Search found 109 matches

by glj
January 20th, 2011, 10:56 am
Forum: Queries
Topic: Query: Jade's Hurricane back from rejection
Replies: 12
Views: 2691

Re: Query: Jade's Hurricane back from rejection

This is better. Comments below. Jade’s father used to help ed her control her wind-taming powers, but when he’s murdered right in front of her , by humans who can’t master the elements, Jade looses loses her grip and creates a monstrous hurricane. Does this create a tragedy that she later feels guil...
by glj
January 16th, 2011, 5:10 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: Query: Jade's Hurricane back from rejection
Replies: 12
Views: 2691

Re: Query: Jade's Hurricane back from rejection

I have not reviewed this before, and did not read the 2 comments above, so this is my first impression of your query. Jade should control her wind taming powers, but it’s often the other way around. This might have more punch if you show this. It didn't make me curious and didn't give me much of an ...
by glj
January 11th, 2011, 10:07 am
Forum: Queries
Topic: Paranormal Romance Query
Replies: 11
Views: 1676

Re: Paranormal Romance Query

There's a lot that goes into her confrontation with her dad (including stuff with her sister), but if it makes her unlikable in the query without that info, I'll have to figure out how to change things up. Thanks again for your suggestions - they're very helpful!!! You are welcome. This may be the ...
by glj
January 10th, 2011, 3:31 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: Paranormal Romance Query
Replies: 11
Views: 1676

Re: Paranormal Romance Query

I understood the implications of the Valium, but the Valium and stilettos together left me wondering what she was going to do (I assume the stilettos are a pair of shoes, and not the thin knife commonly used for assassinations?). Does she just like to wear stilettos? It gives the character added dep...
by glj
January 8th, 2011, 12:34 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: Paranormal Romance Query
Replies: 11
Views: 1676

Re: Paranormal Romance Query

Holly has done an excellent job of re-shaping your query, so I will comment on her version. Alex Baroste's ideal boyfriend would never ask about her nightmares . Or say “I love you.” Not that relationships concern Alex, because she fears that her ability to see other people's memories foreshadows a ...
by glj
January 5th, 2011, 12:18 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: THE ELITE (YA) -revised!
Replies: 29
Views: 5622

Re: THE ELITE (YA)

Overall, it has a good structure and good hints of conflict for the heroine. A love triangle is not supposed to have life or death consequences, but 16-year-old Avery Hunter is about to discover that the stakes are higher when you’re the missing heir to the most powerful family in the world. I agree...
by glj
December 30th, 2010, 10:32 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: Earth to Sirius
Replies: 6
Views: 1244

Re: Earth to Sirius

This has some promise of a fun story. But it could come out better in your query. As in the common writing critique, you are telling more than showing. And don't ask rhetorical questions. They give the reader the feeling that you as the writer either don't want to reveal what happens in your story, ...
by glj
December 30th, 2010, 10:15 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: REVISED Query: COZY'S CURSE (mystery)
Replies: 14
Views: 2973

Re: Query: COZY'S CURSE (mystery)

This does have charm and I found the voice compelling. But the challenge for the protagonist seems undeveloped. Clearly, Cozy must clear herself of suspicion, but this does not leave me wondering what will happen next. You need to create a sense of impending danger/conflict, but all this has is that...
by glj
December 30th, 2010, 4:44 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: QUERY: THE LAST DRAGON (Fantasy)
Replies: 9
Views: 2007

Re: QUERY: THE LAST DRAGON (Fantasy)

I agree that this sounds fun and has a good hook. Others suggested moving it up. It is possible, I suppose. But watch out for the problem I point out below in your first paragraph. Your letter says YA, but 97,000 words seems WAAAAAY too long to be young adult. I'm not sure what is considered to be t...
by glj
December 23rd, 2010, 10:40 am
Forum: Queries
Topic: THE SECOND DEATH OF JUAN LA ROCA: Revision # 2
Replies: 20
Views: 4620

Re: THE SECOND DEATH OF JUAN LA ROCA: Revision # 1

Hello. I like this, too. It is short and too the point. But I feel it could create more tension. One idea is to show (or at least hint at) the sacrifices that Angel made during the revolution, to explain why he is jealous of his reputation. And to make the reader sympathetic to Angel. This query sug...
by glj
December 9th, 2010, 1:11 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: Deleted
Replies: 11
Views: 2017

Re: Crossing Thresholds

First, some general comments. I don't get a sense of impending conflict. This is just a string of negative events. We need a climax. What is the big problem for Mary and Robert? Is it surviving together? If so, the query only gives set-up, showing events that lead up to their struggle to get along. ...
by glj
December 2nd, 2010, 1:16 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: 2nd revision to ELSA- women's fiction (pls look at end)
Replies: 7
Views: 1461

Re: Revision to The Arrival of Elsa - women's fiction

[quoteElsa Kartchner struggles to share a family secret that creates lifelong tension between her and her mother. It only gets worse when her mom, the only other person who holds the secret, passes away. The secret can’t stay hidden forever and Elsa must tell her daughter, the person she cherishes t...
by glj
December 2nd, 2010, 12:56 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: Historical sci-fi
Replies: 20
Views: 3428

Re: Historical sci-fi

One of the pieces of advice I've heard is to tell a friend or relative about your story, and recording it at the same time. Your verbal description should be 2-3 minutes. Then write down what you said. With luck, it will be the basic concept, including the main characters and the main plot. I agree ...
by glj
December 2nd, 2010, 12:40 am
Forum: Queries
Topic: Historical sci-fi
Replies: 20
Views: 3428

Re: Historical sci-fi

It is getting better, but still has too much fine detail in it. I understand that you want to tell all about your story, but resist the temptation to put in details like the stampede, for example, or how Ted is to be the engine that powers the inter-dimensional train (maybe just stop at power source...
by glj
November 29th, 2010, 10:03 am
Forum: Queries
Topic: Historical sci-fi
Replies: 20
Views: 3428

Re: Historical sci-fi

Hello, Watcher. Yes, this is much better! I get a much better sense of the plot in this version. Dear Specific Agent, After reading your interviews with _____ and ______ I knew I had to query you first. The Ninth Addict The title is typically done in all caps to stand out is a 75,000-word historical...