Search found 109 matches

by glj
February 21st, 2011, 3:15 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: Query: THE DIM MAN
Replies: 14
Views: 2824

Re: Query: THE DIM MAN

Ermo, I like what you have done, especially the last paragraph. The change gives me just enough information to really pique my curiosity. Well done. Tim Manning has no soul. Or at least that’s what the latest popular computer application says. Saddled already with a debilitating heart problem, Tim h...
by glj
February 18th, 2011, 12:35 am
Forum: Queries
Topic: Born to Bondage query II
Replies: 23
Views: 4053

Re: Born to Bondage query II

This spends too much time telling us, the reader, that Paul's life is a mess. Don't tell us this, show us. The fact that he lost everything doesn't make us sympathetic. After all, maybe he's a drunk and a gambler? Sympathy for the protagonist is more likely to be created if Paul didn't deserve it. P...
by glj
February 17th, 2011, 1:32 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: Query: Of Shadows and Angels
Replies: 14
Views: 2795

Re: Query: Of Shadows and Angels

Hillsy, I have not read this before, and didn't read the previous comments, so below are my first impressions. I hope they help. Don't get discouraged, writing the query letter should require as much effort and attention to detail as writing the manuscript itself, and more. Effort spent here is wort...
by glj
February 15th, 2011, 5:49 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: Query: THE DIM MAN
Replies: 14
Views: 2824

Re: Query: THE DIM MAN

This reads pretty well. It has flow and is generally cohesive. However, I feel that you could add a little more explanation and really pique my curiosity. This gets me about halfway there, thinking "hey, this is kinda cool, but then the conflict and antagonist are not really given, so will the autho...
by glj
February 15th, 2011, 12:47 am
Forum: Queries
Topic: Query - Gentlemen Only, Ladies Forbidden
Replies: 12
Views: 2403

Re: Query - Gentlemen Only, Ladies Forbidden

It seems disorganized. It looks like you might have a good story in here, but it seems to jump around. Try to make it consistent and flow. At times I think this is a legitimate story of women overcoming sexism and exclusion, and at times it reads like kids slinging insults on the playground. I reall...
by glj
February 13th, 2011, 1:01 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: Color of Gothic /Paranormal Western - updated version
Replies: 17
Views: 3396

Re: Color of Gothic /Paranormal Western

I know Query Shark says to put the personal info last, but I think it would be better right up front in your query. When I read it for the first time, I felt confused. When I got to the end, I realized why, because I had assumed a modern day time setting. With the 1880's info, the query made much mo...
by glj
February 6th, 2011, 5:37 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: Non-fiction Query: English Lessons
Replies: 8
Views: 1577

Re: Non-fiction Query: English Lessons

I agree with the previous comments, so won't repeat anything. The phrase "For one year, my attempts at experiencing British culture were described in newspaper print" threw me, too. Upon re-reading, I think what you mean is that because you were working as a journalist, you not only had experiences ...
by glj
February 2nd, 2011, 4:44 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: Query for THE LAST SYMPHONY OF JUAN GARCIA
Replies: 24
Views: 3637

Re: Query for THE LAST SYMPHONY OF JUAN GARCIA

I like your plot summary. It is compelling. My main concern would be whether you could play up the potential conflict more. Juan is talented but is overlooked because he has no training, no connections, and is a migrant laborer. Lainey is has the skills to recognize Juan's genius, but her prejudice ...
by glj
January 25th, 2011, 10:37 am
Forum: Queries
Topic: Query: The Guardian's Code
Replies: 14
Views: 2343

Re: Query: The Guardian's Code

I have only a few suggestions. Fifteen-year old Griffin Tutela doesn’t believe his grandma’s stories about the huge wilderness behind her house. He rolls his eyes when she says their family can communicate with ancient trees and spirits , and that they are guardians of the forest , hinting that the ...
by glj
January 25th, 2011, 10:21 am
Forum: Queries
Topic: NIGHTFRAME: IN THE RED OF THE KNIGHT Query II
Replies: 17
Views: 3186

Re: NIGHTFRAME: IN THE RED OF THE KNIGHT Query II

Mary-Catharine, thanks for looking at my query. I've been wrestling with it for days, so I know how tough they are to write. The biggest issues I see with your query: (1) Length: aim for one or at most two paragraphs, approximately 100 words or so total. I went to the drugstore this week and bought...
by glj
January 21st, 2011, 8:50 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: Query: The Guardian's Code
Replies: 14
Views: 2343

Re: Query: The Guardian's Code

Overall, this is concise and gives me a good sense of the plot. I would guess it is not your first draft. Comments below. Fifteen-year old Griffin Tutela doesn’t believe the stories his grandma tells him about the forest behind her house. He rolls his eyes when she says his Seems like "their family"...
by glj
January 21st, 2011, 5:52 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: NIGHTFRAME: IN THE RED OF THE KNIGHT Query II
Replies: 17
Views: 3186

Re: NIGHTFRAME: IN THE RED OF THE KNIGHT Query II

Glad to see a new version of this. Keep at it! Dear Agent, Teenage misfit Tabitha Colquitt is certain she's a werewolf. The phrase "is certain" implies that she has deduced this and doesn't actually know it. But this makes me wonder--why is she only "certain"? Maybe you don't have room to add this, ...
by glj
January 20th, 2011, 5:07 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: NIGHTFRAME: IN THE RED OF THE KNIGHT Query II
Replies: 17
Views: 3186

Re: NIGHTFRAME: IN THE RED OF THE KNIGHT Query II

She owns her own publishing company now. I forgot to add that part in.
The only thing better than a friend is a friend who owns a publishing company. :) Tell me that she is a brewery heiress and I will break down and cry.
by glj
January 20th, 2011, 3:23 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: NIGHTFRAME: IN THE RED OF THE KNIGHT Query II
Replies: 17
Views: 3186

Re: NIGHTFRAME: IN THE RED OF THE KNIGHT Query II

Mary Catharine, I apologize in advance for my previous post. I hope it did not come across as offensive or nasty, and merely as the result of a sick mind sitting in front of a computer and avoiding doing my actual work. I hope that you find some useful bits in my post. An additional bit of advice is...
by glj
January 20th, 2011, 2:18 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: NIGHTFRAME: IN THE RED OF THE KNIGHT Query II
Replies: 17
Views: 3186

Re: NIGHTFRAME: IN THE RED OF THE KNIGHT Query II

The formatting is non-standard. Intentional or haven't done it yet? Teenage misfit Tabitha Colquitt is certain she’s a werewolf. Nice. Short, punchy, and to the point. She is also certain she’s in love with , the human , Brody Eischen, and she’d do anything to protect him. Keep in same paragraph as ...