Search found 109 matches

by glj
March 13th, 2011, 1:32 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: New Direction for query for SAW IT COMING
Replies: 13
Views: 1915

Re: New Direction for query for SAW IT COMING

One final nit-pick. Sam's ability is coveted by drug dealers and human traffickers who want an edge over law enforcement. His family’s always being hunted, changing locations and identities every few months. You have "family's" as a contraction of "His family is", but it comes across as a possessive...
by glj
March 11th, 2011, 9:25 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: *Revised* QUERY: THE DRAKE WAR
Replies: 40
Views: 7198

Re: *Revised 3rd time* QUERY: THE DRAKE WAR

Ah, this really tickles my fancy! The character of Lillim comes through like a police spotlight in a dark alley. Too over the top? No, not at all. Hell no! This has character and sass and so much attitude. Dear Agent: When gun toting maniacs barge into sixteen year old Lillim Callina’s home and reve...
by glj
March 11th, 2011, 9:00 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: New Direction for query for SAW IT COMING
Replies: 13
Views: 1915

Re: New Direction for query for SAW IT COMING

Littlebird, I like this version much, much better. It gives a good picture of the plot and makes me identify with Sam. Good work and I'm glad you are not being impatient about polishing it up. Sam Oliveira doesn’t want to join the family business—not that he really has a choice. Seeing the future is...
by glj
March 11th, 2011, 11:46 am
Forum: Queries
Topic: Query: Divisions REVISED
Replies: 7
Views: 1053

Re: Query: Divisions REVISED

I think enewmeyer asked the right question. I agree, this reads like a good query setup. Now you need to show us what conflict these three will face and make us want to read it. enewmeyer, thanks for reading my query. i think divisions would be women's fiction. lang is a loner, and must learn to ope...
by glj
March 11th, 2011, 11:30 am
Forum: Queries
Topic: Query: REDEMPTION FOR LIARS - Edited
Replies: 11
Views: 1800

Re: Query: REDEMPTION FOR LIARS

One more thing. REDEMPTION FOR LIARS (75,000 words) is a completed work of romantic suspense. I have a B.A. in Liberal Studies and a M.A. degree in Holistic Education from California State University, San Bernardino. Recently, a personal narrative about my year as a victim of the Schwarzenegger Era ...
by glj
March 10th, 2011, 1:20 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: Query: AMÉRICA! (Hist. Fic.) - New Version Top of Page 2
Replies: 21
Views: 2253

Re: Query: AMÉRICA! (Hist. Fic.) - New Version Top of Page 2

I think the question works. At least, it does for me. Especially if you hint at an answer. I don't know why he would have resigned. And it does make me curious. Maybe you can provide more life here, showing Martin as being too flawed to be a hero, and recognizing it, or maybe a selflessness that is ...
by glj
March 10th, 2011, 1:12 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: Query: REDEMPTION FOR LIARS - Edited
Replies: 11
Views: 1800

Re: Query: REDEMPTION FOR LIARS

I definitely like version 1 better. Version 2 seems to pull in too many unimportant little details. The name of the town is not important for the query. That her coworkers try to hook them up is not important enough for the query. The one thing that seems to be missing from both is the lying aspect,...
by glj
March 10th, 2011, 12:07 am
Forum: Queries
Topic: Query: AMÉRICA! (Hist. Fic.) - New Version Top of Page 2
Replies: 21
Views: 2253

Re: Query: AMÉRICA! (Hist. Fic.) - New Version Top of Page 2

Dear [AGENT], Why did Jose de San Martin, who led a twelve-year campaign to liberate South America, resign and allow Simon Bolivar the glory of the final victory? I generally don't like rhetorical questions in a query, but this works for me. Maybe because the mystery is the main theme of the story. ...
by glj
March 3rd, 2011, 11:39 am
Forum: Queries
Topic: YA Urban Fantasy Query
Replies: 21
Views: 3382

Re: YA Urban Fantasy Query

Hi Allie. Not bad, but I didn't get what the ultimate conflict will be. It obviously has to do with Hugh not be able to answer the question, but could build far more suspense. Is it because Sophie has no future? Or is she more special than Hugh, and he can only see into the future of ordinary humans...
by glj
March 2nd, 2011, 9:33 pm
Forum: Connect With a Critique Partner
Topic: Looking for objective reading partner
Replies: 2
Views: 1214

Re: Looking for objective reading partner

Still looking for people to read? I would be interested in reading at least a chapter or two. Send me a message.
by glj
March 2nd, 2011, 6:54 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: *Revised* QUERY: THE DRAKE WAR
Replies: 40
Views: 7198

Re: *Revised 3rd time* QUERY: THE DRAKE WAR

I'm not a young adult, but I did like the tone of your query. Putting the tone of the MS into the query is rather difficult, so hats off to you for achieving it. Although I liked it in most respects, it does not show the reader what the ultimate conflict will be, and what the stakes are for Lillim. ...
by glj
March 2nd, 2011, 6:18 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: Query: SAW IT COMING (new ending paragraph)
Replies: 27
Views: 4359

Re: Query: SAW IT COMING (new ending paragraph)

This has promise. I like the way this is going, what it partially reveals, but I think it could be stronger. Seems to lack enough detail for me to grasp the looming conflict for Sam. The most I can make out of this is that: a) Sam has medical/mental problems, b) somehow Sam is being pressured into j...
by glj
February 27th, 2011, 6:15 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: ANTEDILUVIAN query
Replies: 41
Views: 6316

Re: ANTEDILUVIAN query

Final query, the result of very many good critiques and suggestions. Big question (and obviously impossible to truly answer until I send it off, but your opinions appreciated nonetheless): is it good enough to get an agent to look at the MS? I wish I knew. :) That is why queries are so hard to writ...
by glj
February 22nd, 2011, 12:54 am
Forum: Queries
Topic: Born to Bondage query II
Replies: 23
Views: 4049

Re: Born to Bondage query II

Hello Gao, I still feel that you are focusing too much on the beginning of your story. If the sorceress appears in chapter 4, then it doesn't seem like Paul's interaction with her is really the main conflict. The problem with a query template that says "discuss events up through chapter 4" is when y...
by glj
February 21st, 2011, 3:22 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: Color of Gothic /Paranormal Western - updated version
Replies: 17
Views: 3391

Re: Color of Gothic /Paranormal Western - LAST LINE HELP

I'm good with first two phrases, but here are some basic options for the last phrase, which I think could be stronger. But the thing that scares Blair the most, yet lures him in,... ... is the head demon knows more about the bounty hunter than just his name. ... they've met before. ... is the head ...