "Caribbean Zamora" is a country, such as "the isle of Caribbean Zamora". You don't want the reader to stop and re-re...
by glj
November 28th, 2010, 12:16 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: Historical sci-fi
Replies: 20
Views: 3428

Re: Historical sci-fi

My immediate impressions are: 1) this is too complex and lengthy, and 2) you are trying too hard to impress. I would suggest a paring down of both the story summary and the extra verbage. Most agents seem to like a query letter where the body is 250-350 words. Don't explain why you wrote the book. D...
by glj
November 16th, 2010, 4:06 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: DISREGARD THIS POST PLEASE. Women's fiction query - ELSA
Replies: 11
Views: 2415

Re: Help! Women's fiction query - ELSA

I can't say I liked either version much. Both include too much setup. So she has a meddling, elderly mother. And her daughter goes on a long trip. So she eats chocolates. The problem is that these are all normal life and a normal woman dealing with them in a normal way. I don't think a reader of the...
by glj
October 28th, 2010, 5:15 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: Query - Possessed
Replies: 23
Views: 3857

Re: Query - Possessed

Sarah, this is much better. Paragraph 1 makes much more sense now. In light of a previous comment, you might consider how you could differentiate your title more. If the crux of the problem is scientific experiments on peoples' memories, I don't see where possession comes in? Gabriel is a murderer. ...
by glj
October 28th, 2010, 12:03 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: Query - Possessed
Replies: 23
Views: 3857

Re: Query - Possessed

My overall impression is confusion. You don't reveal enough of the plot for me to really make sense of it. Yeah, bad scientists and illegal experiments on young men (mental patients? prisoners?), but I do not get any sense of WHY these things are happening and what MAY happen. The query should optim...
by glj
October 22nd, 2010, 8:46 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: ANTEDILUVIAN query
Replies: 41
Views: 7697

Re: ANTEDILUVIAN query

More than a thousand years have passed since the fall of man and the exit maybe "exile" would be better, mankind didn't choose to leave from Eden. The earth has been cursed, humans scrape meager livings from the soil, and legendary beasts roam the wilderness. The Grigori, angels charged with watchin...
by glj
October 18th, 2010, 1:11 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: QUERY: The Pterrible Pteranodon
Replies: 7
Views: 1582

Re: QUERY: The Pterrible Pteranodon

This is a fun query. I like it. Short and succinct. I agree with the previous comment about pterodactyl versus pteranodon, you need to be consistent (agent may wonder if you use both indiscriminately in the ms). A steam-driven mechanical pterodactyl is out of control over Victorian-era London and th...
by glj
October 15th, 2010, 5:52 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: Forgotten Gods Query-- trying again
Replies: 17
Views: 3325

Re: Forgotten Gods Query-- trying again

I like this. It is concise and gets to the point without excess wording. How does the title tie in? Are the sidhe the forgotten gods? Opposing their efforts to create harmony between sìdhe and humans is Alfred Grayson, a government official whose job is to “civilize” Scotland by selling discontented...
by glj
October 14th, 2010, 9:47 am
Forum: Queries
Topic: Wizard Seeking Trophy Bride
Replies: 9
Views: 1865

Re: Wizard Seeking Trophy Bride

Thanks for the feedback, eveyone. My main concern has been the last paragraph. My critique group was divided, with some liking it and some hating it. And I have often seen comments for the queries of others that one should never compare to a movie or TV show, only to another book. So I have wrestled...
by glj
October 13th, 2010, 12:22 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: Mouths - YA Fantasy: All rejections, no requests = new query
Replies: 13
Views: 3086

Re: Mouths - YA Fantasy: All rejections, no requests = new query

I like this, it is succinct and to the point and gives a good taste of the story. Small suggestions below. PERSONALIZATION. MOUTHS is a young adult fantasy, complete at 85,000 words. Have you researched YA lengths? This seems a tad long In order to escape a dangerous parallel world, three disparate ...
by glj
October 13th, 2010, 11:02 am
Forum: Queries
Topic: Query SEVENTY-TWO HOURS
Replies: 7
Views: 1683

Re: Query SEVENTY-TWO HOURS

I agree that the cliches drag this down. Instead, like Katbrauer, I want to FEEL their friendship and sense the urgency. As is, this hints that bad things will happen, but we get no sense of the how or why. I would suggest that the query should: 1) show their friendship, 2) show them splitting up (m...
by glj
October 13th, 2010, 10:39 am
Forum: Queries
Topic: Wizard Seeking Trophy Bride
Replies: 9
Views: 1865

Wizard Seeking Trophy Bride

Dear _, Please consider representing my fantasy manuscript, WIZARD SEEKING TROPHY BRIDE, complete at 106,000 words, a humorous tale in the vein of Robert Asprin’s “Myth” series. Medieval slacker Sonny the Scoundrel wants nothing more out of life than to continue living off Grandpap the wizard, avoid...
by glj
October 11th, 2010, 5:14 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: Query -IRON HEART-
Replies: 24
Views: 4401

Re: Query -IRON HEART-

I like this. Great idea. And your iterations show improvement. A few small suggestions below. Terik is a toad living in the kingdom of Garn where magic and machines exist side by side. But Terik’s life is turned upside down when he is cursed by Ruthilda, a crazy witch with a dangerous invention. Now...
by glj
October 6th, 2010, 4:19 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: Speculative Sci/Fan Query - FREE TO FORGIVE
Replies: 12
Views: 2645

Re: Speculative Sci/Fan Query - FREE TO FORGIVE

My main problem with this query is that it doesn't "build" toward a conflict. It starts out that way, with her parents arrested and the ALOs siezed, and she must fight to free them, but then devolves into she joins an organization and they free the ALOs but the main point seems to be Yora's actions ...
by glj
October 4th, 2010, 2:18 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: Query 'Kat's Tale'
Replies: 7
Views: 1449

Re: Query 'Kat's Tale'

I agree with the advice to give us more details of how Kat learns her true nature. This is a summarization that does not give: a) points of conflict, b) who she is fighting against, or c) what the stakes are. It could be much more compelling if you show us, in a couple of lines, how she learns her t...